Sadness in retrospect

These are not memories I think about often. But when you are in the mood for retrospective, the odd bits flash across your mind. I tend to remember sadness in exaggerated colours. That’s my flaw. I remember the tones, the fall in the pit of my stomach, the tightening of my throat. The feelings.

I don’t like thinking about it all. But maybe I am drawn to it. The romaticization of it. It’s so much easier to write about sadness. The hollow in your heart, the doors you keep close all the time. It leaks though. Doesn’t it? The pain.

I am not a forgiving person. The bad bits just keep floating around my head. So, I can’t forgive or forget. I don’t do it on purpose. But maybe I like collecting them. A bit like a memory keeper aren’t I? Makes you think, what made this person tick this way…

I have been harsh to so many people, I don’t know why it surprises me when they are harsh to me too. My teacher once told me, the best way to not be disappointed is to not have any expectations. But it’s pretty hard. The not expecting bit. You don’t know what you start expecting from people until they disappoint you. And then you are to blame for setting them up the way you did in your mind.

To quote Taylor Swift, “people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out”. So what do I do to get over such people and such memories? No easy way out. Can’t flush them into the void. Got to wait for it to fade. And hope that your memory isn’t as long as you think. Hope that you make enough memories to replace the bad ones. Hope that they are powerful enough to push the bad ones out of your head.Me… 

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Hogwarts will always be my home.

How I found Harry Potter? Not through the books. It was in the year 2002, when I first saw the CD of a movie named Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone lying in my uncle’s collection. It looked interesting… with cute Daniel Radcliffe playing the Harry Potter. I wasn’t expecting to be entertained for the rest of my life when I push in the CD into the player that faithful afternoon. To say the least I was hooked. But you have no idea how I felt when I read the 4th book and then the 2nd book and then the 1st book! (Messed up I know!). I was travelling with my parents on a long train journey and I don’t think I even lifted my head up before I completed the chamber of secrets. I assume I made quite the impression on all my fellow passengers by laughing to myself and crying my eyes out at nothing. It was a ride! I will never forget the feeling… it was true love. I think I actually made myself believe for a while there that this book was based on true facts and happening. That there really was a school called Hogwarts where gifted students went to hone their magic skills. I think even tried to see if I had any by some chance. Though it already was a little late by them, I was 14. I could not wait for the fifth book. I actually read Goblet of fire so many times that the spine broke! And even though it was sad to come to realize slowly that it was really a story and there was no hidden school of magic, I have come to know that Hogwarts will always be a special place and I will always have a home there. Thank you for sharing your beautiful world with the rest of us Queen J.K. Rowling.
This beautiful ring is made by @thebookishpandora on Instagram and it has one of the most loved quote from the book – After all this time? Always… 

Sometimes you can’t move on.

I read it somewhere, “hate is heavy, so let it go”, and ever since the line has stayed at me. Some days I think of you. I look back on purpose. The memories are mostly good. I miss you. I know not how you feel but I can tell you are a bigger person than me, so you will most probably not even think before giving me your friendship back. I guess the only thing holding me back is me. I can’t forget the hurt. I know you didn’t mean to. Those were simple words. To you. I just am slightly more touché about things. I don’t hold any hate towards you anymore. But I know I am not capable of forgetting that feeling.

You really made me feel so bad that night. I never expected you to feel that way. Maybe because I had never felt that way. In-spite of the arguments and the fights, I still loved you. I never thought to call you my best friend because I knew you already had so many of those. I always knew I wasn’t as important in your life as you were in mine. You do not know of the tears that night. No one does. But I cried my share over the loss of you on the night before graduation. The hot salty tears leaving an invisible trail behind. I never want to feel that way again. I will never feel that way again.

I really miss you some days. But I have learned to fill that gap with lots of other things. Distractions. I have developed strange habits to lose focus. Books help. They always did. They are my one true escape. I still hope for a day when I don’t have to feel this way about you. I hope one day, I can forgive and forget about you. So you become just an acquaintance with no attachments.

Unexpected joys

I had a gift given to me by someone I once truly loved. It now stays with me as a reminder of the things I lost to pride. I carry it around with me everywhere, like an albatross around my neck. A proof of my guilt and sadness. I could easily have replaced it; I don’t know why I didn’t. I would have forever carried it around if not for the unexpected gift I received from an almost stranger. A surprise gift. Something I would have never got for myself inspite of having the resources to. I guess it is the masochistic side of my personality. Or maybe the frugal side. Who knows…  

The gift is beautiful. Handmade with love it says. Something I am always in need of. It asks me to believe. How apt. when I opened the parcel, not expecting it to fall to my lap, I felt my eyes sting. Another thing I cannot explain. Was it pain that made me carry it around for so long? Was it regret? But now I carry this new gift from an almost friend. And I smile every time I see “believe”. Maybe there is still time for redemption. Who knows…

Through the looking glass


“you can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” – Colin, An abundance of Katherine.

Another special day. Ahh these memories… the way we hold on to it, even when we don’t want to. What would I be without them… I find my past self so naive, so self absorbed, so abundantly ​unashamed in sharing my soul, so unworldly. Lol.

I remember moments of that past, bits and pieces of that love. Never the whole thing, like remembering a dish I had eaten at a small restaurant in my hometown. The taste of it so delicious. But only in my memories. Like moments of Sunshine in a cold winter morning, bringing in flashbacks of summer days. Only strong enough to warm the memories.

Your memories sneaking out through my eyes. I lose you a little each time. Bittersweet as it is… I wish I could relive it one more time. That youthfulness and carefree days, I wish I could have a go at it again just so I could truly appreciate the experience.

I would know how further in the future our decisions​ follow us. However much you try to forget, regret has a way of leaving you hollowed.

The memory of that phone call. What proof do I have that it ever took place at all.. only a few lines written on a post lost in the jungle of information that is internet.

When someone listens to you

I sometimes miss our conversation… That subtle flirting, the deep thought provoking ideas, the naïve notions of how the world worked, not being able to explain what you meant to me. There was a lot of mixed feelings at that point in time. I might have had a crush on your mind. Intellect has always been attractive to me.

Although I am not as enamored as I was once upon a time, I sometimes look back and see how you influenced me. I think I may have become better because of you. I wish every young adult gets a companion like you, however short that companionship might be. You opened me up to so many different views of the world. Because of you, my horizon expanded. Well, maybe not only you. I always was a bookworm. But you did make me ponder upon the idea of this world more, to speak out what was in my mind. Put words to the imagination in my head. After all these years, I still can’t put a finger on what our relationship was. I do know I am going to always try to be better because of what you taught me to be by being an example yourself. Now I know how much we need each other to listen to us. To question us. To make us explore the ignored. I am grateful for those conversations. You are where you need to be.
Thankyou for making me aware that no one can be classified into a stereotype created by the society. That everyone is an individual. Different from what you expect them to be at the first meet. Multifaceted individuals who will one day run the world. Thankyou for treating me like an adult when I was bent on acting like a child. For showing me that I had more potential than I had ever expected out of myself. Thankyou for listening, for pushing me into directions, I never would have gone otherwise. Thankyou for that.

Things that make me sad

​Not having the courage to heal a wound (mental of course!).

Not being able to let go of things (as in intangibles. So not things – feelings)

Memories I hold on to (inside my head – it’s like a 22ltrs bucket inside here)

I am not perfect. I have hurt a lot of people. And I have not been sorry for being cruel. I took pride in being heartless and detached and straight forward with my words. Maybe.. aahh fuck it. I know this is the reason I don’t have a lot of friends and why so many don’t like me. I still have difficulties accepting some of these facts. But I know I have problems I need to urgently work on. Losing my temper at the drop of a hat being one of them. Hurting close ones being another. Does skin problems also count? Skin is after all, the largest organ in human body (don’t correct me if I am wrong).

Anyway, I have read enough stories and articles to psycho-analyze, I am arrogant. I feel I am superior to others (I also feel inferior to others! Talk about paradox! Also happens to be my favourite word – paradox, irony, and oxymoron). I expect perfect grammar from people whose first language is not English (spelling… not so much). I pride myself on being secular. Not really. Deep down I know all of us are racist. I love putting people down. So these are my shortcomings. Oh yes. I almost forgot, lazy. And I almost almost! did not want to write gluttony. 

But I am still human (gluttony giving away the game here). Even if I fall under maybe the worst kinds, I do get hurt. As it happens to be, I think I might be hyper sensitive. Such a bad mental condition to have (not that having any mental condition is good). I wish there was a permanent solution to this problem. Like switching off the humanity switch in vampire diaries (YES! I did watch those series of never ending series!!!). I wish we had it in real life as well. Sometimes, I spout fountains of fugly emotions and I would very much like to turn that tap off. If only!! But I did read somewhere that it is coming to an end. Vampire Diaries of course, not me spouting nonsense.

So today this torrent/ tirade/ barrage of words are spilling from my fingers because it happens to be a special day. I wonder if I will ever ever grow up. I am so tired of this behavior of mine. Believe me. I almost want to kick myself in the head for behaving the way I do. But not quite. I have huge thighs so it’s not practically possible. Because, gluttony.

So what I am saying is, I maybe one messed up piece of shitty fish but I got a heart too (Humans can’t function without one it seems). And I do realize I have made mistakes and I don’t want to say sorry for them (go figure!). And words really are my true friends. That sentence was quite random, but I like it there. Make what you want of it. I have said my piece. Maybe now the stupid heart will rest in peace (or rather beat in peace). But only until it feels I have embarrassed myself enough to last a while. Did anyone catch that rhyming I got going there?

See you next time I embarrass myself in public. 

P.S – did I forget to mention the special occasion?

P.P.S – HARRY FREAKING POTTER FAN FOR LIFE!

P.P.P.S – is it really necessary? I could start a different article. But I did use a fuck in this one though. And I did use gluttony thrice in one article. It’s fast turning into my favourite word. Hmmm… 

P.P.P.P.S – this article was supposed to be about things that make me sad. What is this?

Me…