I burnt the bridges. I didn’t know how much it would hurt. I didn’t know I would never forget. I didn’t know I would never let go. I stand on the other side of the broken bridge. A part of me still stands there. But it hurt so much to hold on. It hurt a lot to stand there. I underestimated the repercussions of that decision. That I would have to follow through with it every day.

Every time I see you, it creates a pit in my stomach. I carry it around the whole day. I can’t distract myself anymore. I am glad that you are not as active on social media as others. I get to escape you every now and then because of it. I am glad I stay so far away from you; I never have to worry running into you again. But there is also that other side to it. Now I know I will never be able to go back to you. Now I know we will never make up. Maybe… it is a good thing.

I am not sorry I did it. But I am still hurt. You did say you didn’t want me around. To my face. How does it matter what words you used. Maybe… I was oversensitive but you said it. To my face. So I decided to make a clean break. I decided to end it first. I still have my pride. It wasn’t as clean of a break as I had imagined. You still linger around in the back of my head, ready to pounce on and dampen my day. You have no idea. You really have no idea.


We had been friends for more than 7 years…

Seven years curse. Seven years itch. Friendship longer than seven years. Seven years do not matter. I have stopped believing in permanence of anything. Most of all friendship.

I am grateful for the time we had. At least I got to experience all those years with you, when I believed we would have each other forever. It hurts my heart to look back now. Even to look at you. Wishing for future that does not exist. I sometimes cannot believe that there is no going back. All those years together… I never though, not in a million years that we would be strangers one day. But here we are. Strangers with a history.

Sadness in retrospect

These are not memories I think about often. But when you are in the mood for retrospective, the odd bits flash across your mind. I tend to remember sadness in exaggerated colours. That’s my flaw. I remember the tones, the fall in the pit of my stomach, the tightening of my throat. The feelings.

I don’t like thinking about it all. But maybe I am drawn to it. The romaticization of it. It’s so much easier to write about sadness. The hollow in your heart, the doors you keep close all the time. It leaks though. Doesn’t it? The pain.

I am not a forgiving person. The bad bits just keep floating around my head. So, I can’t forgive or forget. I don’t do it on purpose. But maybe I like collecting them. A bit like a memory keeper aren’t I? Makes you think, what made this person tick this way…

I have been harsh to so many people, I don’t know why it surprises me when they are harsh to me too. My teacher once told me, the best way to not be disappointed is to not have any expectations. But it’s pretty hard. The not expecting bit. You don’t know what you start expecting from people until they disappoint you. And then you are to blame for setting them up the way you did in your mind.

To quote Taylor Swift, “people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out”. So what do I do to get over such people and such memories? No easy way out. Can’t flush them into the void. Got to wait for it to fade. And hope that your memory isn’t as long as you think. Hope that you make enough memories to replace the bad ones. Hope that they are powerful enough to push the bad ones out of your head.Me… 

Hogwarts will always be my home.

How I found Harry Potter? Not through the books. It was in the year 2002, when I first saw the CD of a movie named Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone lying in my uncle’s collection. It looked interesting… with cute Daniel Radcliffe playing the Harry Potter. I wasn’t expecting to be entertained for the rest of my life when I push in the CD into the player that faithful afternoon. To say the least I was hooked. But you have no idea how I felt when I read the 4th book and then the 2nd book and then the 1st book! (Messed up I know!). I was travelling with my parents on a long train journey and I don’t think I even lifted my head up before I completed the chamber of secrets. I assume I made quite the impression on all my fellow passengers by laughing to myself and crying my eyes out at nothing. It was a ride! I will never forget the feeling… it was true love. I think I actually made myself believe for a while there that this book was based on true facts and happening. That there really was a school called Hogwarts where gifted students went to hone their magic skills. I think even tried to see if I had any by some chance. Though it already was a little late by them, I was 14. I could not wait for the fifth book. I actually read Goblet of fire so many times that the spine broke! And even though it was sad to come to realize slowly that it was really a story and there was no hidden school of magic, I have come to know that Hogwarts will always be a special place and I will always have a home there. Thank you for sharing your beautiful world with the rest of us Queen J.K. Rowling.
This beautiful ring is made by @thebookishpandora on Instagram and it has one of the most loved quote from the book – After all this time? Always… 

Sometimes you can’t move on.

I read it somewhere, “hate is heavy, so let it go”, and ever since the line has stayed at me. Some days I think of you. I look back on purpose. The memories are mostly good. I miss you. I know not how you feel but I can tell you are a bigger person than me, so you will most probably not even think before giving me your friendship back. I guess the only thing holding me back is me. I can’t forget the hurt. I know you didn’t mean to. Those were simple words. To you. I just am slightly more touché about things. I don’t hold any hate towards you anymore. But I know I am not capable of forgetting that feeling.

You really made me feel so bad that night. I never expected you to feel that way. Maybe because I had never felt that way. In-spite of the arguments and the fights, I still loved you. I never thought to call you my best friend because I knew you already had so many of those. I always knew I wasn’t as important in your life as you were in mine. You do not know of the tears that night. No one does. But I cried my share over the loss of you on the night before graduation. The hot salty tears leaving an invisible trail behind. I never want to feel that way again. I will never feel that way again.

I really miss you some days. But I have learned to fill that gap with lots of other things. Distractions. I have developed strange habits to lose focus. Books help. They always did. They are my one true escape. I still hope for a day when I don’t have to feel this way about you. I hope one day, I can forgive and forget about you. So you become just an acquaintance with no attachments.

Unexpected joys

I had a gift given to me by someone I once truly loved. It now stays with me as a reminder of the things I lost to pride. I carry it around with me everywhere, like an albatross around my neck. A proof of my guilt and sadness. I could easily have replaced it; I don’t know why I didn’t. I would have forever carried it around if not for the unexpected gift I received from an almost stranger. A surprise gift. Something I would have never got for myself inspite of having the resources to. I guess it is the masochistic side of my personality. Or maybe the frugal side. Who knows…  

The gift is beautiful. Handmade with love it says. Something I am always in need of. It asks me to believe. How apt. when I opened the parcel, not expecting it to fall to my lap, I felt my eyes sting. Another thing I cannot explain. Was it pain that made me carry it around for so long? Was it regret? But now I carry this new gift from an almost friend. And I smile every time I see “believe”. Maybe there is still time for redemption. Who knows…

Through the looking glass

“you can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” – Colin, An abundance of Katherine.

Another special day. Ahh these memories… the way we hold on to it, even when we don’t want to. What would I be without them… I find my past self so naive, so self absorbed, so abundantly ​unashamed in sharing my soul, so unworldly. Lol.

I remember moments of that past, bits and pieces of that love. Never the whole thing, like remembering a dish I had eaten at a small restaurant in my hometown. The taste of it so delicious. But only in my memories. Like moments of Sunshine in a cold winter morning, bringing in flashbacks of summer days. Only strong enough to warm the memories.

Your memories sneaking out through my eyes. I lose you a little each time. Bittersweet as it is… I wish I could relive it one more time. That youthfulness and carefree days, I wish I could have a go at it again just so I could truly appreciate the experience.

I would know how further in the future our decisions​ follow us. However much you try to forget, regret has a way of leaving you hollowed.

The memory of that phone call. What proof do I have that it ever took place at all.. only a few lines written on a post lost in the jungle of information that is internet.