Sometimes you can’t move on.

I read it somewhere, “hate is heavy, so let it go”, and ever since the line has stayed at me. Some days I think of you. I look back on purpose. The memories are mostly good. I miss you. I know not how you feel but I can tell you are a bigger person than me, so you will most probably not even think before giving me your friendship back. I guess the only thing holding me back is me. I can’t forget the hurt. I know you didn’t mean to. Those were simple words. To you. I just am slightly more touché about things. I don’t hold any hate towards you anymore. But I know I am not capable of forgetting that feeling.

You really made me feel so bad that night. I never expected you to feel that way. Maybe because I had never felt that way. In-spite of the arguments and the fights, I still loved you. I never thought to call you my best friend because I knew you already had so many of those. I always knew I wasn’t as important in your life as you were in mine. You do not know of the tears that night. No one does. But I cried my share over the loss of you on the night before graduation. The hot salty tears leaving an invisible trail behind. I never want to feel that way again. I will never feel that way again.

I really miss you some days. But I have learned to fill that gap with lots of other things. Distractions. I have developed strange habits to lose focus. Books help. They always did. They are my one true escape. I still hope for a day when I don’t have to feel this way about you. I hope one day, I can forgive and forget about you. So you become just an acquaintance with no attachments.

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the ‘You and me’ kind of confession

Dear you,

I have come a long way. But your memories, our memories still bring pangs of agony. I read everywhere that we should learn to let go. Learn to know when to give up. Learn to know when it’s time to walk away.  I did it. I walked away. But I still look back. And I still hurt. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when you are just a name in the list of names I no longer care about. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see your face in random friend’s wall and feel no tightening of the chest.

We are really far away from each other. And somehow it gives me a sense of relief, that there is no chance, no probability of me ever bumping into you. Because I don’t know if I have forgotten you enough to not care what you think of me.

You know what the trouble is with losing a best friend? You not only lose that one person in your life you thought was never going to leave your side, you are left with a huge blank in your life. A gaping hole in your soul which used to be filled with all the happy memories and time spent with your best friend. It’s like starting fresh in life. Only difference is, now you no longer feel comfortable enough to bare your soul the way you did with your best friend. Now you no longer believe you can find someone who is ever going to understand you or accept you the way you are. Now you no longer have a friend to lean on or share your happiness with. The trouble with losing your only best friend is, you are now all alone and no one has your back. No one to massage oil in your hair every alternate night. No one to go crazy with over a boy crush. No one to watch Korean dramas all through the night. No one to help you cross the road. No one to drag you along to watch the same movie twice just so your best friend could sit next to her crush. No one to be with while you grow into your own kind of person. Now you have nothing to look back on and smile. Because your every memory is tainted. Because all your memories are connected to that one person you are no longer connected with.

me…

finally… clarity!

So, here’s what I did. I cut myself off from everything that reminded me of you guys. Everything. And I promised myself I would never look back. I told myself I would try to do my best one last time and after that I would give up with peace in my mind, of having tried the best I could. I came back to the empty room that night and I cried till I could stop hurting like that. I told myself it was better this way. It was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I was supposed to be happy and share my happiness with everyone! But all I felt was these pins sticking at my heart from every direction. I told myself it would get over. I went through the day. I smiled a lot. I even smiled at you. But in the privacy of my room, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I realized that I was cutting off the best parts of my life. I messed up. Big time. I regretted it enough. But after I was done regretting and getting down and guilty about it all, I realized it was time to get over it. I needed to move on. And I didn’t know how. But I had to. So I tried my best. I tried to find out reasons for why it was the right thing to do. I accepted my faults. I often cried myself to sleep; I felt the pin-pricking tears every now and then when I accidentally came across your pictures on Facebook, etc. But I consoled myself, I told myself to look away. I told myself don’t look back, don’t think back. Think about the future. Reminded myself constantly that I still had a huge part of my life left to make awesome memories which would totally replace the old ones. And then months later I heard something on TV and it made me feel so empty inside. The guy in this TV show said he wanted friends who would still lie to him coz they are afraid of hurting him. And I thought back… I was that kind of friends with everyone. I didn’t have a single friend left with whom I could be honest to the point of brutality and still know that they understood I meant good and didn’t take offense. I was so careful all the time. I measured my word, I measured my actions, and I measured all my expression. I was so protective all the time. Everyone liked me! They thought I was a very sweet person and all the time I was like “yeah right”!! And I suddenly I had this crazy insight… You were that kind of friends with me. You were all careful and cordial and diplomatic while I went about arrogantly feeling like I knew you guys. I didn’t. Or I didn’t know you enough. You didn’t know me either. I thought we were close enough to share everything. Apparently we weren’t.
Hah!! And I laughed at myself. I was so so bloody naive. I guess you guys just saw me as someone who was super rude and obnoxious but you still put up with me because we shared dorms and because you guys are so polite and everything and God knows what!!! I was such a stupid fool. I was! I never got it!! Ah well. Now I feel bad for ever being real with you all. I should have put on my nice girl act and kept all my horrible opinions to myself right?!! I was truly such a thickheaded dung brained person ever!! I forgot. I let the walls down. I even told you my secret and I saw you guys make that face, full of disgust. But you couldn’t tell it to my face how pathetic I was to you! Because you guys are so nice and stuff! What was I thinking! Sometimes I do the most unbelievably dumb things. You must have thought what a bully I was!!
Now I feel downright sorry. I must have appeared such a douche bag. And I feel so bad that you had to suffer all of that. You must have been wishing to get me off your backs! Wow! I really messed up didn’t I?! I am truly sorry for putting you guys through all that annoyingness. I wish I had realized it sooner. I could have spared us all so much headaches (and heartaches in my case coz I am annoyingly emotional and touché!!). I was struggling so much with all these emotions and misunderstandings. I wish I was smarter. And not such a hyper-emotional idiot.
I swear I am going to learn from this. I won’t ever hurt someone else like this again. Please forgive me.

when to let love go…

Dear diary,
I think we as human, as people go through a lot of different struggles in our lives. Some of which are visible to others and for those visible struggles we can expect to receive support and encouragement and even respect from our near and dear ones. And then there are some struggles, going on inside us, hidden from everyone, invisible to all but us. A struggle which we as individuals have to deal with. Alone. It is those struggles that come to define us, of what kind of a person we turn out to be. We have to take a lot of hard decisions. And live with the consequences of those decisions. One of those hard decisions is… deciding to let go of the most favorite people in your life, because you realize that you are being a burden on them. That your friendship has become more of a baggage than a bonding of love and mutual liking.
I think I have taken a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Decisions which left ugly scars on both parties involved. I am a weak person. I am shallow, selfish and often foolish. I am short tempered and I take rash decisions which I later, much later, regret. I have taken a lot of bad decisions in my life, either by my actions or my in- actions. I have hurt people, people I love or loved, as a consequences of those decisions. And I have lived with that guilt, unable to share it with anyone. I think that is my punishment. To have to live with the knowledge that I was the reason for hurting people I loved so much. Maybe… I am unable to keep them because I don’t have a heart big enough.
I used to love them. I loved spending time with them, being with them. Some of my most beautiful memories are with them. But when I look back now… I took a horrible decision which spoilt all those memories. It was because of that decision that all my memories are now tainted with pain. When I look back now, it only hurts me. So the only way left is forward. I need to let go. And it’s so hard. To decide to forget, to decide to never look back. It hurts. To let go. Those sudden pangs of guilt that hits me when some random pictures of them show up on a mutual friend’s wall. To look at them and not feel anything, I wish that time comes soon.
I wonder what a kind person would do. Sometimes I feel so angry. But then I realize that it was after all my fault the way everything turned out. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios in my mind for that final meeting. None of them came true. What did happen was… I cried alone in an empty room for hours, unable to stop the tears… for the lose. Lose of love; lose of friendship, of the bonding we used to have. I used to think we were perfect. What we had was perfect. I thought that was how all friendships were supposed to be. I guess I was the only one thinking that. But anyway, I was happy to not have realized that it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was happy being oblivious. At least for a while.
I think, to date, I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of people in my life. But giving up on them… was is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I will do it. And do it with a smile. Because, I may not be a lot of things, but I am definitely brave. Or at least brave enough. To suffer the consequences of all the bad choices of my life.
I will forget them. I will let go. I will not hate them. I will just… distract myself long enough to move on. I won’t look back at the hurt and the fights. I will try. I will try to be a better person. For me. for them. They were beautiful. Those memories. I will learn to look past them.
Maybe… a few years down the line, I will not hurt like this. Maybe after a while this will seem like just another lesson. Maybe later, I will be able to look past the hurt and see the happiness I felt with them. Maybe I will learn to not let the pain quench the joy out of the moments which would forever be etched in my memory. Just maybe…
Me…

letting go…

Dear you, I see your life going by just fine without me. You don’t feel my absence. You don’t feel my presence either. And that hurts. To be invisible. I know I am a difficult person to be with, but after all this time I thought you at least understood me, if not accept the way I am. I cried on the night of my birthday because although you feel your words don’t hurt me, maybe cause I don’t react, it hurts so much. Words which were so simple to say… showed the true feelings you had for me. Maybe I am hyper sensitive, but I am not a fool. Maybe I am reserved, arrogant, upfront to the point of cruelity but at least I am not fake. I thought that was the most important thing to have in a relationship. At least you always knew where you stood with me. At least you didn’t have to worry what I actually thought about you. But of course, I couldn’t expect the same thing from you. You have no idea how much you hurt me. But I guess it’s ok now. I have learned another lesson in life. I always was slow in this respect. I never could stop expecting you to understand me. I have tried a lot to not show my anger and disappointment to you. And I guess I was successful. Because when you complain about all the things I do to you, you never stop to think that you are doing the exact same things to me. I do it to show you what you make me go through. And the things I do for you without any complaints. Unlike you, I never make a show of everything I do for you. But you don’t realize that. Why would you? After all I am always the bad guy aren’t I? I always put you before everyone else. Even before all the other people who loved me more than you, and even accepted me for who I am. Now I see how clingy I must have been. How desperate to gain your approval. And I never thought I would fall this low. Although I always got less than I gave, I never once thought about it, because I thought it was wrong to do so, that I was being selfish, because I thought relationships like ours weren’t based on a give and take rules. But I do now. I see all the time, you brought my spirit down, made me feel like a loser, made me feel guilty, and I chose to ignore every one of those moments, because I thought I was being hyper as usual. But I too have a limit. I guess I had bottled it all inside and now the bottle is too full to be ignored anymore. I have decided to give up on you. I have decided to not follow you anymore, to let you go at last. I am done with all the hurt and the silent tears. I won’t hate you. You are not worthy of it. I guess I will just forget you. You never needed me anyway. Me…

too far gone

I feel like a fool. I am truly the biggest thick-head ever. If I knew better, if I ever learned from my mistakes, I would have stayed away from him. I wouldn’t have tried to try to read him, tried to understand him. Because he is not someone I can help, he is not someone who wants to be helped. He is too far gone to be helped. He is going to corrupt my soul too…

I wish I had seen this lingering darkness around him sooner… before it started seeping into me. I wish I could have helped him. I wish I knew that he didn’t know how to ask for it. I wish I didn’t have to hurt him.

repairing my heart…

Ok!! So I saw you and I hid!! And you saw me trying to hide!! And some part of me did want you to notice that I was trying to ignore you purposely. I know it was stupid! And immature of me! And I should be more careful with the silly things I end up doing to someone I am trying very hard to forget! But your reaction… it was something which hurt me more. Laughing?? Ah well!! What was I expecting anyway??!! Now I seriously don’t want to talk to you. I can’t talk to you. I guess we are past the point from where we can return unscathed. I made sure of that with my stunt today right?!! And I also know it’s entirely my fault. I know it will take me some time to function normally but I’ll do it. I have to!! There is no other plan. I won’t fail. I can’t fail!!

Trying to act extra happy, I myself find me so fake! I’m laughing at things which are not even worth smiling. God! I’m so obvious!! Why can’t I be more natural??

If you had just pulled me aside on that first day and told me to dump my stupid plans I would have given up without a fight. But you didn’t. if only you had told me what exactly you think of all this that’s going on between us and how dumb you find it, I would have not thought twice before hugging you hard coz I miss you so much. But you didn’t. And it’s all my fault. I know I know I know!!! But I am not strong enough to change it. I am not emotionally stable enough to make things right between us. I know what I am doing is cowardly but I need to save me. I need to not die every day I look at you. I need to remove all the control you have over me. I can’t can’t can’t continue to function like this. I am not that good a person.

My heart breaks every time I see you type your security code in your phone because I know it’s her name. I can’t bear the feeling it gives me. Because I know why you kept her name as your phone code. You even told me you want to keep your kids name after her. Is that how much you love her? Or was that just a hint for me (which I obviously missed!!) to realise there was some one that important in your life??!! Coz seriously who on this sane earth keeps their own kids name after their wife’s name?? Maybe your grandkids but your direct descendents??! That would be weird. I guess it was all an act for me to get curious and ask who she was. Isn’t that super obvious?? So I was the biggest slow brained person on earth who took so long to get curious and ask him why he found her so special.

It’s easier said than done. I get what this phrase means now!!  Truly! But I am not gonna give up so easily. Or maybe I will. Coz I do stupid things for the stupidest of reason. Maybe I’ll have to work harder for a while. But the end result will be for my good. Right now, thinking about what all this will lead to, only makes me want to cry. But I know now it’s all for my good. I should have done it ages ago. When I actually started out… when I realised I was falling for the wrong things…

 I know you will not understand. I don’t understand it myself most of the time. So please have the heart to forgive me. Please ignore me, love me long enough for me to get over you, for me to go back to being normal. Please…