I burnt the bridges. I didn’t know how much it would hurt. I didn’t know I would never forget. I didn’t know I would never let go. I stand on the other side of the broken bridge. A part of me still stands there. But it hurt so much to hold on. It hurt a lot to stand there. I underestimated the repercussions of that decision. That I would have to follow through with it every day.

Every time I see you, it creates a pit in my stomach. I carry it around the whole day. I can’t distract myself anymore. I am glad that you are not as active on social media as others. I get to escape you every now and then because of it. I am glad I stay so far away from you; I never have to worry running into you again. But there is also that other side to it. Now I know I will never be able to go back to you. Now I know we will never make up. Maybe… it is a good thing.

I am not sorry I did it. But I am still hurt. You did say you didn’t want me around. To my face. How does it matter what words you used. Maybe… I was oversensitive but you said it. To my face. So I decided to make a clean break. I decided to end it first. I still have my pride. It wasn’t as clean of a break as I had imagined. You still linger around in the back of my head, ready to pounce on and dampen my day. You have no idea. You really have no idea.


We had been friends for more than 7 years…

Seven years curse. Seven years itch. Friendship longer than seven years. Seven years do not matter. I have stopped believing in permanence of anything. Most of all friendship.

I am grateful for the time we had. At least I got to experience all those years with you, when I believed we would have each other forever. It hurts my heart to look back now. Even to look at you. Wishing for future that does not exist. I sometimes cannot believe that there is no going back. All those years together… I never though, not in a million years that we would be strangers one day. But here we are. Strangers with a history.

loved and lost

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner


“it always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner


I remember reading these lines when I first read the book back in 2009 and tears welling up in my eyes… so beautiful… putting words to feeling that I never thought could be expressed.

Since then, I have often thought about these lines at several points in my life. But more so in recent times… whenever I think about that person in my life, someone who meant a lot and whose absence I feel most days when I find myself reminiscing. I have thought about my pain and how I would be without it. Would I be anything at all without my pain? It is the reason that I write. Do I want to lose it… I have had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. But somewhere inside me, this tiny seed of sadness has always been present. It is a very large part of who I am. If I lose it now, who would I be?

I remember a time when I couldn’t even look back anymore because it hurt so much. I haven’t forgiven them. I most probably never will. I have tried so hard to do that but I guess my heart just isn’t big enough and I am not a person who is kind enough. So, I learnt to forget them. I don’t remember them as much now. I have gathered the courage to look back and not be filled with anger.

I thought I hated them. But I loved them so much, I didn’t expect myself to get attached. I hated that I needed them. And hated them for making me feel so needy. I sometimes regret being so rash, for letting my insecurities control me. But now most of the times, rewinding that memory tape hundreds of time, playing out different scenarios in my head, I can’t come to a different conclusion. I just feel their absence.

I think about them. But I don’t hate them. I don’t blame them. Neither do I blame myself. If the silence has lasted this long, maybe this was meant to be. I have accepted that I can never go back. I don’t seem to have the energy to seek out and repair old relationships. I think I am slowly accepting that our paths have forked and now I don’t need their Friendships the way I did before. Friendship, that’s a hard word for me. Hard to use. Hard to share. And hard to be. Harder than love has ever been. It has meant a lot to me. It still holds so much value. And I am learning every day to let go of it.

Maybe this pain that I had held on to so hard for so long has gathered up its things and slipped out unannounced in the middle of my mundane everyday life’s chaos.