Sadness in retrospect

These are not memories I think about often. But when you are in the mood for retrospective, the odd bits flash across your mind. I tend to remember sadness in exaggerated colours. That’s my flaw. I remember the tones, the fall in the pit of my stomach, the tightening of my throat. The feelings.

I don’t like thinking about it all. But maybe I am drawn to it. The romaticization of it. It’s so much easier to write about sadness. The hollow in your heart, the doors you keep close all the time. It leaks though. Doesn’t it? The pain.

I am not a forgiving person. The bad bits just keep floating around my head. So, I can’t forgive or forget. I don’t do it on purpose. But maybe I like collecting them. A bit like a memory keeper aren’t I? Makes you think, what made this person tick this way…

I have been harsh to so many people, I don’t know why it surprises me when they are harsh to me too. My teacher once told me, the best way to not be disappointed is to not have any expectations. But it’s pretty hard. The not expecting bit. You don’t know what you start expecting from people until they disappoint you. And then you are to blame for setting them up the way you did in your mind.

To quote Taylor Swift, “people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out”. So what do I do to get over such people and such memories? No easy way out. Can’t flush them into the void. Got to wait for it to fade. And hope that your memory isn’t as long as you think. Hope that you make enough memories to replace the bad ones. Hope that they are powerful enough to push the bad ones out of your head.Me… 

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the ‘You and me’ kind of confession

Dear you,

I have come a long way. But your memories, our memories still bring pangs of agony. I read everywhere that we should learn to let go. Learn to know when to give up. Learn to know when it’s time to walk away.  I did it. I walked away. But I still look back. And I still hurt. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when you are just a name in the list of names I no longer care about. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see your face in random friend’s wall and feel no tightening of the chest.

We are really far away from each other. And somehow it gives me a sense of relief, that there is no chance, no probability of me ever bumping into you. Because I don’t know if I have forgotten you enough to not care what you think of me.

You know what the trouble is with losing a best friend? You not only lose that one person in your life you thought was never going to leave your side, you are left with a huge blank in your life. A gaping hole in your soul which used to be filled with all the happy memories and time spent with your best friend. It’s like starting fresh in life. Only difference is, now you no longer feel comfortable enough to bare your soul the way you did with your best friend. Now you no longer believe you can find someone who is ever going to understand you or accept you the way you are. Now you no longer have a friend to lean on or share your happiness with. The trouble with losing your only best friend is, you are now all alone and no one has your back. No one to massage oil in your hair every alternate night. No one to go crazy with over a boy crush. No one to watch Korean dramas all through the night. No one to help you cross the road. No one to drag you along to watch the same movie twice just so your best friend could sit next to her crush. No one to be with while you grow into your own kind of person. Now you have nothing to look back on and smile. Because your every memory is tainted. Because all your memories are connected to that one person you are no longer connected with.

me…