Unexpected joys

I had a gift given to me by someone I once truly loved. It now stays with me as a reminder of the things I lost to pride. I carry it around with me everywhere, like an albatross around my neck. A proof of my guilt and sadness. I could easily have replaced it; I don’t know why I didn’t. I would have forever carried it around if not for the unexpected gift I received from an almost stranger. A surprise gift. Something I would have never got for myself inspite of having the resources to. I guess it is the masochistic side of my personality. Or maybe the frugal side. Who knows…  

The gift is beautiful. Handmade with love it says. Something I am always in need of. It asks me to believe. How apt. when I opened the parcel, not expecting it to fall to my lap, I felt my eyes sting. Another thing I cannot explain. Was it pain that made me carry it around for so long? Was it regret? But now I carry this new gift from an almost friend. And I smile every time I see “believe”. Maybe there is still time for redemption. Who knows…

breaking of the dam

Memories flood my mind. I clench my hand to stop the flow. I don’t have time to deal with them right now. I look at you and think… how can one person be able to dictate my heart in so many ways??! I can’t remember when it started or how it started. Just remember feeling helpless for the first time and desperation… to get out of the situation.

I am the kind of person who falls just as easily in love as I fall out of it. I have a short attention span and I lose interest pretty fast. Nothing holds my attention for long. You might think I’m a flake. You might be right. I wish I knew why if I am so flaky, am I not able to get over him. I have always been the kind of person who values freedom more than anything. More than relationships, more than love. There isn’t a time I didn’t want to be free from all the responsibilities which are holding me, responsibilities born out of love and relationships. There are some I can’t let go, some I don’t want to and some which were attached to me by my birth and the coincidence of geography…

Of course I know these relationships don’t just burden me with their responsibilities but it also brings with it love so pure, it hurts to be enfolded in it. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I have never given in control in the relationships I have formed outside of my family. I find it more of a burden, the cost overriding the benefits of having a boyfriend. I don’t want any more added baggage to my already heavy bag of responsibilities.

Then how is it that I lost control this time? Maybe I became overconfident in my abilities to keep my heart in check. Maybe I grew careless. Maybe it’s the effect of reading too much of Paulo Coelho. I should have never believed him. I always knew I couldn’t trust anyone other than myself. But this time, I wanted to… so badly.