finally… clarity!

So, here’s what I did. I cut myself off from everything that reminded me of you guys. Everything. And I promised myself I would never look back. I told myself I would try to do my best one last time and after that I would give up with peace in my mind, of having tried the best I could. I came back to the empty room that night and I cried till I could stop hurting like that. I told myself it was better this way. It was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I was supposed to be happy and share my happiness with everyone! But all I felt was these pins sticking at my heart from every direction. I told myself it would get over. I went through the day. I smiled a lot. I even smiled at you. But in the privacy of my room, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I realized that I was cutting off the best parts of my life. I messed up. Big time. I regretted it enough. But after I was done regretting and getting down and guilty about it all, I realized it was time to get over it. I needed to move on. And I didn’t know how. But I had to. So I tried my best. I tried to find out reasons for why it was the right thing to do. I accepted my faults. I often cried myself to sleep; I felt the pin-pricking tears every now and then when I accidentally came across your pictures on Facebook, etc. But I consoled myself, I told myself to look away. I told myself don’t look back, don’t think back. Think about the future. Reminded myself constantly that I still had a huge part of my life left to make awesome memories which would totally replace the old ones. And then months later I heard something on TV and it made me feel so empty inside. The guy in this TV show said he wanted friends who would still lie to him coz they are afraid of hurting him. And I thought back… I was that kind of friends with everyone. I didn’t have a single friend left with whom I could be honest to the point of brutality and still know that they understood I meant good and didn’t take offense. I was so careful all the time. I measured my word, I measured my actions, and I measured all my expression. I was so protective all the time. Everyone liked me! They thought I was a very sweet person and all the time I was like “yeah right”!! And I suddenly I had this crazy insight… You were that kind of friends with me. You were all careful and cordial and diplomatic while I went about arrogantly feeling like I knew you guys. I didn’t. Or I didn’t know you enough. You didn’t know me either. I thought we were close enough to share everything. Apparently we weren’t.
Hah!! And I laughed at myself. I was so so bloody naive. I guess you guys just saw me as someone who was super rude and obnoxious but you still put up with me because we shared dorms and because you guys are so polite and everything and God knows what!!! I was such a stupid fool. I was! I never got it!! Ah well. Now I feel bad for ever being real with you all. I should have put on my nice girl act and kept all my horrible opinions to myself right?!! I was truly such a thickheaded dung brained person ever!! I forgot. I let the walls down. I even told you my secret and I saw you guys make that face, full of disgust. But you couldn’t tell it to my face how pathetic I was to you! Because you guys are so nice and stuff! What was I thinking! Sometimes I do the most unbelievably dumb things. You must have thought what a bully I was!!
Now I feel downright sorry. I must have appeared such a douche bag. And I feel so bad that you had to suffer all of that. You must have been wishing to get me off your backs! Wow! I really messed up didn’t I?! I am truly sorry for putting you guys through all that annoyingness. I wish I had realized it sooner. I could have spared us all so much headaches (and heartaches in my case coz I am annoyingly emotional and touché!!). I was struggling so much with all these emotions and misunderstandings. I wish I was smarter. And not such a hyper-emotional idiot.
I swear I am going to learn from this. I won’t ever hurt someone else like this again. Please forgive me.