Masochist

Seeing you every day is a torture, but something I look forward to every day.

I remember small details I should have forgotten long ago. How you held my hand while crossing a road which hardly had any traffic, how the sun shone on your face, how our shoulders touched each other when we met for the first time and shared a taxi, the patterns in your favorite shirt. Useless details. Why do I still think about you at all? You are gone. You have moved on. Then why am I still stuck exactly where I was a year back? I am trying to walk away. Although it scares me to think of a future where I won’t know where you are, I am trying to push those thoughts away and walk away from your life. I won’t hurt you anymore. I won’t be horrible anymore. I’ll leave you alone with her. Maybe now you love her more than you loved me once.

Before you came into my life, I thought love was just a fairy tale, something possible only in Katherine Heigl movies and Korean dramas. I thought I was incapable of loving or falling in love. I thought I would never understand; never know what all the hype was about. Because of you I experienced what it’s like to fall in love. I guess it was worth it. Though I still don’t believe in happy endings, I believe love is possible, even if it’s for a short while.

Will I ever see a day when I can look back and think of you and not be consumed with guilt? When I can forgive myself? I am sorry… really really sorry, and also thankful to you. Thank you for showing me the other side of the story. Thank you for trying to understand me, for trying to accept me with all my craziness, for trying to change yourself just for me. I did love you once. Please remember. Please remember the good times too sometimes, when you- if you ever think of me… You were my first love. You showed me love and the pain caused because of it. I’m sorry for the broken heart and the permanent scares…

I still think long lasting love is like a fairy tale, but thank you for letting me experience the magic for a little while.

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Criteria for Mr Right

Musings of a Procastinator

A while ago I posted about a crush I had on a guy I knew that was driving me insane. Today, finally, I can say with utmost confidence, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I won’t go into details about what happened because who knows who uses WordPress, but what happened today was all the evidence I need to know that he isn’t different, he isn’t the person that I so desperately wanted to like me, that he isn’t even my type! Bloomin’ hell girl, were you wearing the wrong prescription glasses all those months?! In fact, like a lot of men, (but not all of them) he’s very much interested in himself, he needs quite a bit of attention, and even if he doesn’t mean it which I know he doesn’t, he will forget about you once the girl of his dreams comes into the frame. Which is…

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breaking of the dam

Memories flood my mind. I clench my hand to stop the flow. I don’t have time to deal with them right now. I look at you and think… how can one person be able to dictate my heart in so many ways??! I can’t remember when it started or how it started. Just remember feeling helpless for the first time and desperation… to get out of the situation.

I am the kind of person who falls just as easily in love as I fall out of it. I have a short attention span and I lose interest pretty fast. Nothing holds my attention for long. You might think I’m a flake. You might be right. I wish I knew why if I am so flaky, am I not able to get over him. I have always been the kind of person who values freedom more than anything. More than relationships, more than love. There isn’t a time I didn’t want to be free from all the responsibilities which are holding me, responsibilities born out of love and relationships. There are some I can’t let go, some I don’t want to and some which were attached to me by my birth and the coincidence of geography…

Of course I know these relationships don’t just burden me with their responsibilities but it also brings with it love so pure, it hurts to be enfolded in it. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I have never given in control in the relationships I have formed outside of my family. I find it more of a burden, the cost overriding the benefits of having a boyfriend. I don’t want any more added baggage to my already heavy bag of responsibilities.

Then how is it that I lost control this time? Maybe I became overconfident in my abilities to keep my heart in check. Maybe I grew careless. Maybe it’s the effect of reading too much of Paulo Coelho. I should have never believed him. I always knew I couldn’t trust anyone other than myself. But this time, I wanted to… so badly.

I AM STRONGER

There are people in our lives who push and pull us towards or from our goals. I don’t think destiny is a fixed design of our future. I believe I am capable of changing it with every choice I make. I don’t know how to write exactly what I feel. There are so many emotions churning inside of my head.

Coming back home this time felt like coming out of the eye of the hurricane. I see all the distractions which are keeping me away from my goals. It’s not their fault. It’s all because I am weak. I have allowed them to pull me away from my dreams. It made me realize how temporary our feelings are, how easily they can be distracted, manipulated or played with…

Before I met him, I believed myself to be a strong person. I thought I was in control of my feelings. I thought I was good at building walls. I guess I was wrong. I had all these misconceptions about myself because I hadn’t met a worthy opponent who could break me down.

I guess now that I have put into words what he is to me, I can start to fight him. He has turned me into a person I never thought I would be. I know he is cruel, ruthless and selfish. But I AM STRONGER. I am stronger than him and I am going to overcome the chains of his bonds.

I wanted us to be friends. I thought he was someone who understood me, who viewed the world as I did. I thought we had a lot in common. I didn’t realize, he was just acting the part to fit my perceptions or expectations. Of course now I understand him. I feel sorry for him. Now I know he is lost. He is cannot help it. He is sinking. And if I don’t let him go now, he is going to pull me down with him.

Once upon a time, I would willingly have drowned with him… to be with him. I guess I did grow up after all. He has been the best teacher I could expect from life. Thanks to him I now know myself better.

too far gone

I feel like a fool. I am truly the biggest thick-head ever. If I knew better, if I ever learned from my mistakes, I would have stayed away from him. I wouldn’t have tried to try to read him, tried to understand him. Because he is not someone I can help, he is not someone who wants to be helped. He is too far gone to be helped. He is going to corrupt my soul too…

I wish I had seen this lingering darkness around him sooner… before it started seeping into me. I wish I could have helped him. I wish I knew that he didn’t know how to ask for it. I wish I didn’t have to hurt him.

When the Soul is Ready, the Soulmate Will Appear

Soul Dose

The best way to meet your romantic life partner is to work on yourself. When you work on yourself, either through meditation, personal growth studies, therapy and counseling, self-help books, personal growth seminars or studies, lectures, going to school or anything…

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