Unexpected joys

I had a gift given to me by someone I once truly loved. It now stays with me as a reminder of the things I lost to pride. I carry it around with me everywhere, like an albatross around my neck. A proof of my guilt and sadness. I could easily have replaced it; I don’t know why I didn’t. I would have forever carried it around if not for the unexpected gift I received from an almost stranger. A surprise gift. Something I would have never got for myself inspite of having the resources to. I guess it is the masochistic side of my personality. Or maybe the frugal side. Who knows…  

The gift is beautiful. Handmade with love it says. Something I am always in need of. It asks me to believe. How apt. when I opened the parcel, not expecting it to fall to my lap, I felt my eyes sting. Another thing I cannot explain. Was it pain that made me carry it around for so long? Was it regret? But now I carry this new gift from an almost friend. And I smile every time I see “believe”. Maybe there is still time for redemption. Who knows…

finally… clarity!

So, here’s what I did. I cut myself off from everything that reminded me of you guys. Everything. And I promised myself I would never look back. I told myself I would try to do my best one last time and after that I would give up with peace in my mind, of having tried the best I could. I came back to the empty room that night and I cried till I could stop hurting like that. I told myself it was better this way. It was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I was supposed to be happy and share my happiness with everyone! But all I felt was these pins sticking at my heart from every direction. I told myself it would get over. I went through the day. I smiled a lot. I even smiled at you. But in the privacy of my room, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I realized that I was cutting off the best parts of my life. I messed up. Big time. I regretted it enough. But after I was done regretting and getting down and guilty about it all, I realized it was time to get over it. I needed to move on. And I didn’t know how. But I had to. So I tried my best. I tried to find out reasons for why it was the right thing to do. I accepted my faults. I often cried myself to sleep; I felt the pin-pricking tears every now and then when I accidentally came across your pictures on Facebook, etc. But I consoled myself, I told myself to look away. I told myself don’t look back, don’t think back. Think about the future. Reminded myself constantly that I still had a huge part of my life left to make awesome memories which would totally replace the old ones. And then months later I heard something on TV and it made me feel so empty inside. The guy in this TV show said he wanted friends who would still lie to him coz they are afraid of hurting him. And I thought back… I was that kind of friends with everyone. I didn’t have a single friend left with whom I could be honest to the point of brutality and still know that they understood I meant good and didn’t take offense. I was so careful all the time. I measured my word, I measured my actions, and I measured all my expression. I was so protective all the time. Everyone liked me! They thought I was a very sweet person and all the time I was like “yeah right”!! And I suddenly I had this crazy insight… You were that kind of friends with me. You were all careful and cordial and diplomatic while I went about arrogantly feeling like I knew you guys. I didn’t. Or I didn’t know you enough. You didn’t know me either. I thought we were close enough to share everything. Apparently we weren’t.
Hah!! And I laughed at myself. I was so so bloody naive. I guess you guys just saw me as someone who was super rude and obnoxious but you still put up with me because we shared dorms and because you guys are so polite and everything and God knows what!!! I was such a stupid fool. I was! I never got it!! Ah well. Now I feel bad for ever being real with you all. I should have put on my nice girl act and kept all my horrible opinions to myself right?!! I was truly such a thickheaded dung brained person ever!! I forgot. I let the walls down. I even told you my secret and I saw you guys make that face, full of disgust. But you couldn’t tell it to my face how pathetic I was to you! Because you guys are so nice and stuff! What was I thinking! Sometimes I do the most unbelievably dumb things. You must have thought what a bully I was!!
Now I feel downright sorry. I must have appeared such a douche bag. And I feel so bad that you had to suffer all of that. You must have been wishing to get me off your backs! Wow! I really messed up didn’t I?! I am truly sorry for putting you guys through all that annoyingness. I wish I had realized it sooner. I could have spared us all so much headaches (and heartaches in my case coz I am annoyingly emotional and touché!!). I was struggling so much with all these emotions and misunderstandings. I wish I was smarter. And not such a hyper-emotional idiot.
I swear I am going to learn from this. I won’t ever hurt someone else like this again. Please forgive me.

when to let love go…

Dear diary,
I think we as human, as people go through a lot of different struggles in our lives. Some of which are visible to others and for those visible struggles we can expect to receive support and encouragement and even respect from our near and dear ones. And then there are some struggles, going on inside us, hidden from everyone, invisible to all but us. A struggle which we as individuals have to deal with. Alone. It is those struggles that come to define us, of what kind of a person we turn out to be. We have to take a lot of hard decisions. And live with the consequences of those decisions. One of those hard decisions is… deciding to let go of the most favorite people in your life, because you realize that you are being a burden on them. That your friendship has become more of a baggage than a bonding of love and mutual liking.
I think I have taken a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Decisions which left ugly scars on both parties involved. I am a weak person. I am shallow, selfish and often foolish. I am short tempered and I take rash decisions which I later, much later, regret. I have taken a lot of bad decisions in my life, either by my actions or my in- actions. I have hurt people, people I love or loved, as a consequences of those decisions. And I have lived with that guilt, unable to share it with anyone. I think that is my punishment. To have to live with the knowledge that I was the reason for hurting people I loved so much. Maybe… I am unable to keep them because I don’t have a heart big enough.
I used to love them. I loved spending time with them, being with them. Some of my most beautiful memories are with them. But when I look back now… I took a horrible decision which spoilt all those memories. It was because of that decision that all my memories are now tainted with pain. When I look back now, it only hurts me. So the only way left is forward. I need to let go. And it’s so hard. To decide to forget, to decide to never look back. It hurts. To let go. Those sudden pangs of guilt that hits me when some random pictures of them show up on a mutual friend’s wall. To look at them and not feel anything, I wish that time comes soon.
I wonder what a kind person would do. Sometimes I feel so angry. But then I realize that it was after all my fault the way everything turned out. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios in my mind for that final meeting. None of them came true. What did happen was… I cried alone in an empty room for hours, unable to stop the tears… for the lose. Lose of love; lose of friendship, of the bonding we used to have. I used to think we were perfect. What we had was perfect. I thought that was how all friendships were supposed to be. I guess I was the only one thinking that. But anyway, I was happy to not have realized that it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was happy being oblivious. At least for a while.
I think, to date, I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of people in my life. But giving up on them… was is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I will do it. And do it with a smile. Because, I may not be a lot of things, but I am definitely brave. Or at least brave enough. To suffer the consequences of all the bad choices of my life.
I will forget them. I will let go. I will not hate them. I will just… distract myself long enough to move on. I won’t look back at the hurt and the fights. I will try. I will try to be a better person. For me. for them. They were beautiful. Those memories. I will learn to look past them.
Maybe… a few years down the line, I will not hurt like this. Maybe after a while this will seem like just another lesson. Maybe later, I will be able to look past the hurt and see the happiness I felt with them. Maybe I will learn to not let the pain quench the joy out of the moments which would forever be etched in my memory. Just maybe…
Me…

story of me

They say, the best stories are the ones with little bit of truth in them. a little bit of the soul of the writer. I haven’t had the most extraordinary of lives… But there have been a lot of things I am always going to be grateful for. So this is my story. The reason that I write.
I know lose is a part of life. The way we deal with them makes us who we are. I can share happiness… it’s the sadness that I am partial about. I guess it’s the reason I am often labeled selfish. I know I am a hypersensitive person and there aren’t many ways for me to hide or overcome this defect in my character. Before reading the autobiography of Thrity Umrigar, an Indian parsi author, I never realized that I wasn’t an abnormality. That there were people out there who felt the way I did.
I lived in a small place, far out of reach of the world that I had started living in inside my head. I wanted to be part of that world, be part of her story, I wanted to ride the B.E.S.T bus with her, wanted to pull down my socks and hike up my skirt with her, I wanted to be the person buying story books with her. But we lived in different places and more importantly in different time era. But she was my inspiration. She was my friend, someone who understood me, someone who went through the same things that I went through, someone who realized that love could become a cage from which it would forever be difficult to fly away… someone who knew that letting go first, took so much courage. She felt like a soul sister I had from a different dimension. Through her story, I got hope… that future wasn’t as bleak as it looked, that there was a much wider world out there, and people who understood us, where we wouldn’t have to live like misfits, where we would be accepted for who we were and we didn’t have to hide behind the curtains of fake controlled smiles, that there was a way to experience the world from that small window of hope… books.
So I wrote. To be able to turn sorrows into stories. To be able to read them and let go of them. everytime reality got too hurtful I took refuge in the world of stories. Everytime the world got too sarcastic and mean, I turned to them again. Until it felt like the stories in those pages were more real than the real life passing me by. I tried to build a mask. To stop the pain from seeping out into all my relations. But damaged goods cannot be repaired, can never be brand new. The cracks were always going to show. I tried to hide it. tried to make up for it. but the truth is, the world always knows your weak points. And life always teaches the same lessons until we learn to learn from them. so when reality finally struck, and relations I thought most important to me couldn’t withstand the burden of my past, I had to lose them all…
They say love can overcome everything. I have been in love. And I ended up breaking them, destroying them. So now, Love scared me. I didn’t want to be a monster anymore. I closed all the windows to it. Because I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. I was tired of pulling everyone down with me, to that scary dark pit where hope had very little light. I didn’t want people who loved me, to face those demons I had to deal with on a regular basis. I was scared… that they wouldn’t love me if they knew the real me, if they found out how broken and beyond repair I was. I was scared that they would give up on me if they found out how far gone I was. So I gave up first. I left them before they could ever leave me. I was a young scared child in a grown person’s body. And nobody understood it, nobody had a clue about it. Cause I had managed to fool them all. I guess I was successful in building that mask I always wanted.
Until one day, when love decided to walk into my life, breaking down doors and pushing through the darkness of my soul. A love, which made me lose control and forced me to show my real self. Love which made me realize, I was holding on to too many things. Love, that made me realize that my heart had enough space for love but none for all that guilt. It made me realize that if I ever wanted to move forward in life, I had to first forgive myself. Those people I had hurt had long since forgotten me. They had moved way ahead in life… that I was only a distant memory, a small character in their story. But for me, the guilt kept the wounds fresh. It occupied and colored all my memories with hurt. Sometimes it filled all my waking hours with nightmares. Consciousness suffocated me. Sleep was my only escape.
But this beautiful love took me by the storm and left me without the support of the mask I had always held on to. It forced me to face my demons and overcome them. it made me realize that my hypersensitivity wasn’t a curse. That I was strong enough, capable enough to love and be loved. That I was held back by chains I had built myself. that the mask I had thought was my fortress had become my cage. And I only had to be strong enough to let it crumble. I realized that all I had to do was ask for forgiveness, that I didn’t have to suffer in silence. That sharing my hurt was going to enable me to let it go finally. So I did it. And with each story that I told, I felt the tightness in my heart loosening. The lump in my throat melting and love filling up my soul and hope glittering like diamonds. The grip of guilt finally letting go of me. at last freeing my soul.
This is me all barred. Judge me if you must. But I learnt all these lessons and I survived it all. And don’t they say? What doesn’t kills you make you stronger! I am better than I was. I will be better than I am. I promise.

letting go…

Dear you, I see your life going by just fine without me. You don’t feel my absence. You don’t feel my presence either. And that hurts. To be invisible. I know I am a difficult person to be with, but after all this time I thought you at least understood me, if not accept the way I am. I cried on the night of my birthday because although you feel your words don’t hurt me, maybe cause I don’t react, it hurts so much. Words which were so simple to say… showed the true feelings you had for me. Maybe I am hyper sensitive, but I am not a fool. Maybe I am reserved, arrogant, upfront to the point of cruelity but at least I am not fake. I thought that was the most important thing to have in a relationship. At least you always knew where you stood with me. At least you didn’t have to worry what I actually thought about you. But of course, I couldn’t expect the same thing from you. You have no idea how much you hurt me. But I guess it’s ok now. I have learned another lesson in life. I always was slow in this respect. I never could stop expecting you to understand me. I have tried a lot to not show my anger and disappointment to you. And I guess I was successful. Because when you complain about all the things I do to you, you never stop to think that you are doing the exact same things to me. I do it to show you what you make me go through. And the things I do for you without any complaints. Unlike you, I never make a show of everything I do for you. But you don’t realize that. Why would you? After all I am always the bad guy aren’t I? I always put you before everyone else. Even before all the other people who loved me more than you, and even accepted me for who I am. Now I see how clingy I must have been. How desperate to gain your approval. And I never thought I would fall this low. Although I always got less than I gave, I never once thought about it, because I thought it was wrong to do so, that I was being selfish, because I thought relationships like ours weren’t based on a give and take rules. But I do now. I see all the time, you brought my spirit down, made me feel like a loser, made me feel guilty, and I chose to ignore every one of those moments, because I thought I was being hyper as usual. But I too have a limit. I guess I had bottled it all inside and now the bottle is too full to be ignored anymore. I have decided to give up on you. I have decided to not follow you anymore, to let you go at last. I am done with all the hurt and the silent tears. I won’t hate you. You are not worthy of it. I guess I will just forget you. You never needed me anyway. Me…

in love with the wrong person

We don’t talk anymore. And I hate the way we have become strangers.

I look at everything as if through a looking glass… detached… and I see the mistakes I made which have brought me to the place I am in right now. I see now all the sequence of events which has led me to this place in life. And I know now that it is all because I wasn’t worthy of all that was given to me, the reason why I lost everything. He looks like a distant dream. Something my imagination had created out of thin air. He isn’t as perfect as I imagined him to be. He is not even near. But I still love him. I still can’t have him.

He was my inspiration. He was the reason I wrote. I don’t know since when it started, but now I couldn’t write unless I saw him… unless I had some sort of contact with him. I know it’s was wrong to feel this way about a man who could never be mine, but I couldn’t help it. I told myself several times that I didn’t really want him, that the way I felt for him was different, and that I didn’t want to have a defined relationship with him. But the truth was, I wanted it. I wanted all the things between us which were there in a serious relationship. I also knew it’s something which could never be possible. I was a girl in a committed relationship and I was happy in it. But I wanted more. I know it’s so selfish to even write it down, but I couldn’t hold it inside anymore.

It hits me like a tsunami. The waves of guilt drenching me. How did it happen? How did it start? What had I got myself into? How do I get out of it? Why on earth did I let this happen to me? So many questions hounding me… and I know, it’s all my fault.