haunted by a memory…

It was getting late. We had a series of test the next day. We needed to get to the hostel on time. We were sitting in a cab. Waiting for it to get full so we could leave. And I saw a young boy, I had taught on our weekend social cause program Prajjwal. The boy was a differently abled child. He was slower in his studies, was speech impaired and had a few facial disfigurations. He was bigger and older than the other kids but he was always kind and always persistent. He always walked the whole way from home to our institute, where we taught many other below poverty line children. It was a 3 kilometer distance away.

He came and sat in the cab but the cab driver pushed him out and I saw a group of other cab drivers standing around and making fun of the kid. I heard him argue with the driver and demanding why he was pushed out. What if he had fallen and got hurt? And all the while the other auto drivers made fun of his speech impairment, imitated him and laughed around. He looked at us, the teachers who taught him every Sunday, maybe looking for support, maybe expecting some help. But all we did was just sit inside the cab quietly.

I felt disgusted with myself, for being a coward. I wanted to get out of the cab right then. I wanted to protect the boy from all the abuse he must be going through as part of his daily life. He was so brave. But I did nothing. The cab left the stand. I felt so guilty, I felt I would never be able to forgive myself, to let go this feeling of incapability. And I vowed to never let something like this happen again. I wanted to do something. I didn’t know what. I just wanted the boy to not have to go through such circumstances again. But what could I do? What good was learning all those moral lessons and business ethics when I couldn’t put it into practice when the time came?

I reached my hostel. Changed and as time went by, I started forgetting the boy and the incidence. I was more worried about the tests the next day. I didn’t have time to think about someone else. The feeling I had when I saw the boy being treated that way, slowly left me. And I was immersed in my daily mundane activities. My priorities already shifting back to the way it was before I saw the whole incidence.

It’s sad to see the way human mechanism works. How we are able to close our eyes to everything wrong that goes on around us. Because they don’t affect us, we are able to unsee them. The incidence although most of the time fails to make its presence felt, occasionally leaves me with twigs of guilt. Although that infuriating feeling of injustice has dulled, I still get that image of that boy floating in my head sometimes…  A lot of time has passed since then, I wonder why I am still haunted by the vivid images of that evening…

down memory lane…

I never wanted it. The gold medal or the top job or the status. I was just trying to fulfill someone else’s expectations… because I knew how much it hurt to break them. I remember the night my dad cried. I realized that day how much they loved us, and how we had failed to understand them. It was that night I decided to do everything to never let them go through that kind of pain again. It was also the reason I took some wrong decisions in my life, but I don’t regret them. They made me stronger, the kind of person who can stand on her own without waiting to please the whole world. At least I built an identity for myself. At least I couldn’t be someone who could be ignored. Oh I was hated enough. I never had any friends. I was too opinionated for them all. I guess I was different. And not scared to show it. In fact I was actually quite proud of it. Didn’t want to be the same as every other person in there. Peas in a pod, too scared to stand out.

I met a lot of people. Some left me, some I left. I was repelled by some of them and some of them made me cling to them even after it was too late to salvage our relationships. I don’t regret any of it. Because looking at it all now, from this point of view, I see how it all shaped me as I person. And although I am still not perfect or as strong as I would like to be, I have learned to never let someone else decide my faith. I have learned that some people are always going to disappoint you no matter how careful you are with your selections. No matter how hard you try to be just and true and sincere, there will be some people who will call you selfish and self centered. You just need to learn to tune them out of your life, let go of them as soon as possible, because they are capable of destroying every inch of you without any second thoughts. Some people will always be bitter and they will drag you down along with them. And there will be people who will support you through hell just because they believe in you. Those are the kind of people you need to learn to treasure. There won’t be many but they sure will be there. We just need to learn to recognise them. They will find us.

I have made a lot of mistakes. Who hasn’t? But as they say –“to be human is to be beautifully flawed”. I have accepted the flaws in me and learned to make the best out of it. Although I am still too filled with pride to ask forgiveness from all those people I have judged too harshly, I carry the burden without a sound, the same way I carry the burden of all the expectations attached to me. It might feel too unbearable at times, but it also reminds me of all the people out there who love me enough to trust me to never break their hearts. Like mine was…

letting go…

Dear you, I see your life going by just fine without me. You don’t feel my absence. You don’t feel my presence either. And that hurts. To be invisible. I know I am a difficult person to be with, but after all this time I thought you at least understood me, if not accept the way I am. I cried on the night of my birthday because although you feel your words don’t hurt me, maybe cause I don’t react, it hurts so much. Words which were so simple to say… showed the true feelings you had for me. Maybe I am hyper sensitive, but I am not a fool. Maybe I am reserved, arrogant, upfront to the point of cruelity but at least I am not fake. I thought that was the most important thing to have in a relationship. At least you always knew where you stood with me. At least you didn’t have to worry what I actually thought about you. But of course, I couldn’t expect the same thing from you. You have no idea how much you hurt me. But I guess it’s ok now. I have learned another lesson in life. I always was slow in this respect. I never could stop expecting you to understand me. I have tried a lot to not show my anger and disappointment to you. And I guess I was successful. Because when you complain about all the things I do to you, you never stop to think that you are doing the exact same things to me. I do it to show you what you make me go through. And the things I do for you without any complaints. Unlike you, I never make a show of everything I do for you. But you don’t realize that. Why would you? After all I am always the bad guy aren’t I? I always put you before everyone else. Even before all the other people who loved me more than you, and even accepted me for who I am. Now I see how clingy I must have been. How desperate to gain your approval. And I never thought I would fall this low. Although I always got less than I gave, I never once thought about it, because I thought it was wrong to do so, that I was being selfish, because I thought relationships like ours weren’t based on a give and take rules. But I do now. I see all the time, you brought my spirit down, made me feel like a loser, made me feel guilty, and I chose to ignore every one of those moments, because I thought I was being hyper as usual. But I too have a limit. I guess I had bottled it all inside and now the bottle is too full to be ignored anymore. I have decided to give up on you. I have decided to not follow you anymore, to let you go at last. I am done with all the hurt and the silent tears. I won’t hate you. You are not worthy of it. I guess I will just forget you. You never needed me anyway. Me…

in love with the wrong person

We don’t talk anymore. And I hate the way we have become strangers.

I look at everything as if through a looking glass… detached… and I see the mistakes I made which have brought me to the place I am in right now. I see now all the sequence of events which has led me to this place in life. And I know now that it is all because I wasn’t worthy of all that was given to me, the reason why I lost everything. He looks like a distant dream. Something my imagination had created out of thin air. He isn’t as perfect as I imagined him to be. He is not even near. But I still love him. I still can’t have him.

He was my inspiration. He was the reason I wrote. I don’t know since when it started, but now I couldn’t write unless I saw him… unless I had some sort of contact with him. I know it’s was wrong to feel this way about a man who could never be mine, but I couldn’t help it. I told myself several times that I didn’t really want him, that the way I felt for him was different, and that I didn’t want to have a defined relationship with him. But the truth was, I wanted it. I wanted all the things between us which were there in a serious relationship. I also knew it’s something which could never be possible. I was a girl in a committed relationship and I was happy in it. But I wanted more. I know it’s so selfish to even write it down, but I couldn’t hold it inside anymore.

It hits me like a tsunami. The waves of guilt drenching me. How did it happen? How did it start? What had I got myself into? How do I get out of it? Why on earth did I let this happen to me? So many questions hounding me… and I know, it’s all my fault.

silent communication

I am learning from the best. Whatever he does I follow. I must tell though, that it took me some time to get used to the tactics he used to teach me. But once I learned that it was his way of letting me know what he wanted, I have never stopped learning. We hardly use words to communicate. He has taught me a better way. It’s said – “actions speak louder than words.” and I for once appreciate the true wisdom of these words. I have learnt that no matter what I say, it won’t matter much unless I prove it with my deeds. My actions speak much louder than my words ever will. I understand that I am different and not everyone understands appreciates or even knows how much I go through. I thought keeping it all inside would help me from being judged. But the truth is, because of it I was judged even harder. I heard all sorts of comments passed, snide remarks made, sarcasm shown in ways so obvious that I felt like catching hold of their necks and dragging them out of their rhino-thick skins. I felt like shouting – “just coz I don’t come back with a witty retort to your stupid remarks, doesn’t mean I don’t understand when you are insulting me with your pathetic sarcasm. Just because I am not as loud as you people doesn’t mean I am not smart. Just coz I don’t like displaying my feeling to the whole wide world doesn’t mean I don’t have any. Why don’t you leave me alone and get on with your own f***ing life!!!” I was so pissed off with everyone that I forgot to appreciate the good things in life. I felt lost and started losing my belief in God. I think it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I think it’s the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Losing my faith was a tough blow… but because I have so many good people in my life, whom I had never acknowledged or taken time to appreciate, I was saved just in time. I don’t know how everything would have turned out if I didn’t have all those people around me to save me. He is one of them. His ways might be different but he has also let me experience a few unique sides of life. And because he is so different I think I gained a whole lot different perspective of the world and my emotions.