Unexpected joys

I had a gift given to me by someone I once truly loved. It now stays with me as a reminder of the things I lost to pride. I carry it around with me everywhere, like an albatross around my neck. A proof of my guilt and sadness. I could easily have replaced it; I don’t know why I didn’t. I would have forever carried it around if not for the unexpected gift I received from an almost stranger. A surprise gift. Something I would have never got for myself inspite of having the resources to. I guess it is the masochistic side of my personality. Or maybe the frugal side. Who knows…  

The gift is beautiful. Handmade with love it says. Something I am always in need of. It asks me to believe. How apt. when I opened the parcel, not expecting it to fall to my lap, I felt my eyes sting. Another thing I cannot explain. Was it pain that made me carry it around for so long? Was it regret? But now I carry this new gift from an almost friend. And I smile every time I see “believe”. Maybe there is still time for redemption. Who knows…

Through the looking glass


“you can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” – Colin, An abundance of Katherine.

Another special day. Ahh these memories… the way we hold on to it, even when we don’t want to. What would I be without them… I find my past self so naive, so self absorbed, so abundantly ​unashamed in sharing my soul, so unworldly. Lol.

I remember moments of that past, bits and pieces of that love. Never the whole thing, like remembering a dish I had eaten at a small restaurant in my hometown. The taste of it so delicious. But only in my memories. Like moments of Sunshine in a cold winter morning, bringing in flashbacks of summer days. Only strong enough to warm the memories.

Your memories sneaking out through my eyes. I lose you a little each time. Bittersweet as it is… I wish I could relive it one more time. That youthfulness and carefree days, I wish I could have a go at it again just so I could truly appreciate the experience.

I would know how further in the future our decisions​ follow us. However much you try to forget, regret has a way of leaving you hollowed.

The memory of that phone call. What proof do I have that it ever took place at all.. only a few lines written on a post lost in the jungle of information that is internet.

To ‘Once-upon-a-time’ friendship

Dear once-upon-a-time-best-friend,

It’s been quite a long time since we have been in touch. I remember our last conversation. You congratulating me on the gold medal, me accepting the wishes graciously. Very unlike us. I remember that night clear as day. Talk about paradox. I remember the days leading up to it quite clearly too. I remember writing that acceptance speech, trying to be all grown up. But the best part of that speech came the night before the graduation ceremony. When I tried to make up with you. But was met with empty corridors. The tears that night really burned a hole and the words were beautiful. I can never forgive you. And I know you do not seek it, do not even know the impact it had left on me. Well, you didn’t care. You never did. I shouldn’t have either. But I did. Foolish huh.

I know I was at fault. I had hurt your feelings. That is why I tried. But I guess it was too late by then. I am sorry for that. You do not know how much. But I am. Still. I wish I had done things differently. But the past is what it is. I can only work on my present and my future. I say this with all my heart that I hope I have matured since then. Although I don’t know for sure. One never knows. Until tested. And I hope I don’t get tested anytime soon. I am still fragile. Because I still can’t forgive you. This is the truth. I have learned to live with it running in the background, it has become part of the white noise inside my brain. But I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know if I ever will. Hence all the sad sob shares on social media. I try hard to make up for your absence in my life. Most times I don’t even care. But days like this leave me wistful.

Special days. I hate them the most. I like the monotony now. It’s comforting. Something I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear you being mentioned by our mutual friends, my heart skips a beat, I don’t always know how to react. So I choose the easy way, I ignore it. I still haven’t told my mom about us. She thinks we just drifted apart. Somehow it feels like if I tell another person about us, you will be forever lost. Somehow, someone else knowing we are no longer friends would make the fact concrete. As though it isn’t already so. I am such a fool sometimes.

I still miss you. I miss you most when I hear my new friends reminiscing about their college days like they were last night. I have no stories. Not anymore. I wish I could be part of theirs but I can’t. I am adrift. Sometimes I think it’s for the best. This way there is less chance of getting hurt or hurting others. I am especially cruel with people I love. Don’t ask how I got so screwed up. But I like running away from love. Just another damaged good. Let’s leave it at that. Nothing new. No use romanticizing this broken-ness. I have read enough posts to know how one can start loving this misery, this notion of being a victim. I at least have not stooped to that level. Tears still are a sign of weakness and if you can’t live your life just because of a mistake you made, you are pathetic. Tears are to be shed in the darkness of the night, only to be shared with your pillow. This is my notion of adulthood. Maybe because I look through a cracked glass. I like to know the other side of the story too.

I hope you are happy. You were always such a congenial person. I know life would be a breeze for you. Or I hope so. Anyway, happy friendship day to you and your friends. Late though I might be, my wishes for you are true.

From your once-upon-a-time-best-friend.

P.S – not really sure if I actually was your Best Friend or was it all just inside my head?!

loved and lost

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

“it always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

I remember reading these lines when I first read the book back in 2009 and tears welling up in my eyes… so beautiful… putting words to feeling that I never thought could be expressed.

Since then, I have often thought about these lines at several points in my life. But more so in recent times… whenever I think about that person in my life, someone who meant a lot and whose absence I feel most days when I find myself reminiscing. I have thought about my pain and how I would be without it. Would I be anything at all without my pain? It is the reason that I write. Do I want to lose it… I have had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. But somewhere inside me, this tiny seed of sadness has always been present. It is a very large part of who I am. If I lose it now, who would I be?

I remember a time when I couldn’t even look back anymore because it hurt so much. I haven’t forgiven them. I most probably never will. I have tried so hard to do that but I guess my heart just isn’t big enough and I am not a person who is kind enough. So, I learnt to forget them. I don’t remember them as much now. I have gathered the courage to look back and not be filled with anger.

I thought I hated them. But I loved them so much, I didn’t expect myself to get attached. I hated that I needed them. And hated them for making me feel so needy. I sometimes regret being so rash, for letting my insecurities control me. But now most of the times, rewinding that memory tape hundreds of time, playing out different scenarios in my head, I can’t come to a different conclusion. I just feel their absence.

I think about them. But I don’t hate them. I don’t blame them. Neither do I blame myself. If the silence has lasted this long, maybe this was meant to be. I have accepted that I can never go back. I don’t seem to have the energy to seek out and repair old relationships. I think I am slowly accepting that our paths have forked and now I don’t need their Friendships the way I did before. Friendship, that’s a hard word for me. Hard to use. Hard to share. And hard to be. Harder than love has ever been. It has meant a lot to me. It still holds so much value. And I am learning every day to let go of it.

Maybe this pain that I had held on to so hard for so long has gathered up its things and slipped out unannounced in the middle of my mundane everyday life’s chaos.

if you ever look back…

Not so smart after all… a small sentence. Containing a lifetime of regret.

It was a good life. Some of my best times. The memories… ahh.. sometimes they don’t let me breathe. I still look back. I still hurt. I still regret.

I try… so hard to stay away from anything which might bring back those memories… I fail. It doesn’t work most of the time. Mostly because I have no self-control. I miss…

I know I missed that window in time. I don’t even try anymore. I know I will never find that feeling again. I try to replace it with everything else in life. But I miss those bonds… I never wanted to become the person I am right now. I always wanted a separate identity… a backup when everything falls apart or maybe when I needed my space. I find myself having too much of it now… the blank hollow space…

Retrospective is a cruel thing. I wonder if I am the only one feeling this way… if you ever look back. Wanting things to mend itself. Go back to being that day dreamer that I was…

the ‘You and me’ kind of confession

Dear you,

I have come a long way. But your memories, our memories still bring pangs of agony. I read everywhere that we should learn to let go. Learn to know when to give up. Learn to know when it’s time to walk away.  I did it. I walked away. But I still look back. And I still hurt. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when you are just a name in the list of names I no longer care about. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see your face in random friend’s wall and feel no tightening of the chest.

We are really far away from each other. And somehow it gives me a sense of relief, that there is no chance, no probability of me ever bumping into you. Because I don’t know if I have forgotten you enough to not care what you think of me.

You know what the trouble is with losing a best friend? You not only lose that one person in your life you thought was never going to leave your side, you are left with a huge blank in your life. A gaping hole in your soul which used to be filled with all the happy memories and time spent with your best friend. It’s like starting fresh in life. Only difference is, now you no longer feel comfortable enough to bare your soul the way you did with your best friend. Now you no longer believe you can find someone who is ever going to understand you or accept you the way you are. Now you no longer have a friend to lean on or share your happiness with. The trouble with losing your only best friend is, you are now all alone and no one has your back. No one to massage oil in your hair every alternate night. No one to go crazy with over a boy crush. No one to watch Korean dramas all through the night. No one to help you cross the road. No one to drag you along to watch the same movie twice just so your best friend could sit next to her crush. No one to be with while you grow into your own kind of person. Now you have nothing to look back on and smile. Because your every memory is tainted. Because all your memories are connected to that one person you are no longer connected with.

me…

finally… clarity!

So, here’s what I did. I cut myself off from everything that reminded me of you guys. Everything. And I promised myself I would never look back. I told myself I would try to do my best one last time and after that I would give up with peace in my mind, of having tried the best I could. I came back to the empty room that night and I cried till I could stop hurting like that. I told myself it was better this way. It was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I was supposed to be happy and share my happiness with everyone! But all I felt was these pins sticking at my heart from every direction. I told myself it would get over. I went through the day. I smiled a lot. I even smiled at you. But in the privacy of my room, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I realized that I was cutting off the best parts of my life. I messed up. Big time. I regretted it enough. But after I was done regretting and getting down and guilty about it all, I realized it was time to get over it. I needed to move on. And I didn’t know how. But I had to. So I tried my best. I tried to find out reasons for why it was the right thing to do. I accepted my faults. I often cried myself to sleep; I felt the pin-pricking tears every now and then when I accidentally came across your pictures on Facebook, etc. But I consoled myself, I told myself to look away. I told myself don’t look back, don’t think back. Think about the future. Reminded myself constantly that I still had a huge part of my life left to make awesome memories which would totally replace the old ones. And then months later I heard something on TV and it made me feel so empty inside. The guy in this TV show said he wanted friends who would still lie to him coz they are afraid of hurting him. And I thought back… I was that kind of friends with everyone. I didn’t have a single friend left with whom I could be honest to the point of brutality and still know that they understood I meant good and didn’t take offense. I was so careful all the time. I measured my word, I measured my actions, and I measured all my expression. I was so protective all the time. Everyone liked me! They thought I was a very sweet person and all the time I was like “yeah right”!! And I suddenly I had this crazy insight… You were that kind of friends with me. You were all careful and cordial and diplomatic while I went about arrogantly feeling like I knew you guys. I didn’t. Or I didn’t know you enough. You didn’t know me either. I thought we were close enough to share everything. Apparently we weren’t.
Hah!! And I laughed at myself. I was so so bloody naive. I guess you guys just saw me as someone who was super rude and obnoxious but you still put up with me because we shared dorms and because you guys are so polite and everything and God knows what!!! I was such a stupid fool. I was! I never got it!! Ah well. Now I feel bad for ever being real with you all. I should have put on my nice girl act and kept all my horrible opinions to myself right?!! I was truly such a thickheaded dung brained person ever!! I forgot. I let the walls down. I even told you my secret and I saw you guys make that face, full of disgust. But you couldn’t tell it to my face how pathetic I was to you! Because you guys are so nice and stuff! What was I thinking! Sometimes I do the most unbelievably dumb things. You must have thought what a bully I was!!
Now I feel downright sorry. I must have appeared such a douche bag. And I feel so bad that you had to suffer all of that. You must have been wishing to get me off your backs! Wow! I really messed up didn’t I?! I am truly sorry for putting you guys through all that annoyingness. I wish I had realized it sooner. I could have spared us all so much headaches (and heartaches in my case coz I am annoyingly emotional and touché!!). I was struggling so much with all these emotions and misunderstandings. I wish I was smarter. And not such a hyper-emotional idiot.
I swear I am going to learn from this. I won’t ever hurt someone else like this again. Please forgive me.