Because hating you is harder

I guess, I was holding on too tightly… maybe I was suffocating us. Maybe I was suffocating myself… Because when I let you go, it wasn’t all that difficult. It was easy to forget you, easier than to hate you and always keep you close to my heart. As the tears trickled down the side of face while I lay in the bed and stared at the ceiling fan, I felt my heart letting go of you… I felt your love, hatred, friendship, betrayal, judgments leave me… my throat felt thick, too thick with emotions, with memories, with unsaid sorrys… All that I thought I had long ago buried away… I really do not learn from my mistakes. I realized, how my pride had kept me from ever being free of the guilt. I guess, I cannot take care of everything. And everything does not, will not go my way. I am not strong enough to handle it all alone. That I did need you once. But that I have outgrown you. I cannot hang on to an image of you, I had inside my head. That you too have outgrown me. So, I am saying good bye now. For both of us. I loved you a lot. And I missed you too. Although I wasn’t brave to say this before. But I am going to let you go now. Along with all the grudges, misunderstandings and unspoken hurt. Sorry.
Maybe you’ll read this, maybe/ most probably not. But at least I’ve said my sorrys to the universe. Where ever you are, I hope you forgive me too. Someday.

mirage of memories…

Those tiny few precious seconds between consciousness and sleep… the moments when I forget to keep control… your loss feels more real, more close, more suffocating… and I think, was it worth it to have made so many memories… to have to live with them… haunting the present… is it really worth it to have experienced so much, having seen life at its best… to have to live with just a shade of what it all could have been like. To know what lose feels like. If I had never experienced it all, I would never have known what giving it all up would feel like… will I be able to live the rest of my life in the shadows of the memories made… of having lost it all…