Sometimes you can’t move on.

I read it somewhere, “hate is heavy, so let it go”, and ever since the line has stayed at me. Some days I think of you. I look back on purpose. The memories are mostly good. I miss you. I know not how you feel but I can tell you are a bigger person than me, so you will most probably not even think before giving me your friendship back. I guess the only thing holding me back is me. I can’t forget the hurt. I know you didn’t mean to. Those were simple words. To you. I just am slightly more touché about things. I don’t hold any hate towards you anymore. But I know I am not capable of forgetting that feeling.

You really made me feel so bad that night. I never expected you to feel that way. Maybe because I had never felt that way. In-spite of the arguments and the fights, I still loved you. I never thought to call you my best friend because I knew you already had so many of those. I always knew I wasn’t as important in your life as you were in mine. You do not know of the tears that night. No one does. But I cried my share over the loss of you on the night before graduation. The hot salty tears leaving an invisible trail behind. I never want to feel that way again. I will never feel that way again.

I really miss you some days. But I have learned to fill that gap with lots of other things. Distractions. I have developed strange habits to lose focus. Books help. They always did. They are my one true escape. I still hope for a day when I don’t have to feel this way about you. I hope one day, I can forgive and forget about you. So you become just an acquaintance with no attachments.

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loved and lost

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

“it always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

I remember reading these lines when I first read the book back in 2009 and tears welling up in my eyes… so beautiful… putting words to feeling that I never thought could be expressed.

Since then, I have often thought about these lines at several points in my life. But more so in recent times… whenever I think about that person in my life, someone who meant a lot and whose absence I feel most days when I find myself reminiscing. I have thought about my pain and how I would be without it. Would I be anything at all without my pain? It is the reason that I write. Do I want to lose it… I have had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. But somewhere inside me, this tiny seed of sadness has always been present. It is a very large part of who I am. If I lose it now, who would I be?

I remember a time when I couldn’t even look back anymore because it hurt so much. I haven’t forgiven them. I most probably never will. I have tried so hard to do that but I guess my heart just isn’t big enough and I am not a person who is kind enough. So, I learnt to forget them. I don’t remember them as much now. I have gathered the courage to look back and not be filled with anger.

I thought I hated them. But I loved them so much, I didn’t expect myself to get attached. I hated that I needed them. And hated them for making me feel so needy. I sometimes regret being so rash, for letting my insecurities control me. But now most of the times, rewinding that memory tape hundreds of time, playing out different scenarios in my head, I can’t come to a different conclusion. I just feel their absence.

I think about them. But I don’t hate them. I don’t blame them. Neither do I blame myself. If the silence has lasted this long, maybe this was meant to be. I have accepted that I can never go back. I don’t seem to have the energy to seek out and repair old relationships. I think I am slowly accepting that our paths have forked and now I don’t need their Friendships the way I did before. Friendship, that’s a hard word for me. Hard to use. Hard to share. And hard to be. Harder than love has ever been. It has meant a lot to me. It still holds so much value. And I am learning every day to let go of it.

Maybe this pain that I had held on to so hard for so long has gathered up its things and slipped out unannounced in the middle of my mundane everyday life’s chaos.

story of me

They say, the best stories are the ones with little bit of truth in them. a little bit of the soul of the writer. I haven’t had the most extraordinary of lives… But there have been a lot of things I am always going to be grateful for. So this is my story. The reason that I write.
I know lose is a part of life. The way we deal with them makes us who we are. I can share happiness… it’s the sadness that I am partial about. I guess it’s the reason I am often labeled selfish. I know I am a hypersensitive person and there aren’t many ways for me to hide or overcome this defect in my character. Before reading the autobiography of Thrity Umrigar, an Indian parsi author, I never realized that I wasn’t an abnormality. That there were people out there who felt the way I did.
I lived in a small place, far out of reach of the world that I had started living in inside my head. I wanted to be part of that world, be part of her story, I wanted to ride the B.E.S.T bus with her, wanted to pull down my socks and hike up my skirt with her, I wanted to be the person buying story books with her. But we lived in different places and more importantly in different time era. But she was my inspiration. She was my friend, someone who understood me, someone who went through the same things that I went through, someone who realized that love could become a cage from which it would forever be difficult to fly away… someone who knew that letting go first, took so much courage. She felt like a soul sister I had from a different dimension. Through her story, I got hope… that future wasn’t as bleak as it looked, that there was a much wider world out there, and people who understood us, where we wouldn’t have to live like misfits, where we would be accepted for who we were and we didn’t have to hide behind the curtains of fake controlled smiles, that there was a way to experience the world from that small window of hope… books.
So I wrote. To be able to turn sorrows into stories. To be able to read them and let go of them. everytime reality got too hurtful I took refuge in the world of stories. Everytime the world got too sarcastic and mean, I turned to them again. Until it felt like the stories in those pages were more real than the real life passing me by. I tried to build a mask. To stop the pain from seeping out into all my relations. But damaged goods cannot be repaired, can never be brand new. The cracks were always going to show. I tried to hide it. tried to make up for it. but the truth is, the world always knows your weak points. And life always teaches the same lessons until we learn to learn from them. so when reality finally struck, and relations I thought most important to me couldn’t withstand the burden of my past, I had to lose them all…
They say love can overcome everything. I have been in love. And I ended up breaking them, destroying them. So now, Love scared me. I didn’t want to be a monster anymore. I closed all the windows to it. Because I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. I was tired of pulling everyone down with me, to that scary dark pit where hope had very little light. I didn’t want people who loved me, to face those demons I had to deal with on a regular basis. I was scared… that they wouldn’t love me if they knew the real me, if they found out how broken and beyond repair I was. I was scared that they would give up on me if they found out how far gone I was. So I gave up first. I left them before they could ever leave me. I was a young scared child in a grown person’s body. And nobody understood it, nobody had a clue about it. Cause I had managed to fool them all. I guess I was successful in building that mask I always wanted.
Until one day, when love decided to walk into my life, breaking down doors and pushing through the darkness of my soul. A love, which made me lose control and forced me to show my real self. Love which made me realize, I was holding on to too many things. Love, that made me realize that my heart had enough space for love but none for all that guilt. It made me realize that if I ever wanted to move forward in life, I had to first forgive myself. Those people I had hurt had long since forgotten me. They had moved way ahead in life… that I was only a distant memory, a small character in their story. But for me, the guilt kept the wounds fresh. It occupied and colored all my memories with hurt. Sometimes it filled all my waking hours with nightmares. Consciousness suffocated me. Sleep was my only escape.
But this beautiful love took me by the storm and left me without the support of the mask I had always held on to. It forced me to face my demons and overcome them. it made me realize that my hypersensitivity wasn’t a curse. That I was strong enough, capable enough to love and be loved. That I was held back by chains I had built myself. that the mask I had thought was my fortress had become my cage. And I only had to be strong enough to let it crumble. I realized that all I had to do was ask for forgiveness, that I didn’t have to suffer in silence. That sharing my hurt was going to enable me to let it go finally. So I did it. And with each story that I told, I felt the tightness in my heart loosening. The lump in my throat melting and love filling up my soul and hope glittering like diamonds. The grip of guilt finally letting go of me. at last freeing my soul.
This is me all barred. Judge me if you must. But I learnt all these lessons and I survived it all. And don’t they say? What doesn’t kills you make you stronger! I am better than I was. I will be better than I am. I promise.

The real me… lost and found

Been so crazy for so long to believe in happy go lucky mantra, fell in love with it the first time I heard it and decided to follow it ever since, and don’t intend to stop just because a pissed off fellow tells me to, because I’ve never hurt people intentionally, asked forgiveness every time i felt i did someone wrong and meant it…

Forgave people who hurt me;of course with time, but completely. the shadows of past never dulled the happiness of meeting the people him/herself who caused the unhappiness… How many of you can tell honestly that you prayed for the people who hurt you? I do, every time my heart reeks with the betrayal of a dear one. whether the incident happened in the past or present…

Now, my relation is with god not with those who hurt me. but still, here i am justifying my actions to find love and acceptance in the heart of haters, can i care more?? perhaps i should care less.. because it hurts so much…

I may not have many real friends in life but those that i do i treasure them like diamonds. Perhaps some try to come close too, like i do, but i fail to notice their efforts like some fail to notice mine, them, I never hold a grudge against, after all we are all human and have our own preferences and hence hope for the same from those that get ignored by me. Forgive me for i am a bit of a loner not by choice but by nature. love the company of nature more and love to reflect, so… it happens . .

Always heard no matter how great a person is they always have someone who will hate them for some reason.. never wanted to believe it. call it self pity or self praise but yes i believe it now. After the many stabs of friends that cover my soul and all i felt was betrayal. I don’t expect all of you to understand how much it pains me to loose a friend or gain an enemy, but I do hope that those I hold close to my heart will at least attempt to understand. . . I hold no ill will for anyone. But if anyone does i can only pray. If they wish, they can always tell me and we can work on in together. But now i have grown wise and have decided to drop out now all those that just pretend to be with me and hold on only to those that are really there for me. I can’t keep sinking into lemons and complain its sour, I need to drop them so i can hold the apples more dearly…

I am the kind of person who would cry for a total strangers loss and help them if I could. this I believe is my humanity. Laugh if you want, cause I believe in humanity. If you don’t care it still doesn’t equate to no one cares. Someone always will, and that will be my solace…

Mock me if you want. but this is me all bared.