To ‘Once-upon-a-time’ friendship

Dear once-upon-a-time-best-friend,

It’s been quite a long time since we have been in touch. I remember our last conversation. You congratulating me on the gold medal, me accepting the wishes graciously. Very unlike us. I remember that night clear as day. Talk about paradox. I remember the days leading up to it quite clearly too. I remember writing that acceptance speech, trying to be all grown up. But the best part of that speech came the night before the graduation ceremony. When I tried to make up with you. But was met with empty corridors. The tears that night really burned a hole and the words were beautiful. I can never forgive you. And I know you do not seek it, do not even know the impact it had left on me. Well, you didn’t care. You never did. I shouldn’t have either. But I did. Foolish huh.

I know I was at fault. I had hurt your feelings. That is why I tried. But I guess it was too late by then. I am sorry for that. You do not know how much. But I am. Still. I wish I had done things differently. But the past is what it is. I can only work on my present and my future. I say this with all my heart that I hope I have matured since then. Although I don’t know for sure. One never knows. Until tested. And I hope I don’t get tested anytime soon. I am still fragile. Because I still can’t forgive you. This is the truth. I have learned to live with it running in the background, it has become part of the white noise inside my brain. But I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know if I ever will. Hence all the sad sob shares on social media. I try hard to make up for your absence in my life. Most times I don’t even care. But days like this leave me wistful.

Special days. I hate them the most. I like the monotony now. It’s comforting. Something I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear you being mentioned by our mutual friends, my heart skips a beat, I don’t always know how to react. So I choose the easy way, I ignore it. I still haven’t told my mom about us. She thinks we just drifted apart. Somehow it feels like if I tell another person about us, you will be forever lost. Somehow, someone else knowing we are no longer friends would make the fact concrete. As though it isn’t already so. I am such a fool sometimes.

I still miss you. I miss you most when I hear my new friends reminiscing about their college days like they were last night. I have no stories. Not anymore. I wish I could be part of theirs but I can’t. I am adrift. Sometimes I think it’s for the best. This way there is less chance of getting hurt or hurting others. I am especially cruel with people I love. Don’t ask how I got so screwed up. But I like running away from love. Just another damaged good. Let’s leave it at that. Nothing new. No use romanticizing this broken-ness. I have read enough posts to know how one can start loving this misery, this notion of being a victim. I at least have not stooped to that level. Tears still are a sign of weakness and if you can’t live your life just because of a mistake you made, you are pathetic. Tears are to be shed in the darkness of the night, only to be shared with your pillow. This is my notion of adulthood. Maybe because I look through a cracked glass. I like to know the other side of the story too.

I hope you are happy. You were always such a congenial person. I know life would be a breeze for you. Or I hope so. Anyway, happy friendship day to you and your friends. Late though I might be, my wishes for you are true.

From your once-upon-a-time-best-friend.

P.S – not really sure if I actually was your Best Friend or was it all just inside my head?!

Advertisements

loved and lost

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

“it always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

I remember reading these lines when I first read the book back in 2009 and tears welling up in my eyes… so beautiful… putting words to feeling that I never thought could be expressed.

Since then, I have often thought about these lines at several points in my life. But more so in recent times… whenever I think about that person in my life, someone who meant a lot and whose absence I feel most days when I find myself reminiscing. I have thought about my pain and how I would be without it. Would I be anything at all without my pain? It is the reason that I write. Do I want to lose it… I have had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. But somewhere inside me, this tiny seed of sadness has always been present. It is a very large part of who I am. If I lose it now, who would I be?

I remember a time when I couldn’t even look back anymore because it hurt so much. I haven’t forgiven them. I most probably never will. I have tried so hard to do that but I guess my heart just isn’t big enough and I am not a person who is kind enough. So, I learnt to forget them. I don’t remember them as much now. I have gathered the courage to look back and not be filled with anger.

I thought I hated them. But I loved them so much, I didn’t expect myself to get attached. I hated that I needed them. And hated them for making me feel so needy. I sometimes regret being so rash, for letting my insecurities control me. But now most of the times, rewinding that memory tape hundreds of time, playing out different scenarios in my head, I can’t come to a different conclusion. I just feel their absence.

I think about them. But I don’t hate them. I don’t blame them. Neither do I blame myself. If the silence has lasted this long, maybe this was meant to be. I have accepted that I can never go back. I don’t seem to have the energy to seek out and repair old relationships. I think I am slowly accepting that our paths have forked and now I don’t need their Friendships the way I did before. Friendship, that’s a hard word for me. Hard to use. Hard to share. And hard to be. Harder than love has ever been. It has meant a lot to me. It still holds so much value. And I am learning every day to let go of it.

Maybe this pain that I had held on to so hard for so long has gathered up its things and slipped out unannounced in the middle of my mundane everyday life’s chaos.

if you ever look back…

Not so smart after all… a small sentence. Containing a lifetime of regret.

It was a good life. Some of my best times. The memories… ahh.. sometimes they don’t let me breathe. I still look back. I still hurt. I still regret.

I try… so hard to stay away from anything which might bring back those memories… I fail. It doesn’t work most of the time. Mostly because I have no self-control. I miss…

I know I missed that window in time. I don’t even try anymore. I know I will never find that feeling again. I try to replace it with everything else in life. But I miss those bonds… I never wanted to become the person I am right now. I always wanted a separate identity… a backup when everything falls apart or maybe when I needed my space. I find myself having too much of it now… the blank hollow space…

Retrospective is a cruel thing. I wonder if I am the only one feeling this way… if you ever look back. Wanting things to mend itself. Go back to being that day dreamer that I was…

the ‘You and me’ kind of confession

Dear you,

I have come a long way. But your memories, our memories still bring pangs of agony. I read everywhere that we should learn to let go. Learn to know when to give up. Learn to know when it’s time to walk away.  I did it. I walked away. But I still look back. And I still hurt. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when you are just a name in the list of names I no longer care about. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see your face in random friend’s wall and feel no tightening of the chest.

We are really far away from each other. And somehow it gives me a sense of relief, that there is no chance, no probability of me ever bumping into you. Because I don’t know if I have forgotten you enough to not care what you think of me.

You know what the trouble is with losing a best friend? You not only lose that one person in your life you thought was never going to leave your side, you are left with a huge blank in your life. A gaping hole in your soul which used to be filled with all the happy memories and time spent with your best friend. It’s like starting fresh in life. Only difference is, now you no longer feel comfortable enough to bare your soul the way you did with your best friend. Now you no longer believe you can find someone who is ever going to understand you or accept you the way you are. Now you no longer have a friend to lean on or share your happiness with. The trouble with losing your only best friend is, you are now all alone and no one has your back. No one to massage oil in your hair every alternate night. No one to go crazy with over a boy crush. No one to watch Korean dramas all through the night. No one to help you cross the road. No one to drag you along to watch the same movie twice just so your best friend could sit next to her crush. No one to be with while you grow into your own kind of person. Now you have nothing to look back on and smile. Because your every memory is tainted. Because all your memories are connected to that one person you are no longer connected with.

me…

outside of my tiny well

dear you,
Before I jumped out of the well which was my whole world… I had a very different notion of who I was. I thought I knew what I wanted in life, nothing too specific, no big goals… just this burning desire to live an independent free life. A life where I wouldn’t have to depend on anyone to take my decisions. Of course now that I have seen the view outside of my well, I know no one ever truly is free.
And this life scares me…
me…

when to let love go…

Dear diary,
I think we as human, as people go through a lot of different struggles in our lives. Some of which are visible to others and for those visible struggles we can expect to receive support and encouragement and even respect from our near and dear ones. And then there are some struggles, going on inside us, hidden from everyone, invisible to all but us. A struggle which we as individuals have to deal with. Alone. It is those struggles that come to define us, of what kind of a person we turn out to be. We have to take a lot of hard decisions. And live with the consequences of those decisions. One of those hard decisions is… deciding to let go of the most favorite people in your life, because you realize that you are being a burden on them. That your friendship has become more of a baggage than a bonding of love and mutual liking.
I think I have taken a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Decisions which left ugly scars on both parties involved. I am a weak person. I am shallow, selfish and often foolish. I am short tempered and I take rash decisions which I later, much later, regret. I have taken a lot of bad decisions in my life, either by my actions or my in- actions. I have hurt people, people I love or loved, as a consequences of those decisions. And I have lived with that guilt, unable to share it with anyone. I think that is my punishment. To have to live with the knowledge that I was the reason for hurting people I loved so much. Maybe… I am unable to keep them because I don’t have a heart big enough.
I used to love them. I loved spending time with them, being with them. Some of my most beautiful memories are with them. But when I look back now… I took a horrible decision which spoilt all those memories. It was because of that decision that all my memories are now tainted with pain. When I look back now, it only hurts me. So the only way left is forward. I need to let go. And it’s so hard. To decide to forget, to decide to never look back. It hurts. To let go. Those sudden pangs of guilt that hits me when some random pictures of them show up on a mutual friend’s wall. To look at them and not feel anything, I wish that time comes soon.
I wonder what a kind person would do. Sometimes I feel so angry. But then I realize that it was after all my fault the way everything turned out. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios in my mind for that final meeting. None of them came true. What did happen was… I cried alone in an empty room for hours, unable to stop the tears… for the lose. Lose of love; lose of friendship, of the bonding we used to have. I used to think we were perfect. What we had was perfect. I thought that was how all friendships were supposed to be. I guess I was the only one thinking that. But anyway, I was happy to not have realized that it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was happy being oblivious. At least for a while.
I think, to date, I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of people in my life. But giving up on them… was is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I will do it. And do it with a smile. Because, I may not be a lot of things, but I am definitely brave. Or at least brave enough. To suffer the consequences of all the bad choices of my life.
I will forget them. I will let go. I will not hate them. I will just… distract myself long enough to move on. I won’t look back at the hurt and the fights. I will try. I will try to be a better person. For me. for them. They were beautiful. Those memories. I will learn to look past them.
Maybe… a few years down the line, I will not hurt like this. Maybe after a while this will seem like just another lesson. Maybe later, I will be able to look past the hurt and see the happiness I felt with them. Maybe I will learn to not let the pain quench the joy out of the moments which would forever be etched in my memory. Just maybe…
Me…

lost on the highway of life

It feels like I am at a bus stop. The wrong one. Because I can’t seem to be able to find the bus to get on to get to the place where I want to be. I seem to have lost my directions. Or did I figure it out all wrong?! Was this the place where I was supposed to be? Is this what life is all about. A series of compromise and a mutual agreement with life that I have had my share of happiness and my life henceforth is over. That all that’s left to do now is to just carry on. To just exist.