loved and lost

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

“it always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

I remember reading these lines when I first read the book back in 2009 and tears welling up in my eyes… so beautiful… putting words to feeling that I never thought could be expressed.

Since then, I have often thought about these lines at several points in my life. But more so in recent times… whenever I think about that person in my life, someone who meant a lot and whose absence I feel most days when I find myself reminiscing. I have thought about my pain and how I would be without it. Would I be anything at all without my pain? It is the reason that I write. Do I want to lose it… I have had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. But somewhere inside me, this tiny seed of sadness has always been present. It is a very large part of who I am. If I lose it now, who would I be?

I remember a time when I couldn’t even look back anymore because it hurt so much. I haven’t forgiven them. I most probably never will. I have tried so hard to do that but I guess my heart just isn’t big enough and I am not a person who is kind enough. So, I learnt to forget them. I don’t remember them as much now. I have gathered the courage to look back and not be filled with anger.

I thought I hated them. But I loved them so much, I didn’t expect myself to get attached. I hated that I needed them. And hated them for making me feel so needy. I sometimes regret being so rash, for letting my insecurities control me. But now most of the times, rewinding that memory tape hundreds of time, playing out different scenarios in my head, I can’t come to a different conclusion. I just feel their absence.

I think about them. But I don’t hate them. I don’t blame them. Neither do I blame myself. If the silence has lasted this long, maybe this was meant to be. I have accepted that I can never go back. I don’t seem to have the energy to seek out and repair old relationships. I think I am slowly accepting that our paths have forked and now I don’t need their Friendships the way I did before. Friendship, that’s a hard word for me. Hard to use. Hard to share. And hard to be. Harder than love has ever been. It has meant a lot to me. It still holds so much value. And I am learning every day to let go of it.

Maybe this pain that I had held on to so hard for so long has gathered up its things and slipped out unannounced in the middle of my mundane everyday life’s chaos.

if you ever look back…

Not so smart after all… a small sentence. Containing a lifetime of regret.

It was a good life. Some of my best times. The memories… ahh.. sometimes they don’t let me breathe. I still look back. I still hurt. I still regret.

I try… so hard to stay away from anything which might bring back those memories… I fail. It doesn’t work most of the time. Mostly because I have no self-control. I miss…

I know I missed that window in time. I don’t even try anymore. I know I will never find that feeling again. I try to replace it with everything else in life. But I miss those bonds… I never wanted to become the person I am right now. I always wanted a separate identity… a backup when everything falls apart or maybe when I needed my space. I find myself having too much of it now… the blank hollow space…

Retrospective is a cruel thing. I wonder if I am the only one feeling this way… if you ever look back. Wanting things to mend itself. Go back to being that day dreamer that I was…