Things that make me sad

​Not having the courage to heal a wound (mental of course!).

Not being able to let go of things (as in intangibles. So not things – feelings)

Memories I hold on to (inside my head – it’s like a 22ltrs bucket inside here)

I am not perfect. I have hurt a lot of people. And I have not been sorry for being cruel. I took pride in being heartless and detached and straight forward with my words. Maybe.. aahh fuck it. I know this is the reason I don’t have a lot of friends and why so many don’t like me. I still have difficulties accepting some of these facts. But I know I have problems I need to urgently work on. Losing my temper at the drop of a hat being one of them. Hurting close ones being another. Does skin problems also count? Skin is after all, the largest organ in human body (don’t correct me if I am wrong).

Anyway, I have read enough stories and articles to psycho-analyze, I am arrogant. I feel I am superior to others (I also feel inferior to others! Talk about paradox! Also happens to be my favourite word – paradox, irony, and oxymoron). I expect perfect grammar from people whose first language is not English (spelling… not so much). I pride myself on being secular. Not really. Deep down I know all of us are racist. I love putting people down. So these are my shortcomings. Oh yes. I almost forgot, lazy. And I almost almost! did not want to write gluttony. 

But I am still human (gluttony giving away the game here). Even if I fall under maybe the worst kinds, I do get hurt. As it happens to be, I think I might be hyper sensitive. Such a bad mental condition to have (not that having any mental condition is good). I wish there was a permanent solution to this problem. Like switching off the humanity switch in vampire diaries (YES! I did watch those series of never ending series!!!). I wish we had it in real life as well. Sometimes, I spout fountains of fugly emotions and I would very much like to turn that tap off. If only!! But I did read somewhere that it is coming to an end. Vampire Diaries of course, not me spouting nonsense.

So today this torrent/ tirade/ barrage of words are spilling from my fingers because it happens to be a special day. I wonder if I will ever ever grow up. I am so tired of this behavior of mine. Believe me. I almost want to kick myself in the head for behaving the way I do. But not quite. I have huge thighs so it’s not practically possible. Because, gluttony.

So what I am saying is, I maybe one messed up piece of shitty fish but I got a heart too (Humans can’t function without one it seems). And I do realize I have made mistakes and I don’t want to say sorry for them (go figure!). And words really are my true friends. That sentence was quite random, but I like it there. Make what you want of it. I have said my piece. Maybe now the stupid heart will rest in peace (or rather beat in peace). But only until it feels I have embarrassed myself enough to last a while. Did anyone catch that rhyming I got going there?

See you next time I embarrass myself in public. 

P.S – did I forget to mention the special occasion?

P.P.S – HARRY FREAKING POTTER FAN FOR LIFE!

P.P.P.S – is it really necessary? I could start a different article. But I did use a fuck in this one though. And I did use gluttony thrice in one article. It’s fast turning into my favourite word. Hmmm… 

P.P.P.P.S – this article was supposed to be about things that make me sad. What is this?

Me…

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She said it right. “HEARTBREAK IS THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND WE SING IT PROUDLY!!”

Another truth this new year. 😉
When I write I am always the victim. The truth is I always try to write stuff from the prospective of the other side of the story. And I was always so engrossed in looking the other way and trying to find why someone would do wrong, how someone who does wrong is also suffering, I forgot to look at the side where people actually get hurt. Mostly my stories are about some emotions I am feeling and writing kind of exaggerates it. I build up stories and maybe in some way try to prove to myself that I am not in the wrong or that, if I did something horrible it’s because I had a valid reason behind it. Reasons which no one could see and hence no one would ever understand. I always tried to find ways to play the victim. But the thing is I did hurt people. No matter what my intentions were, what my back story was. I am hurting people. I have hurt people. Because I was too stubborn to see the things as they were. Maybe because I thought I could never do anything wrong. I tried too much to romanticize every situation. And I got fed up of myself.
In reality I am a cruel person. Maybe it’s the only way I can hide my hyper-sensitivity. Maybe I am just not a good person. I don’t know. There is no excuse for being this way. I just don’t like appearing weak and needy. I hate asking for help, for favors, for anything which would put me in someone else’s debt. I hate owning the imaginary ‘IOUs’. I think everyone should just shut up about themselves and just bear their share of emotional burden and everything they think is wrong with the world.
The way I do it is through writing. I forget that not everyone is like me (And thank God for that!). Everyone vents out in different ways. They do not have the same outlet to vent frustration as me. And they don’t need to. My way is no ‘righter’ than their’s.
When I look back and go through stuffs that I wrote, I see that I am always the one being wronged. The fact is, I can, and no one can stop me from writing the way I want to, from being who I am, for feeling the way I feel. It might not be conventional, but it’s me. And I don’t care if they judge me. And in the same way, they too are right to use any means they find comfortable to share emotions. If they want to whine their heart out or if they want to keep it quiet and gulp down that shot. I am no one to judge them. I don’t know how to get over this judgmental attitude. Is just ignoring them the right way??!
I guess I am kind of obsessed with the right thing the right way and the right everything!
I forget that there is no one right way of doing stuff. I realize that I am not here to find the right or the wrong ways. It’s neither my responsibility nor my place to play moral police. I should learn to just live my own life the way I see fit and the way I enjoy it the most. What matters is the right way for me. I only want to be proud of myself, what I do and look myself in the mirror and love myself and sleep with peace at night.