To ‘Once-upon-a-time’ friendship

Dear once-upon-a-time-best-friend,

It’s been quite a long time since we have been in touch. I remember our last conversation. You congratulating me on the gold medal, me accepting the wishes graciously. Very unlike us. I remember that night clear as day. Talk about paradox. I remember the days leading up to it quite clearly too. I remember writing that acceptance speech, trying to be all grown up. But the best part of that speech came the night before the graduation ceremony. When I tried to make up with you. But was met with empty corridors. The tears that night really burned a hole and the words were beautiful. I can never forgive you. And I know you do not seek it, do not even know the impact it had left on me. Well, you didn’t care. You never did. I shouldn’t have either. But I did. Foolish huh.

I know I was at fault. I had hurt your feelings. That is why I tried. But I guess it was too late by then. I am sorry for that. You do not know how much. But I am. Still. I wish I had done things differently. But the past is what it is. I can only work on my present and my future. I say this with all my heart that I hope I have matured since then. Although I don’t know for sure. One never knows. Until tested. And I hope I don’t get tested anytime soon. I am still fragile. Because I still can’t forgive you. This is the truth. I have learned to live with it running in the background, it has become part of the white noise inside my brain. But I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know if I ever will. Hence all the sad sob shares on social media. I try hard to make up for your absence in my life. Most times I don’t even care. But days like this leave me wistful.

Special days. I hate them the most. I like the monotony now. It’s comforting. Something I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear you being mentioned by our mutual friends, my heart skips a beat, I don’t always know how to react. So I choose the easy way, I ignore it. I still haven’t told my mom about us. She thinks we just drifted apart. Somehow it feels like if I tell another person about us, you will be forever lost. Somehow, someone else knowing we are no longer friends would make the fact concrete. As though it isn’t already so. I am such a fool sometimes.

I still miss you. I miss you most when I hear my new friends reminiscing about their college days like they were last night. I have no stories. Not anymore. I wish I could be part of theirs but I can’t. I am adrift. Sometimes I think it’s for the best. This way there is less chance of getting hurt or hurting others. I am especially cruel with people I love. Don’t ask how I got so screwed up. But I like running away from love. Just another damaged good. Let’s leave it at that. Nothing new. No use romanticizing this broken-ness. I have read enough posts to know how one can start loving this misery, this notion of being a victim. I at least have not stooped to that level. Tears still are a sign of weakness and if you can’t live your life just because of a mistake you made, you are pathetic. Tears are to be shed in the darkness of the night, only to be shared with your pillow. This is my notion of adulthood. Maybe because I look through a cracked glass. I like to know the other side of the story too.

I hope you are happy. You were always such a congenial person. I know life would be a breeze for you. Or I hope so. Anyway, happy friendship day to you and your friends. Late though I might be, my wishes for you are true.

From your once-upon-a-time-best-friend.

P.S – not really sure if I actually was your Best Friend or was it all just inside my head?!

distance…

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Or does distance makes you grow accustom to the absence and move on to other things in life. How is it that long distance relationship doesn’t last in most cases? Every book I read tells me to follow my heart. So many novels written on how following your heart results in happy endings. What if I don’t know what my heart wants? What if I know what it wants and also that it is wrong. How do I go forward with that with a clear conscience? Without having to battle on a regular basis with my head on how doing what is considered unacceptable by the society is what my heart wants, to not be stop by the rules of the society.

I want to go so far away that these rules cannot follow me there, so that I don’t have to follow my life according to anyone else’s expectations. Bigger then my dreams are the expectations of others. I could have been anything but because my life is not just mine, I need to live it in a way which is expected of me. Although I know I am blessed to be so loved, it sometimes feels like a prison. A prison whose walls are made of love.

I don’t know if what I felt for him was real or just a kind of a summer fling. But I knew with a sure certainty that it would never lead to anything. He had his life. I had mine. There was no way where our lives could have had the possibility to merge. But life likes playing cruel jokes on us. So I met him, found out who he was, how much our thoughts were alike and also how we could never be together.

I still don’t know how he felt, if it was all real, if he felt the same about me or was I just caught up in a one sided love. But I know that our conversations were never boring. There wasn’t a moment when I felt monotony. Talking to him made me forget the time of the day. I knew I would never be bored with him. He made me forget that there were consequences to our actions. That I would have to pay in some way for the boundaries I was crossing. That my heart wasn’t as much in my control as I thought it was. That breaking away from him would cause so much heart ache.

I thought I could get out of it anytime I wanted. I had always been that way. Because I never gave the whole of me to anyone, it had never been hard for me to move on. Maybe I misjudged my opponent this time. For I found myself thinking about him and hurting in places I didn’t know was still inside me. I thought I had successfully turned myself into stone so that I wouldn’t have to get hurt again. But I guess I wasn’t very good at it from the start. I will just have to get used to being hypersensitive.

 

lines I like..

 

I can tell
I can tell how much you hate thins
And deep down inside
You know it’s killin’ me
I can call
Wish you well
And try to change this
But nothing I can say
Would change anything
Where were my senses
I left them all behind
Why did I turn away
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I’m not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It’s gonna be alright

Didn’t mean
Didn’t mean to leave you stranded
Went away ’cause I didn’t want to face the truth
Reachin’ out
Reach for me empty handed
You don’t know if I care you’re trying to find the proof
There were ties I’d wonder
Could I have eased your pain
Why did I turn away
Away

It’s gonna be alright
Save you
I wish I could save you

We can pretend nothing’s changed
Pretend it’s all the same
And there will be no pain tonight

kelly clarkson (save you)