When someone listens to you

I sometimes miss our conversation… That subtle flirting, the deep thought provoking ideas, the naïve notions of how the world worked, not being able to explain what you meant to me. There was a lot of mixed feelings at that point in time. I might have had a crush on your mind. Intellect has always been attractive to me.

Although I am not as enamored as I was once upon a time, I sometimes look back and see how you influenced me. I think I may have become better because of you. I wish every young adult gets a companion like you, however short that companionship might be. You opened me up to so many different views of the world. Because of you, my horizon expanded. Well, maybe not only you. I always was a bookworm. But you did make me ponder upon the idea of this world more, to speak out what was in my mind. Put words to the imagination in my head. After all these years, I still can’t put a finger on what our relationship was. I do know I am going to always try to be better because of what you taught me to be by being an example yourself. Now I know how much we need each other to listen to us. To question us. To make us explore the ignored. I am grateful for those conversations. You are where you need to be.
Thankyou for making me aware that no one can be classified into a stereotype created by the society. That everyone is an individual. Different from what you expect them to be at the first meet. Multifaceted individuals who will one day run the world. Thankyou for treating me like an adult when I was bent on acting like a child. For showing me that I had more potential than I had ever expected out of myself. Thankyou for listening, for pushing me into directions, I never would have gone otherwise. Thankyou for that.

in love with the wrong person

We don’t talk anymore. And I hate the way we have become strangers.

I look at everything as if through a looking glass… detached… and I see the mistakes I made which have brought me to the place I am in right now. I see now all the sequence of events which has led me to this place in life. And I know now that it is all because I wasn’t worthy of all that was given to me, the reason why I lost everything. He looks like a distant dream. Something my imagination had created out of thin air. He isn’t as perfect as I imagined him to be. He is not even near. But I still love him. I still can’t have him.

He was my inspiration. He was the reason I wrote. I don’t know since when it started, but now I couldn’t write unless I saw him… unless I had some sort of contact with him. I know it’s was wrong to feel this way about a man who could never be mine, but I couldn’t help it. I told myself several times that I didn’t really want him, that the way I felt for him was different, and that I didn’t want to have a defined relationship with him. But the truth was, I wanted it. I wanted all the things between us which were there in a serious relationship. I also knew it’s something which could never be possible. I was a girl in a committed relationship and I was happy in it. But I wanted more. I know it’s so selfish to even write it down, but I couldn’t hold it inside anymore.

It hits me like a tsunami. The waves of guilt drenching me. How did it happen? How did it start? What had I got myself into? How do I get out of it? Why on earth did I let this happen to me? So many questions hounding me… and I know, it’s all my fault.