Unexpected joys

I had a gift given to me by someone I once truly loved. It now stays with me as a reminder of the things I lost to pride. I carry it around with me everywhere, like an albatross around my neck. A proof of my guilt and sadness. I could easily have replaced it; I don’t know why I didn’t. I would have forever carried it around if not for the unexpected gift I received from an almost stranger. A surprise gift. Something I would have never got for myself inspite of having the resources to. I guess it is the masochistic side of my personality. Or maybe the frugal side. Who knows…  

The gift is beautiful. Handmade with love it says. Something I am always in need of. It asks me to believe. How apt. when I opened the parcel, not expecting it to fall to my lap, I felt my eyes sting. Another thing I cannot explain. Was it pain that made me carry it around for so long? Was it regret? But now I carry this new gift from an almost friend. And I smile every time I see “believe”. Maybe there is still time for redemption. Who knows…

To ‘Once-upon-a-time’ friendship

Dear once-upon-a-time-best-friend,

It’s been quite a long time since we have been in touch. I remember our last conversation. You congratulating me on the gold medal, me accepting the wishes graciously. Very unlike us. I remember that night clear as day. Talk about paradox. I remember the days leading up to it quite clearly too. I remember writing that acceptance speech, trying to be all grown up. But the best part of that speech came the night before the graduation ceremony. When I tried to make up with you. But was met with empty corridors. The tears that night really burned a hole and the words were beautiful. I can never forgive you. And I know you do not seek it, do not even know the impact it had left on me. Well, you didn’t care. You never did. I shouldn’t have either. But I did. Foolish huh.

I know I was at fault. I had hurt your feelings. That is why I tried. But I guess it was too late by then. I am sorry for that. You do not know how much. But I am. Still. I wish I had done things differently. But the past is what it is. I can only work on my present and my future. I say this with all my heart that I hope I have matured since then. Although I don’t know for sure. One never knows. Until tested. And I hope I don’t get tested anytime soon. I am still fragile. Because I still can’t forgive you. This is the truth. I have learned to live with it running in the background, it has become part of the white noise inside my brain. But I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know if I ever will. Hence all the sad sob shares on social media. I try hard to make up for your absence in my life. Most times I don’t even care. But days like this leave me wistful.

Special days. I hate them the most. I like the monotony now. It’s comforting. Something I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear you being mentioned by our mutual friends, my heart skips a beat, I don’t always know how to react. So I choose the easy way, I ignore it. I still haven’t told my mom about us. She thinks we just drifted apart. Somehow it feels like if I tell another person about us, you will be forever lost. Somehow, someone else knowing we are no longer friends would make the fact concrete. As though it isn’t already so. I am such a fool sometimes.

I still miss you. I miss you most when I hear my new friends reminiscing about their college days like they were last night. I have no stories. Not anymore. I wish I could be part of theirs but I can’t. I am adrift. Sometimes I think it’s for the best. This way there is less chance of getting hurt or hurting others. I am especially cruel with people I love. Don’t ask how I got so screwed up. But I like running away from love. Just another damaged good. Let’s leave it at that. Nothing new. No use romanticizing this broken-ness. I have read enough posts to know how one can start loving this misery, this notion of being a victim. I at least have not stooped to that level. Tears still are a sign of weakness and if you can’t live your life just because of a mistake you made, you are pathetic. Tears are to be shed in the darkness of the night, only to be shared with your pillow. This is my notion of adulthood. Maybe because I look through a cracked glass. I like to know the other side of the story too.

I hope you are happy. You were always such a congenial person. I know life would be a breeze for you. Or I hope so. Anyway, happy friendship day to you and your friends. Late though I might be, my wishes for you are true.

From your once-upon-a-time-best-friend.

P.S – not really sure if I actually was your Best Friend or was it all just inside my head?!

lines I like..

 

I can tell
I can tell how much you hate thins
And deep down inside
You know it’s killin’ me
I can call
Wish you well
And try to change this
But nothing I can say
Would change anything
Where were my senses
I left them all behind
Why did I turn away
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I’m not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It’s gonna be alright

Didn’t mean
Didn’t mean to leave you stranded
Went away ’cause I didn’t want to face the truth
Reachin’ out
Reach for me empty handed
You don’t know if I care you’re trying to find the proof
There were ties I’d wonder
Could I have eased your pain
Why did I turn away
Away

It’s gonna be alright
Save you
I wish I could save you

We can pretend nothing’s changed
Pretend it’s all the same
And there will be no pain tonight

kelly clarkson (save you)

warrior or victim…

I used to be a very stable person.. someone who got trusted a lot.. to do a lot of things… i didn’t suffer from  this emotional outbursts which has become a part of me now… mostly I kept to myself, never getting too involved in anything… books were all I had… and it was good. I used to look down on people being over dramatic… used to wonder why people went ahead and created their own problems and then cried over it. I never suffered from excess of anything. I had friends in the characters of my novels… I could be in the bed whole day dreaming up new characters… extending the story… Now, some how I feel I have lost that ability to dream up, like before… I was never the cunning, competitive, loud, attention seeking, backstabbing type… I guess time changes us… or maybe I was always like this, I just hadn’t realized it before now.

I never wanted anything too much… was more interested in learning others than in letting others know who I was… I used to think I was a traveler… moving from one place to another… gathering knowledge, experience, stories… I was never possessive or the jealous type… I had dreams… I just didn’t have a goal. I dreamt of flying away to some place where I wasn’t chained by boundaries set by the society… most of the time I just wished I was invisible. i wished I didn’t have the burden of other people’s expectation. of all the burdens, those are the hardest to bear. If I didn’t expect anything, in return nothing could be expected of me either right??! I just wanted to dissolve into the background of everything.

How did I change so much? For a really long time I thought I was strong. I didn’t know or maybe didn’t want to know the weaknesses I had hidden inside… I thought, if I could bottle up the hatred and hurt and convert it into something else… i would be invincible. But I couldn’t do it.

Emotion are harder to control then I thought. They creep up slowly, silently, without letting their presence be felt until its too late to let go of them. The only way to make up for the weaknesses in me, was to act the opposite of all I was. I had to be cruel, hard, unforgiving. I had to be Cold outside to compensate for being too sensitive inside.

We live in a harsh world. Isn’t that what everyone tells us?? I have seen it myself, what happens to people too weak to protect themselves, despised them. I cannot afford to let others know my weakness. It would give them too much power over me. Hadn’t I myself used that knowledge to the fullest, wherever possible. 

But somehow my guards weren’t as strong as I thought it was. I didn’t hide my feeling well enough or so it seems. I was doing it all wrong, some say. But I had lived too long this way to change now. I guess pretending it for that long, it just became a part of me… the cruelness and the unforgivingness in my nature.

I always thought myself to be more of a warrior than a victim. or was it the other way round. was I waiting to be rescued? a dame in despair… pathetic!! I thought I could control my future, or at-least my present. But there were just too many loopholes in my plan. I was never going to succeed anyway. Dreams are just that. Dreams…