when to let love go…

Dear diary,
I think we as human, as people go through a lot of different struggles in our lives. Some of which are visible to others and for those visible struggles we can expect to receive support and encouragement and even respect from our near and dear ones. And then there are some struggles, going on inside us, hidden from everyone, invisible to all but us. A struggle which we as individuals have to deal with. Alone. It is those struggles that come to define us, of what kind of a person we turn out to be. We have to take a lot of hard decisions. And live with the consequences of those decisions. One of those hard decisions is… deciding to let go of the most favorite people in your life, because you realize that you are being a burden on them. That your friendship has become more of a baggage than a bonding of love and mutual liking.
I think I have taken a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Decisions which left ugly scars on both parties involved. I am a weak person. I am shallow, selfish and often foolish. I am short tempered and I take rash decisions which I later, much later, regret. I have taken a lot of bad decisions in my life, either by my actions or my in- actions. I have hurt people, people I love or loved, as a consequences of those decisions. And I have lived with that guilt, unable to share it with anyone. I think that is my punishment. To have to live with the knowledge that I was the reason for hurting people I loved so much. Maybe… I am unable to keep them because I don’t have a heart big enough.
I used to love them. I loved spending time with them, being with them. Some of my most beautiful memories are with them. But when I look back now… I took a horrible decision which spoilt all those memories. It was because of that decision that all my memories are now tainted with pain. When I look back now, it only hurts me. So the only way left is forward. I need to let go. And it’s so hard. To decide to forget, to decide to never look back. It hurts. To let go. Those sudden pangs of guilt that hits me when some random pictures of them show up on a mutual friend’s wall. To look at them and not feel anything, I wish that time comes soon.
I wonder what a kind person would do. Sometimes I feel so angry. But then I realize that it was after all my fault the way everything turned out. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios in my mind for that final meeting. None of them came true. What did happen was… I cried alone in an empty room for hours, unable to stop the tears… for the lose. Lose of love; lose of friendship, of the bonding we used to have. I used to think we were perfect. What we had was perfect. I thought that was how all friendships were supposed to be. I guess I was the only one thinking that. But anyway, I was happy to not have realized that it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was happy being oblivious. At least for a while.
I think, to date, I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of people in my life. But giving up on them… was is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I will do it. And do it with a smile. Because, I may not be a lot of things, but I am definitely brave. Or at least brave enough. To suffer the consequences of all the bad choices of my life.
I will forget them. I will let go. I will not hate them. I will just… distract myself long enough to move on. I won’t look back at the hurt and the fights. I will try. I will try to be a better person. For me. for them. They were beautiful. Those memories. I will learn to look past them.
Maybe… a few years down the line, I will not hurt like this. Maybe after a while this will seem like just another lesson. Maybe later, I will be able to look past the hurt and see the happiness I felt with them. Maybe I will learn to not let the pain quench the joy out of the moments which would forever be etched in my memory. Just maybe…
Me…

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down memory lane…

I never wanted it. The gold medal or the top job or the status. I was just trying to fulfill someone else’s expectations… because I knew how much it hurt to break them. I remember the night my dad cried. I realized that day how much they loved us, and how we had failed to understand them. It was that night I decided to do everything to never let them go through that kind of pain again. It was also the reason I took some wrong decisions in my life, but I don’t regret them. They made me stronger, the kind of person who can stand on her own without waiting to please the whole world. At least I built an identity for myself. At least I couldn’t be someone who could be ignored. Oh I was hated enough. I never had any friends. I was too opinionated for them all. I guess I was different. And not scared to show it. In fact I was actually quite proud of it. Didn’t want to be the same as every other person in there. Peas in a pod, too scared to stand out.

I met a lot of people. Some left me, some I left. I was repelled by some of them and some of them made me cling to them even after it was too late to salvage our relationships. I don’t regret any of it. Because looking at it all now, from this point of view, I see how it all shaped me as I person. And although I am still not perfect or as strong as I would like to be, I have learned to never let someone else decide my faith. I have learned that some people are always going to disappoint you no matter how careful you are with your selections. No matter how hard you try to be just and true and sincere, there will be some people who will call you selfish and self centered. You just need to learn to tune them out of your life, let go of them as soon as possible, because they are capable of destroying every inch of you without any second thoughts. Some people will always be bitter and they will drag you down along with them. And there will be people who will support you through hell just because they believe in you. Those are the kind of people you need to learn to treasure. There won’t be many but they sure will be there. We just need to learn to recognise them. They will find us.

I have made a lot of mistakes. Who hasn’t? But as they say –“to be human is to be beautifully flawed”. I have accepted the flaws in me and learned to make the best out of it. Although I am still too filled with pride to ask forgiveness from all those people I have judged too harshly, I carry the burden without a sound, the same way I carry the burden of all the expectations attached to me. It might feel too unbearable at times, but it also reminds me of all the people out there who love me enough to trust me to never break their hearts. Like mine was…

breaking of the dam

Memories flood my mind. I clench my hand to stop the flow. I don’t have time to deal with them right now. I look at you and think… how can one person be able to dictate my heart in so many ways??! I can’t remember when it started or how it started. Just remember feeling helpless for the first time and desperation… to get out of the situation.

I am the kind of person who falls just as easily in love as I fall out of it. I have a short attention span and I lose interest pretty fast. Nothing holds my attention for long. You might think I’m a flake. You might be right. I wish I knew why if I am so flaky, am I not able to get over him. I have always been the kind of person who values freedom more than anything. More than relationships, more than love. There isn’t a time I didn’t want to be free from all the responsibilities which are holding me, responsibilities born out of love and relationships. There are some I can’t let go, some I don’t want to and some which were attached to me by my birth and the coincidence of geography…

Of course I know these relationships don’t just burden me with their responsibilities but it also brings with it love so pure, it hurts to be enfolded in it. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I have never given in control in the relationships I have formed outside of my family. I find it more of a burden, the cost overriding the benefits of having a boyfriend. I don’t want any more added baggage to my already heavy bag of responsibilities.

Then how is it that I lost control this time? Maybe I became overconfident in my abilities to keep my heart in check. Maybe I grew careless. Maybe it’s the effect of reading too much of Paulo Coelho. I should have never believed him. I always knew I couldn’t trust anyone other than myself. But this time, I wanted to… so badly.

Timing

I heard somewhere that every relationship depends on timing. Mine always seem to be happening at the wrong time…

Seeing you, even a glimpse of you… makes my heart flutter. I don’t like it and I don’t need it at this point in time. But stupid heart doesn’t listens. Why is it taking so much time to get over you?? To tell you the truth, I never let myself believe that I was ever in love with you. Maybe I wasn’t, maybe it was just a strong infatuation, maybe it was just a mistake caused because of forced companionship, and maybe it was just love… I remember all the time I spent wondering whether by letting you go without trying was the biggest mistake of my life. Whether I was surrendering a bit too soon… what if you were my soul mate, what if I was giving up too soon, what if… but then you didn’t even believe in soul mates…

I have got a stronger grip on my feeling now. Or maybe I just got better at hiding it. But still there is this crushing feeling every time I see you… is it because I still can’t fool my heart? When will I stop feeling this way about you?

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there…

adel said it all..

The real me… lost and found

Been so crazy for so long to believe in happy go lucky mantra, fell in love with it the first time I heard it and decided to follow it ever since, and don’t intend to stop just because a pissed off fellow tells me to, because I’ve never hurt people intentionally, asked forgiveness every time i felt i did someone wrong and meant it…

Forgave people who hurt me;of course with time, but completely. the shadows of past never dulled the happiness of meeting the people him/herself who caused the unhappiness… How many of you can tell honestly that you prayed for the people who hurt you? I do, every time my heart reeks with the betrayal of a dear one. whether the incident happened in the past or present…

Now, my relation is with god not with those who hurt me. but still, here i am justifying my actions to find love and acceptance in the heart of haters, can i care more?? perhaps i should care less.. because it hurts so much…

I may not have many real friends in life but those that i do i treasure them like diamonds. Perhaps some try to come close too, like i do, but i fail to notice their efforts like some fail to notice mine, them, I never hold a grudge against, after all we are all human and have our own preferences and hence hope for the same from those that get ignored by me. Forgive me for i am a bit of a loner not by choice but by nature. love the company of nature more and love to reflect, so… it happens . .

Always heard no matter how great a person is they always have someone who will hate them for some reason.. never wanted to believe it. call it self pity or self praise but yes i believe it now. After the many stabs of friends that cover my soul and all i felt was betrayal. I don’t expect all of you to understand how much it pains me to loose a friend or gain an enemy, but I do hope that those I hold close to my heart will at least attempt to understand. . . I hold no ill will for anyone. But if anyone does i can only pray. If they wish, they can always tell me and we can work on in together. But now i have grown wise and have decided to drop out now all those that just pretend to be with me and hold on only to those that are really there for me. I can’t keep sinking into lemons and complain its sour, I need to drop them so i can hold the apples more dearly…

I am the kind of person who would cry for a total strangers loss and help them if I could. this I believe is my humanity. Laugh if you want, cause I believe in humanity. If you don’t care it still doesn’t equate to no one cares. Someone always will, and that will be my solace…

Mock me if you want. but this is me all bared.