Through the looking glass


“you can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” – Colin, An abundance of Katherine.

Another special day. Ahh these memories… the way we hold on to it, even when we don’t want to. What would I be without them… I find my past self so naive, so self absorbed, so abundantly ​unashamed in sharing my soul, so unworldly. Lol.

I remember moments of that past, bits and pieces of that love. Never the whole thing, like remembering a dish I had eaten at a small restaurant in my hometown. The taste of it so delicious. But only in my memories. Like moments of Sunshine in a cold winter morning, bringing in flashbacks of summer days. Only strong enough to warm the memories.

Your memories sneaking out through my eyes. I lose you a little each time. Bittersweet as it is… I wish I could relive it one more time. That youthfulness and carefree days, I wish I could have a go at it again just so I could truly appreciate the experience.

I would know how further in the future our decisions​ follow us. However much you try to forget, regret has a way of leaving you hollowed.

The memory of that phone call. What proof do I have that it ever took place at all.. only a few lines written on a post lost in the jungle of information that is internet.

loved and lost

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

“it always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.”
― Khaled HosseiniThe Kite Runner

 

I remember reading these lines when I first read the book back in 2009 and tears welling up in my eyes… so beautiful… putting words to feeling that I never thought could be expressed.

Since then, I have often thought about these lines at several points in my life. But more so in recent times… whenever I think about that person in my life, someone who meant a lot and whose absence I feel most days when I find myself reminiscing. I have thought about my pain and how I would be without it. Would I be anything at all without my pain? It is the reason that I write. Do I want to lose it… I have had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. But somewhere inside me, this tiny seed of sadness has always been present. It is a very large part of who I am. If I lose it now, who would I be?

I remember a time when I couldn’t even look back anymore because it hurt so much. I haven’t forgiven them. I most probably never will. I have tried so hard to do that but I guess my heart just isn’t big enough and I am not a person who is kind enough. So, I learnt to forget them. I don’t remember them as much now. I have gathered the courage to look back and not be filled with anger.

I thought I hated them. But I loved them so much, I didn’t expect myself to get attached. I hated that I needed them. And hated them for making me feel so needy. I sometimes regret being so rash, for letting my insecurities control me. But now most of the times, rewinding that memory tape hundreds of time, playing out different scenarios in my head, I can’t come to a different conclusion. I just feel their absence.

I think about them. But I don’t hate them. I don’t blame them. Neither do I blame myself. If the silence has lasted this long, maybe this was meant to be. I have accepted that I can never go back. I don’t seem to have the energy to seek out and repair old relationships. I think I am slowly accepting that our paths have forked and now I don’t need their Friendships the way I did before. Friendship, that’s a hard word for me. Hard to use. Hard to share. And hard to be. Harder than love has ever been. It has meant a lot to me. It still holds so much value. And I am learning every day to let go of it.

Maybe this pain that I had held on to so hard for so long has gathered up its things and slipped out unannounced in the middle of my mundane everyday life’s chaos.

NO NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS 2015

I usually never make new year resolutions. I know I am too fickle to follow anything for a whole year! Being fickle and having a short attention span is one thing I am consistent with. The only thing maybe.
So this new year of 2015, I thought, why not instead of making a “what I will do“resolutions which mostly probably hardly lasts a week at most, I’d start with a little bit of truth. 
I love Taylor Swift songs! Almost all of them. I don’t know about the person but her songs and her lyrics are awesome. She is talented and I constantly listen to her new 1989 album. In fact that’s the only album playing in my playlist since I downloaded it!
Yup that was it! My guilty pleasure! Lol! Even though I act all cool and tough and indifferent in the real world, inside I am a super romantic, romance loving, pink loving, girly girl. And I love heartbreaks! Stories, songs, quotes, everything love related. I relate with them or I imagine identifying with them probably!

when to let love go…

Dear diary,
I think we as human, as people go through a lot of different struggles in our lives. Some of which are visible to others and for those visible struggles we can expect to receive support and encouragement and even respect from our near and dear ones. And then there are some struggles, going on inside us, hidden from everyone, invisible to all but us. A struggle which we as individuals have to deal with. Alone. It is those struggles that come to define us, of what kind of a person we turn out to be. We have to take a lot of hard decisions. And live with the consequences of those decisions. One of those hard decisions is… deciding to let go of the most favorite people in your life, because you realize that you are being a burden on them. That your friendship has become more of a baggage than a bonding of love and mutual liking.
I think I have taken a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Decisions which left ugly scars on both parties involved. I am a weak person. I am shallow, selfish and often foolish. I am short tempered and I take rash decisions which I later, much later, regret. I have taken a lot of bad decisions in my life, either by my actions or my in- actions. I have hurt people, people I love or loved, as a consequences of those decisions. And I have lived with that guilt, unable to share it with anyone. I think that is my punishment. To have to live with the knowledge that I was the reason for hurting people I loved so much. Maybe… I am unable to keep them because I don’t have a heart big enough.
I used to love them. I loved spending time with them, being with them. Some of my most beautiful memories are with them. But when I look back now… I took a horrible decision which spoilt all those memories. It was because of that decision that all my memories are now tainted with pain. When I look back now, it only hurts me. So the only way left is forward. I need to let go. And it’s so hard. To decide to forget, to decide to never look back. It hurts. To let go. Those sudden pangs of guilt that hits me when some random pictures of them show up on a mutual friend’s wall. To look at them and not feel anything, I wish that time comes soon.
I wonder what a kind person would do. Sometimes I feel so angry. But then I realize that it was after all my fault the way everything turned out. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios in my mind for that final meeting. None of them came true. What did happen was… I cried alone in an empty room for hours, unable to stop the tears… for the lose. Lose of love; lose of friendship, of the bonding we used to have. I used to think we were perfect. What we had was perfect. I thought that was how all friendships were supposed to be. I guess I was the only one thinking that. But anyway, I was happy to not have realized that it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was happy being oblivious. At least for a while.
I think, to date, I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of people in my life. But giving up on them… was is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I will do it. And do it with a smile. Because, I may not be a lot of things, but I am definitely brave. Or at least brave enough. To suffer the consequences of all the bad choices of my life.
I will forget them. I will let go. I will not hate them. I will just… distract myself long enough to move on. I won’t look back at the hurt and the fights. I will try. I will try to be a better person. For me. for them. They were beautiful. Those memories. I will learn to look past them.
Maybe… a few years down the line, I will not hurt like this. Maybe after a while this will seem like just another lesson. Maybe later, I will be able to look past the hurt and see the happiness I felt with them. Maybe I will learn to not let the pain quench the joy out of the moments which would forever be etched in my memory. Just maybe…
Me…

story of me

They say, the best stories are the ones with little bit of truth in them. a little bit of the soul of the writer. I haven’t had the most extraordinary of lives… But there have been a lot of things I am always going to be grateful for. So this is my story. The reason that I write.
I know lose is a part of life. The way we deal with them makes us who we are. I can share happiness… it’s the sadness that I am partial about. I guess it’s the reason I am often labeled selfish. I know I am a hypersensitive person and there aren’t many ways for me to hide or overcome this defect in my character. Before reading the autobiography of Thrity Umrigar, an Indian parsi author, I never realized that I wasn’t an abnormality. That there were people out there who felt the way I did.
I lived in a small place, far out of reach of the world that I had started living in inside my head. I wanted to be part of that world, be part of her story, I wanted to ride the B.E.S.T bus with her, wanted to pull down my socks and hike up my skirt with her, I wanted to be the person buying story books with her. But we lived in different places and more importantly in different time era. But she was my inspiration. She was my friend, someone who understood me, someone who went through the same things that I went through, someone who realized that love could become a cage from which it would forever be difficult to fly away… someone who knew that letting go first, took so much courage. She felt like a soul sister I had from a different dimension. Through her story, I got hope… that future wasn’t as bleak as it looked, that there was a much wider world out there, and people who understood us, where we wouldn’t have to live like misfits, where we would be accepted for who we were and we didn’t have to hide behind the curtains of fake controlled smiles, that there was a way to experience the world from that small window of hope… books.
So I wrote. To be able to turn sorrows into stories. To be able to read them and let go of them. everytime reality got too hurtful I took refuge in the world of stories. Everytime the world got too sarcastic and mean, I turned to them again. Until it felt like the stories in those pages were more real than the real life passing me by. I tried to build a mask. To stop the pain from seeping out into all my relations. But damaged goods cannot be repaired, can never be brand new. The cracks were always going to show. I tried to hide it. tried to make up for it. but the truth is, the world always knows your weak points. And life always teaches the same lessons until we learn to learn from them. so when reality finally struck, and relations I thought most important to me couldn’t withstand the burden of my past, I had to lose them all…
They say love can overcome everything. I have been in love. And I ended up breaking them, destroying them. So now, Love scared me. I didn’t want to be a monster anymore. I closed all the windows to it. Because I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. I was tired of pulling everyone down with me, to that scary dark pit where hope had very little light. I didn’t want people who loved me, to face those demons I had to deal with on a regular basis. I was scared… that they wouldn’t love me if they knew the real me, if they found out how broken and beyond repair I was. I was scared that they would give up on me if they found out how far gone I was. So I gave up first. I left them before they could ever leave me. I was a young scared child in a grown person’s body. And nobody understood it, nobody had a clue about it. Cause I had managed to fool them all. I guess I was successful in building that mask I always wanted.
Until one day, when love decided to walk into my life, breaking down doors and pushing through the darkness of my soul. A love, which made me lose control and forced me to show my real self. Love which made me realize, I was holding on to too many things. Love, that made me realize that my heart had enough space for love but none for all that guilt. It made me realize that if I ever wanted to move forward in life, I had to first forgive myself. Those people I had hurt had long since forgotten me. They had moved way ahead in life… that I was only a distant memory, a small character in their story. But for me, the guilt kept the wounds fresh. It occupied and colored all my memories with hurt. Sometimes it filled all my waking hours with nightmares. Consciousness suffocated me. Sleep was my only escape.
But this beautiful love took me by the storm and left me without the support of the mask I had always held on to. It forced me to face my demons and overcome them. it made me realize that my hypersensitivity wasn’t a curse. That I was strong enough, capable enough to love and be loved. That I was held back by chains I had built myself. that the mask I had thought was my fortress had become my cage. And I only had to be strong enough to let it crumble. I realized that all I had to do was ask for forgiveness, that I didn’t have to suffer in silence. That sharing my hurt was going to enable me to let it go finally. So I did it. And with each story that I told, I felt the tightness in my heart loosening. The lump in my throat melting and love filling up my soul and hope glittering like diamonds. The grip of guilt finally letting go of me. at last freeing my soul.
This is me all barred. Judge me if you must. But I learnt all these lessons and I survived it all. And don’t they say? What doesn’t kills you make you stronger! I am better than I was. I will be better than I am. I promise.

letting go…

Dear you, I see your life going by just fine without me. You don’t feel my absence. You don’t feel my presence either. And that hurts. To be invisible. I know I am a difficult person to be with, but after all this time I thought you at least understood me, if not accept the way I am. I cried on the night of my birthday because although you feel your words don’t hurt me, maybe cause I don’t react, it hurts so much. Words which were so simple to say… showed the true feelings you had for me. Maybe I am hyper sensitive, but I am not a fool. Maybe I am reserved, arrogant, upfront to the point of cruelity but at least I am not fake. I thought that was the most important thing to have in a relationship. At least you always knew where you stood with me. At least you didn’t have to worry what I actually thought about you. But of course, I couldn’t expect the same thing from you. You have no idea how much you hurt me. But I guess it’s ok now. I have learned another lesson in life. I always was slow in this respect. I never could stop expecting you to understand me. I have tried a lot to not show my anger and disappointment to you. And I guess I was successful. Because when you complain about all the things I do to you, you never stop to think that you are doing the exact same things to me. I do it to show you what you make me go through. And the things I do for you without any complaints. Unlike you, I never make a show of everything I do for you. But you don’t realize that. Why would you? After all I am always the bad guy aren’t I? I always put you before everyone else. Even before all the other people who loved me more than you, and even accepted me for who I am. Now I see how clingy I must have been. How desperate to gain your approval. And I never thought I would fall this low. Although I always got less than I gave, I never once thought about it, because I thought it was wrong to do so, that I was being selfish, because I thought relationships like ours weren’t based on a give and take rules. But I do now. I see all the time, you brought my spirit down, made me feel like a loser, made me feel guilty, and I chose to ignore every one of those moments, because I thought I was being hyper as usual. But I too have a limit. I guess I had bottled it all inside and now the bottle is too full to be ignored anymore. I have decided to give up on you. I have decided to not follow you anymore, to let you go at last. I am done with all the hurt and the silent tears. I won’t hate you. You are not worthy of it. I guess I will just forget you. You never needed me anyway. Me…

breaking of the dam

Memories flood my mind. I clench my hand to stop the flow. I don’t have time to deal with them right now. I look at you and think… how can one person be able to dictate my heart in so many ways??! I can’t remember when it started or how it started. Just remember feeling helpless for the first time and desperation… to get out of the situation.

I am the kind of person who falls just as easily in love as I fall out of it. I have a short attention span and I lose interest pretty fast. Nothing holds my attention for long. You might think I’m a flake. You might be right. I wish I knew why if I am so flaky, am I not able to get over him. I have always been the kind of person who values freedom more than anything. More than relationships, more than love. There isn’t a time I didn’t want to be free from all the responsibilities which are holding me, responsibilities born out of love and relationships. There are some I can’t let go, some I don’t want to and some which were attached to me by my birth and the coincidence of geography…

Of course I know these relationships don’t just burden me with their responsibilities but it also brings with it love so pure, it hurts to be enfolded in it. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I have never given in control in the relationships I have formed outside of my family. I find it more of a burden, the cost overriding the benefits of having a boyfriend. I don’t want any more added baggage to my already heavy bag of responsibilities.

Then how is it that I lost control this time? Maybe I became overconfident in my abilities to keep my heart in check. Maybe I grew careless. Maybe it’s the effect of reading too much of Paulo Coelho. I should have never believed him. I always knew I couldn’t trust anyone other than myself. But this time, I wanted to… so badly.