Through the looking glass


“you can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” – Colin, An abundance of Katherine.

Another special day. Ahh these memories… the way we hold on to it, even when we don’t want to. What would I be without them… I find my past self so naive, so self absorbed, so abundantly ​unashamed in sharing my soul, so unworldly. Lol.

I remember moments of that past, bits and pieces of that love. Never the whole thing, like remembering a dish I had eaten at a small restaurant in my hometown. The taste of it so delicious. But only in my memories. Like moments of Sunshine in a cold winter morning, bringing in flashbacks of summer days. Only strong enough to warm the memories.

Your memories sneaking out through my eyes. I lose you a little each time. Bittersweet as it is… I wish I could relive it one more time. That youthfulness and carefree days, I wish I could have a go at it again just so I could truly appreciate the experience.

I would know how further in the future our decisions​ follow us. However much you try to forget, regret has a way of leaving you hollowed.

The memory of that phone call. What proof do I have that it ever took place at all.. only a few lines written on a post lost in the jungle of information that is internet.

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To ‘Once-upon-a-time’ friendship

Dear once-upon-a-time-best-friend,

It’s been quite a long time since we have been in touch. I remember our last conversation. You congratulating me on the gold medal, me accepting the wishes graciously. Very unlike us. I remember that night clear as day. Talk about paradox. I remember the days leading up to it quite clearly too. I remember writing that acceptance speech, trying to be all grown up. But the best part of that speech came the night before the graduation ceremony. When I tried to make up with you. But was met with empty corridors. The tears that night really burned a hole and the words were beautiful. I can never forgive you. And I know you do not seek it, do not even know the impact it had left on me. Well, you didn’t care. You never did. I shouldn’t have either. But I did. Foolish huh.

I know I was at fault. I had hurt your feelings. That is why I tried. But I guess it was too late by then. I am sorry for that. You do not know how much. But I am. Still. I wish I had done things differently. But the past is what it is. I can only work on my present and my future. I say this with all my heart that I hope I have matured since then. Although I don’t know for sure. One never knows. Until tested. And I hope I don’t get tested anytime soon. I am still fragile. Because I still can’t forgive you. This is the truth. I have learned to live with it running in the background, it has become part of the white noise inside my brain. But I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know if I ever will. Hence all the sad sob shares on social media. I try hard to make up for your absence in my life. Most times I don’t even care. But days like this leave me wistful.

Special days. I hate them the most. I like the monotony now. It’s comforting. Something I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear you being mentioned by our mutual friends, my heart skips a beat, I don’t always know how to react. So I choose the easy way, I ignore it. I still haven’t told my mom about us. She thinks we just drifted apart. Somehow it feels like if I tell another person about us, you will be forever lost. Somehow, someone else knowing we are no longer friends would make the fact concrete. As though it isn’t already so. I am such a fool sometimes.

I still miss you. I miss you most when I hear my new friends reminiscing about their college days like they were last night. I have no stories. Not anymore. I wish I could be part of theirs but I can’t. I am adrift. Sometimes I think it’s for the best. This way there is less chance of getting hurt or hurting others. I am especially cruel with people I love. Don’t ask how I got so screwed up. But I like running away from love. Just another damaged good. Let’s leave it at that. Nothing new. No use romanticizing this broken-ness. I have read enough posts to know how one can start loving this misery, this notion of being a victim. I at least have not stooped to that level. Tears still are a sign of weakness and if you can’t live your life just because of a mistake you made, you are pathetic. Tears are to be shed in the darkness of the night, only to be shared with your pillow. This is my notion of adulthood. Maybe because I look through a cracked glass. I like to know the other side of the story too.

I hope you are happy. You were always such a congenial person. I know life would be a breeze for you. Or I hope so. Anyway, happy friendship day to you and your friends. Late though I might be, my wishes for you are true.

From your once-upon-a-time-best-friend.

P.S – not really sure if I actually was your Best Friend or was it all just inside my head?!

when to let love go…

Dear diary,
I think we as human, as people go through a lot of different struggles in our lives. Some of which are visible to others and for those visible struggles we can expect to receive support and encouragement and even respect from our near and dear ones. And then there are some struggles, going on inside us, hidden from everyone, invisible to all but us. A struggle which we as individuals have to deal with. Alone. It is those struggles that come to define us, of what kind of a person we turn out to be. We have to take a lot of hard decisions. And live with the consequences of those decisions. One of those hard decisions is… deciding to let go of the most favorite people in your life, because you realize that you are being a burden on them. That your friendship has become more of a baggage than a bonding of love and mutual liking.
I think I have taken a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Decisions which left ugly scars on both parties involved. I am a weak person. I am shallow, selfish and often foolish. I am short tempered and I take rash decisions which I later, much later, regret. I have taken a lot of bad decisions in my life, either by my actions or my in- actions. I have hurt people, people I love or loved, as a consequences of those decisions. And I have lived with that guilt, unable to share it with anyone. I think that is my punishment. To have to live with the knowledge that I was the reason for hurting people I loved so much. Maybe… I am unable to keep them because I don’t have a heart big enough.
I used to love them. I loved spending time with them, being with them. Some of my most beautiful memories are with them. But when I look back now… I took a horrible decision which spoilt all those memories. It was because of that decision that all my memories are now tainted with pain. When I look back now, it only hurts me. So the only way left is forward. I need to let go. And it’s so hard. To decide to forget, to decide to never look back. It hurts. To let go. Those sudden pangs of guilt that hits me when some random pictures of them show up on a mutual friend’s wall. To look at them and not feel anything, I wish that time comes soon.
I wonder what a kind person would do. Sometimes I feel so angry. But then I realize that it was after all my fault the way everything turned out. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios in my mind for that final meeting. None of them came true. What did happen was… I cried alone in an empty room for hours, unable to stop the tears… for the lose. Lose of love; lose of friendship, of the bonding we used to have. I used to think we were perfect. What we had was perfect. I thought that was how all friendships were supposed to be. I guess I was the only one thinking that. But anyway, I was happy to not have realized that it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was happy being oblivious. At least for a while.
I think, to date, I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of people in my life. But giving up on them… was is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I will do it. And do it with a smile. Because, I may not be a lot of things, but I am definitely brave. Or at least brave enough. To suffer the consequences of all the bad choices of my life.
I will forget them. I will let go. I will not hate them. I will just… distract myself long enough to move on. I won’t look back at the hurt and the fights. I will try. I will try to be a better person. For me. for them. They were beautiful. Those memories. I will learn to look past them.
Maybe… a few years down the line, I will not hurt like this. Maybe after a while this will seem like just another lesson. Maybe later, I will be able to look past the hurt and see the happiness I felt with them. Maybe I will learn to not let the pain quench the joy out of the moments which would forever be etched in my memory. Just maybe…
Me…

lost on the highway of life

It feels like I am at a bus stop. The wrong one. Because I can’t seem to be able to find the bus to get on to get to the place where I want to be. I seem to have lost my directions. Or did I figure it out all wrong?! Was this the place where I was supposed to be? Is this what life is all about. A series of compromise and a mutual agreement with life that I have had my share of happiness and my life henceforth is over. That all that’s left to do now is to just carry on. To just exist.

The real me… lost and found

Been so crazy for so long to believe in happy go lucky mantra, fell in love with it the first time I heard it and decided to follow it ever since, and don’t intend to stop just because a pissed off fellow tells me to, because I’ve never hurt people intentionally, asked forgiveness every time i felt i did someone wrong and meant it…

Forgave people who hurt me;of course with time, but completely. the shadows of past never dulled the happiness of meeting the people him/herself who caused the unhappiness… How many of you can tell honestly that you prayed for the people who hurt you? I do, every time my heart reeks with the betrayal of a dear one. whether the incident happened in the past or present…

Now, my relation is with god not with those who hurt me. but still, here i am justifying my actions to find love and acceptance in the heart of haters, can i care more?? perhaps i should care less.. because it hurts so much…

I may not have many real friends in life but those that i do i treasure them like diamonds. Perhaps some try to come close too, like i do, but i fail to notice their efforts like some fail to notice mine, them, I never hold a grudge against, after all we are all human and have our own preferences and hence hope for the same from those that get ignored by me. Forgive me for i am a bit of a loner not by choice but by nature. love the company of nature more and love to reflect, so… it happens . .

Always heard no matter how great a person is they always have someone who will hate them for some reason.. never wanted to believe it. call it self pity or self praise but yes i believe it now. After the many stabs of friends that cover my soul and all i felt was betrayal. I don’t expect all of you to understand how much it pains me to loose a friend or gain an enemy, but I do hope that those I hold close to my heart will at least attempt to understand. . . I hold no ill will for anyone. But if anyone does i can only pray. If they wish, they can always tell me and we can work on in together. But now i have grown wise and have decided to drop out now all those that just pretend to be with me and hold on only to those that are really there for me. I can’t keep sinking into lemons and complain its sour, I need to drop them so i can hold the apples more dearly…

I am the kind of person who would cry for a total strangers loss and help them if I could. this I believe is my humanity. Laugh if you want, cause I believe in humanity. If you don’t care it still doesn’t equate to no one cares. Someone always will, and that will be my solace…

Mock me if you want. but this is me all bared.