Sadness in retrospect

These are not memories I think about often. But when you are in the mood for retrospective, the odd bits flash across your mind. I tend to remember sadness in exaggerated colours. That’s my flaw. I remember the tones, the fall in the pit of my stomach, the tightening of my throat. The feelings.

I don’t like thinking about it all. But maybe I am drawn to it. The romaticization of it. It’s so much easier to write about sadness. The hollow in your heart, the doors you keep close all the time. It leaks though. Doesn’t it? The pain.

I am not a forgiving person. The bad bits just keep floating around my head. So, I can’t forgive or forget. I don’t do it on purpose. But maybe I like collecting them. A bit like a memory keeper aren’t I? Makes you think, what made this person tick this way…

I have been harsh to so many people, I don’t know why it surprises me when they are harsh to me too. My teacher once told me, the best way to not be disappointed is to not have any expectations. But it’s pretty hard. The not expecting bit. You don’t know what you start expecting from people until they disappoint you. And then you are to blame for setting them up the way you did in your mind.

To quote Taylor Swift, “people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out”. So what do I do to get over such people and such memories? No easy way out. Can’t flush them into the void. Got to wait for it to fade. And hope that your memory isn’t as long as you think. Hope that you make enough memories to replace the bad ones. Hope that they are powerful enough to push the bad ones out of your head.Me… 

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Unexpected joys

I had a gift given to me by someone I once truly loved. It now stays with me as a reminder of the things I lost to pride. I carry it around with me everywhere, like an albatross around my neck. A proof of my guilt and sadness. I could easily have replaced it; I don’t know why I didn’t. I would have forever carried it around if not for the unexpected gift I received from an almost stranger. A surprise gift. Something I would have never got for myself inspite of having the resources to. I guess it is the masochistic side of my personality. Or maybe the frugal side. Who knows…  

The gift is beautiful. Handmade with love it says. Something I am always in need of. It asks me to believe. How apt. when I opened the parcel, not expecting it to fall to my lap, I felt my eyes sting. Another thing I cannot explain. Was it pain that made me carry it around for so long? Was it regret? But now I carry this new gift from an almost friend. And I smile every time I see “believe”. Maybe there is still time for redemption. Who knows…

Things that make me sad

​Not having the courage to heal a wound (mental of course!).

Not being able to let go of things (as in intangibles. So not things – feelings)

Memories I hold on to (inside my head – it’s like a 22ltrs bucket inside here)

I am not perfect. I have hurt a lot of people. And I have not been sorry for being cruel. I took pride in being heartless and detached and straight forward with my words. Maybe.. aahh fuck it. I know this is the reason I don’t have a lot of friends and why so many don’t like me. I still have difficulties accepting some of these facts. But I know I have problems I need to urgently work on. Losing my temper at the drop of a hat being one of them. Hurting close ones being another. Does skin problems also count? Skin is after all, the largest organ in human body (don’t correct me if I am wrong).

Anyway, I have read enough stories and articles to psycho-analyze, I am arrogant. I feel I am superior to others (I also feel inferior to others! Talk about paradox! Also happens to be my favourite word – paradox, irony, and oxymoron). I expect perfect grammar from people whose first language is not English (spelling… not so much). I pride myself on being secular. Not really. Deep down I know all of us are racist. I love putting people down. So these are my shortcomings. Oh yes. I almost forgot, lazy. And I almost almost! did not want to write gluttony. 

But I am still human (gluttony giving away the game here). Even if I fall under maybe the worst kinds, I do get hurt. As it happens to be, I think I might be hyper sensitive. Such a bad mental condition to have (not that having any mental condition is good). I wish there was a permanent solution to this problem. Like switching off the humanity switch in vampire diaries (YES! I did watch those series of never ending series!!!). I wish we had it in real life as well. Sometimes, I spout fountains of fugly emotions and I would very much like to turn that tap off. If only!! But I did read somewhere that it is coming to an end. Vampire Diaries of course, not me spouting nonsense.

So today this torrent/ tirade/ barrage of words are spilling from my fingers because it happens to be a special day. I wonder if I will ever ever grow up. I am so tired of this behavior of mine. Believe me. I almost want to kick myself in the head for behaving the way I do. But not quite. I have huge thighs so it’s not practically possible. Because, gluttony.

So what I am saying is, I maybe one messed up piece of shitty fish but I got a heart too (Humans can’t function without one it seems). And I do realize I have made mistakes and I don’t want to say sorry for them (go figure!). And words really are my true friends. That sentence was quite random, but I like it there. Make what you want of it. I have said my piece. Maybe now the stupid heart will rest in peace (or rather beat in peace). But only until it feels I have embarrassed myself enough to last a while. Did anyone catch that rhyming I got going there?

See you next time I embarrass myself in public. 

P.S – did I forget to mention the special occasion?

P.P.S – HARRY FREAKING POTTER FAN FOR LIFE!

P.P.P.S – is it really necessary? I could start a different article. But I did use a fuck in this one though. And I did use gluttony thrice in one article. It’s fast turning into my favourite word. Hmmm… 

P.P.P.P.S – this article was supposed to be about things that make me sad. What is this?

Me…

whining of an introvert

Ahhh… I am frustrated. Every time I try to get offended or hate them for their hurtful comments, the logical side of me jumps in and says, “But you did display those behaviors!” The arguments she presents to claim that I am the most selfish being on planet Earth is actually valid. From her point of view, I am insensitive, rude, inconsiderate, stubborn, uncaring and even evil maybe. And to tell you the truth… I am all of that and then some more. But she doesn’t understand the struggles that I go through. I know her’s are much bigger than mine but still… aren’t mine worth anything? At all???
I don’t talk back much. But when I do I tend to end up hurting other people’s sentiment. So I try to control those outbursts of angry emotions. But there is only so much a small hearted person like me could take in. The strange thing is… no one seems to remember all the time that I stay shut and listen to all the accusations they pass out. They only seem to remember the times I can’t control and blurt out stuffs that I actually feel. But I realized just now, that I am not allowed to do that. I need to keep it all inside and show others only the happy side. Even in front of people I consider my own. I am not allowed to be sad or angry or emotional. I just need to be happy. That’s all anyone wants to see. That’s all that’s expected of me. Be a happy pretender. No one’s interested in your sadness… You have too much in life; what on earth could you be complaining about?! You are not allowed to have mood swings. No one wants that. You just need to act happy whatever the hell you feel inside.
Huh… or it all might be just inside my head. Maybe I am the one who’s a spoilt brat. Maybe I am too messed up to handle people the right way. And as I read what I wrote, I too just see the miserable whining of a girl who has too much in life.