Through the looking glass


“you can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” – Colin, An abundance of Katherine.

Another special day. Ahh these memories… the way we hold on to it, even when we don’t want to. What would I be without them… I find my past self so naive, so self absorbed, so abundantly ​unashamed in sharing my soul, so unworldly. Lol.

I remember moments of that past, bits and pieces of that love. Never the whole thing, like remembering a dish I had eaten at a small restaurant in my hometown. The taste of it so delicious. But only in my memories. Like moments of Sunshine in a cold winter morning, bringing in flashbacks of summer days. Only strong enough to warm the memories.

Your memories sneaking out through my eyes. I lose you a little each time. Bittersweet as it is… I wish I could relive it one more time. That youthfulness and carefree days, I wish I could have a go at it again just so I could truly appreciate the experience.

I would know how further in the future our decisions​ follow us. However much you try to forget, regret has a way of leaving you hollowed.

The memory of that phone call. What proof do I have that it ever took place at all.. only a few lines written on a post lost in the jungle of information that is internet.

the ‘You and me’ kind of confession

Dear you,

I have come a long way. But your memories, our memories still bring pangs of agony. I read everywhere that we should learn to let go. Learn to know when to give up. Learn to know when it’s time to walk away.  I did it. I walked away. But I still look back. And I still hurt. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when you are just a name in the list of names I no longer care about. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see your face in random friend’s wall and feel no tightening of the chest.

We are really far away from each other. And somehow it gives me a sense of relief, that there is no chance, no probability of me ever bumping into you. Because I don’t know if I have forgotten you enough to not care what you think of me.

You know what the trouble is with losing a best friend? You not only lose that one person in your life you thought was never going to leave your side, you are left with a huge blank in your life. A gaping hole in your soul which used to be filled with all the happy memories and time spent with your best friend. It’s like starting fresh in life. Only difference is, now you no longer feel comfortable enough to bare your soul the way you did with your best friend. Now you no longer believe you can find someone who is ever going to understand you or accept you the way you are. Now you no longer have a friend to lean on or share your happiness with. The trouble with losing your only best friend is, you are now all alone and no one has your back. No one to massage oil in your hair every alternate night. No one to go crazy with over a boy crush. No one to watch Korean dramas all through the night. No one to help you cross the road. No one to drag you along to watch the same movie twice just so your best friend could sit next to her crush. No one to be with while you grow into your own kind of person. Now you have nothing to look back on and smile. Because your every memory is tainted. Because all your memories are connected to that one person you are no longer connected with.

me…

glimses of my kintsugi soul

I was just chatting with one of my friend, about old friendships, about my stubborn nature, about how many friends I had lost because of my pride. At the end of the message he wrote, “I don’t know what you think… but sometimes think of other person not yourself.”

I was stung to tell the truth… and a lot of sarcastic lines came to my head but I decide to think of the other person and replied, “Being selfish is what I do best. Please allow me at least that pleasure in life.”

But his reply stunned me. “You try to be selfish… you show that you are selfish… this fake, show-off selfishness is more dangerous.”

Made me think, did he really know me that well, to make this sort of comment? Or was I just plain easy to read? Did he know of the wet pillows at night, did he notice the far off look I got whenever I saw a bunch of friends discussing studies… did he know I screened all my thoughts and action and that I wasn’t spontaneous anymore. That I was just a shell of a person, I once used to be, trying to maintain a show. That I lived everyday filled with sadness and fake laughter, of how close I was to crossing that fine line between moving on and giving up on life…. that depression was a thing I had to deal with everyday in the emptiness of my one bedroom flat.

Flash backs are such cliché… something one has on their death bed or at really bad moments in their lives. I have a normal comfortable life. Nothing to complain about. Nothing to celebrate about either. But these flashbacks seemed to follow me everywhere… putting tears in my eyes at the most unexpected of times… times I wasn’t prepared enough to hide them. Looking at a friend’s message where he sent me a psalm brought tears to my eyes in the middle of a crowded room. Maybe because I didn’t expect anyone to pray for me… or to remember me in their prayers. I had almost given up on God… it felt like a reminder from some other lifetime…  at other times, being pulled to the front of the table, where a birthday cake sat ready to be cut, by the 6 years old son of my landlord, so that I didn’t feel like an outsider (which I was), left me amazed… Did I believe the world to be worse than it actually was??! Or was I dwelling down into the hole of self pity again…

People say that there are some questions in life which cannot be answered because they are meant to remain a mystery. Because there are no answers and all we could do is trust in something bigger than us, believe that someone up there is going to take care of everything, if we just kept our side of the bargain and lived our lives in peace and quiet. Sometimes I feel like asking, was I suppose to turn out like this or was happiness ever a possibility for me?! Am I just a broken vessel or is God going to turn it all around and turn me into a kintsugi… a perfectly imperfect piece.

The real me… lost and found

Been so crazy for so long to believe in happy go lucky mantra, fell in love with it the first time I heard it and decided to follow it ever since, and don’t intend to stop just because a pissed off fellow tells me to, because I’ve never hurt people intentionally, asked forgiveness every time i felt i did someone wrong and meant it…

Forgave people who hurt me;of course with time, but completely. the shadows of past never dulled the happiness of meeting the people him/herself who caused the unhappiness… How many of you can tell honestly that you prayed for the people who hurt you? I do, every time my heart reeks with the betrayal of a dear one. whether the incident happened in the past or present…

Now, my relation is with god not with those who hurt me. but still, here i am justifying my actions to find love and acceptance in the heart of haters, can i care more?? perhaps i should care less.. because it hurts so much…

I may not have many real friends in life but those that i do i treasure them like diamonds. Perhaps some try to come close too, like i do, but i fail to notice their efforts like some fail to notice mine, them, I never hold a grudge against, after all we are all human and have our own preferences and hence hope for the same from those that get ignored by me. Forgive me for i am a bit of a loner not by choice but by nature. love the company of nature more and love to reflect, so… it happens . .

Always heard no matter how great a person is they always have someone who will hate them for some reason.. never wanted to believe it. call it self pity or self praise but yes i believe it now. After the many stabs of friends that cover my soul and all i felt was betrayal. I don’t expect all of you to understand how much it pains me to loose a friend or gain an enemy, but I do hope that those I hold close to my heart will at least attempt to understand. . . I hold no ill will for anyone. But if anyone does i can only pray. If they wish, they can always tell me and we can work on in together. But now i have grown wise and have decided to drop out now all those that just pretend to be with me and hold on only to those that are really there for me. I can’t keep sinking into lemons and complain its sour, I need to drop them so i can hold the apples more dearly…

I am the kind of person who would cry for a total strangers loss and help them if I could. this I believe is my humanity. Laugh if you want, cause I believe in humanity. If you don’t care it still doesn’t equate to no one cares. Someone always will, and that will be my solace…

Mock me if you want. but this is me all bared.