I am not as strong as I seem on the outside. You didn’t even understand that…
“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
― Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
I remember reading these lines when I first read the book back in 2009 and tears welling up in my eyes… so beautiful… putting words to feeling that I never thought could be expressed.
Since then, I have often thought about these lines at several points in my life. But more so in recent times… whenever I think about that person in my life, someone who meant a lot and whose absence I feel most days when I find myself reminiscing. I have thought about my pain and how I would be without it. Would I be anything at all without my pain? It is the reason that I write. Do I want to lose it… I have had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. But somewhere inside me, this tiny seed of sadness has always been present. It is a very large part of who I am. If I lose it now, who would I be?
I remember a time when I couldn’t even look back anymore because it hurt so much. I haven’t forgiven them. I most probably never will. I have tried so hard to do that but I guess my heart just isn’t big enough and I am not a person who is kind enough. So, I learnt to forget them. I don’t remember them as much now. I have gathered the courage to look back and not be filled with anger.
I thought I hated them. But I loved them so much, I didn’t expect myself to get attached. I hated that I needed them. And hated them for making me feel so needy. I sometimes regret being so rash, for letting my insecurities control me. But now most of the times, rewinding that memory tape hundreds of time, playing out different scenarios in my head, I can’t come to a different conclusion. I just feel their absence.
I think about them. But I don’t hate them. I don’t blame them. Neither do I blame myself. If the silence has lasted this long, maybe this was meant to be. I have accepted that I can never go back. I don’t seem to have the energy to seek out and repair old relationships. I think I am slowly accepting that our paths have forked and now I don’t need their Friendships the way I did before. Friendship, that’s a hard word for me. Hard to use. Hard to share. And hard to be. Harder than love has ever been. It has meant a lot to me. It still holds so much value. And I am learning every day to let go of it.
Maybe this pain that I had held on to so hard for so long has gathered up its things and slipped out unannounced in the middle of my mundane everyday life’s chaos.
Not so smart after all… a small sentence. Containing a lifetime of regret.
It was a good life. Some of my best times. The memories… ahh.. sometimes they don’t let me breathe. I still look back. I still hurt. I still regret.
I try… so hard to stay away from anything which might bring back those memories… I fail. It doesn’t work most of the time. Mostly because I have no self-control. I miss…
I know I missed that window in time. I don’t even try anymore. I know I will never find that feeling again. I try to replace it with everything else in life. But I miss those bonds… I never wanted to become the person I am right now. I always wanted a separate identity… a backup when everything falls apart or maybe when I needed my space. I find myself having too much of it now… the blank hollow space…
Retrospective is a cruel thing. I wonder if I am the only one feeling this way… if you ever look back. Wanting things to mend itself. Go back to being that day dreamer that I was…
truth is so different from what we expected it to be… pain is different, healing is different, relief is different from what our mind expects it to be… but its real and its worth it. I guess.
Be careful. Sometimes pain can trick you into believing it’s romantic. It’s not.
Sometimes it’s almost sickly enjoyable to lie awake in bed at night and miss them. To want them. To wish nothing more than to be lying next to them, or murmuring quietly on the phone with them until four in the morning.
Because that’s so much better than feeling nothing.
It doesn’t feel good, but it feels better than waking up and going to work and coming home and eating pizza and watching tv and going to bed just to start it all over the next day, the whole time feeling like a zombie who is experiencing life while half-asleep.
Sometimes we’re addicted to drama. Not because we’re dramatic or immature or vapid. Rather, we want so badly to feel alive, even in a bad way, that we’ll cling desperately to something, anything, that makes…
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But the point of being in love is not so that you can be perfect. The point of being in love is to form a connection with someone that allows you both to truly, actually be yourselves, especially on the days where you’re feeling vulnerable, or tired, or even… boring.
In the beginning stages of a budding relationship, people will tell you some version of the same advice: “Be yourself.”
They have good intentions. What they’re trying to say is: be comfortable, have fun, enjoy yourself, be genuine. They want you to be able to have a good time and to show this person who you truly are.
But what frequently happens is that people take “be yourself” to mean that you have to be the most ideal version of yourself.
If you’re smart, do everything in your power to show this person how incredibly intelligent you are. If you’re funny, make them laugh as hard and as often as possible. If you’re compassionate, overwhelm them with how much compassion you have at all times.
Be yourself – in the most perfect, flawless, and unattainable way possible.
But the point of being in love is not so that you…
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I have come a long way. But your memories, our memories still bring pangs of agony. I read everywhere that we should learn to let go. Learn to know when to give up. Learn to know when it’s time to walk away. I did it. I walked away. But I still look back. And I still hurt. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when you are just a name in the list of names I no longer care about. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see your face in random friend’s wall and feel no tightening of the chest.
We are really far away from each other. And somehow it gives me a sense of relief, that there is no chance, no probability of me ever bumping into you. Because I don’t know if I have forgotten you enough to not care what you think of me.
You know what the trouble is with losing a best friend? You not only lose that one person in your life you thought was never going to leave your side, you are left with a huge blank in your life. A gaping hole in your soul which used to be filled with all the happy memories and time spent with your best friend. It’s like starting fresh in life. Only difference is, now you no longer feel comfortable enough to bare your soul the way you did with your best friend. Now you no longer believe you can find someone who is ever going to understand you or accept you the way you are. Now you no longer have a friend to lean on or share your happiness with. The trouble with losing your only best friend is, you are now all alone and no one has your back. No one to massage oil in your hair every alternate night. No one to go crazy with over a boy crush. No one to watch Korean dramas all through the night. No one to help you cross the road. No one to drag you along to watch the same movie twice just so your best friend could sit next to her crush. No one to be with while you grow into your own kind of person. Now you have nothing to look back on and smile. Because your every memory is tainted. Because all your memories are connected to that one person you are no longer connected with.
So we grow. And we develop. Not just physically but also emotionally. And the emotional growth is so much more harder to accept. You become confused… “Which way am I growing… what am I growing into? Who am I becoming? Which is the real me??” There are so many shades of you, it’s hard to know which is the real you… When are you just pretending to fit a particular situation and when are you actually being yourself.
I guess, no one can answer that correctly. There might not be a correct answer. Because maybe… all those shades of you are the all of you growing in different direction instead of following a straight path. What you feel with different people, how you behave in the same situation but in different places or with different people, it’s all you. It’s all the real you. Even when you are pretending, it’s you.
I guess it’s OK to doubt, to be confused, to ask questions about yourself, to feel like nobody understand, to feel alone. But you are not. You really aren’t!! it’s ok not to get the answers right away. There aren’t always answers for everything.