when to let love go…

Dear diary,
I think we as human, as people go through a lot of different struggles in our lives. Some of which are visible to others and for those visible struggles we can expect to receive support and encouragement and even respect from our near and dear ones. And then there are some struggles, going on inside us, hidden from everyone, invisible to all but us. A struggle which we as individuals have to deal with. Alone. It is those struggles that come to define us, of what kind of a person we turn out to be. We have to take a lot of hard decisions. And live with the consequences of those decisions. One of those hard decisions is… deciding to let go of the most favorite people in your life, because you realize that you are being a burden on them. That your friendship has become more of a baggage than a bonding of love and mutual liking.
I think I have taken a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Decisions which left ugly scars on both parties involved. I am a weak person. I am shallow, selfish and often foolish. I am short tempered and I take rash decisions which I later, much later, regret. I have taken a lot of bad decisions in my life, either by my actions or my in- actions. I have hurt people, people I love or loved, as a consequences of those decisions. And I have lived with that guilt, unable to share it with anyone. I think that is my punishment. To have to live with the knowledge that I was the reason for hurting people I loved so much. Maybe… I am unable to keep them because I don’t have a heart big enough.
I used to love them. I loved spending time with them, being with them. Some of my most beautiful memories are with them. But when I look back now… I took a horrible decision which spoilt all those memories. It was because of that decision that all my memories are now tainted with pain. When I look back now, it only hurts me. So the only way left is forward. I need to let go. And it’s so hard. To decide to forget, to decide to never look back. It hurts. To let go. Those sudden pangs of guilt that hits me when some random pictures of them show up on a mutual friend’s wall. To look at them and not feel anything, I wish that time comes soon.
I wonder what a kind person would do. Sometimes I feel so angry. But then I realize that it was after all my fault the way everything turned out. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios in my mind for that final meeting. None of them came true. What did happen was… I cried alone in an empty room for hours, unable to stop the tears… for the lose. Lose of love; lose of friendship, of the bonding we used to have. I used to think we were perfect. What we had was perfect. I thought that was how all friendships were supposed to be. I guess I was the only one thinking that. But anyway, I was happy to not have realized that it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was happy being oblivious. At least for a while.
I think, to date, I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of people in my life. But giving up on them… was is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I will do it. And do it with a smile. Because, I may not be a lot of things, but I am definitely brave. Or at least brave enough. To suffer the consequences of all the bad choices of my life.
I will forget them. I will let go. I will not hate them. I will just… distract myself long enough to move on. I won’t look back at the hurt and the fights. I will try. I will try to be a better person. For me. for them. They were beautiful. Those memories. I will learn to look past them.
Maybe… a few years down the line, I will not hurt like this. Maybe after a while this will seem like just another lesson. Maybe later, I will be able to look past the hurt and see the happiness I felt with them. Maybe I will learn to not let the pain quench the joy out of the moments which would forever be etched in my memory. Just maybe…


haunted by a memory…

It was getting late. We had a series of test the next day. We needed to get to the hostel on time. We were sitting in a cab. Waiting for it to get full so we could leave. And I saw a young boy, I had taught on our weekend social cause program Prajjwal. The boy was a differently abled child. He was slower in his studies, was speech impaired and had a few facial disfigurations. He was bigger and older than the other kids but he was always kind and always persistent. He always walked the whole way from home to our institute, where we taught many other below poverty line children. It was a 3 kilometer distance away.

He came and sat in the cab but the cab driver pushed him out and I saw a group of other cab drivers standing around and making fun of the kid. I heard him argue with the driver and demanding why he was pushed out. What if he had fallen and got hurt? And all the while the other auto drivers made fun of his speech impairment, imitated him and laughed around. He looked at us, the teachers who taught him every Sunday, maybe looking for support, maybe expecting some help. But all we did was just sit inside the cab quietly.

I felt disgusted with myself, for being a coward. I wanted to get out of the cab right then. I wanted to protect the boy from all the abuse he must be going through as part of his daily life. He was so brave. But I did nothing. The cab left the stand. I felt so guilty, I felt I would never be able to forgive myself, to let go this feeling of incapability. And I vowed to never let something like this happen again. I wanted to do something. I didn’t know what. I just wanted the boy to not have to go through such circumstances again. But what could I do? What good was learning all those moral lessons and business ethics when I couldn’t put it into practice when the time came?

I reached my hostel. Changed and as time went by, I started forgetting the boy and the incidence. I was more worried about the tests the next day. I didn’t have time to think about someone else. The feeling I had when I saw the boy being treated that way, slowly left me. And I was immersed in my daily mundane activities. My priorities already shifting back to the way it was before I saw the whole incidence.

It’s sad to see the way human mechanism works. How we are able to close our eyes to everything wrong that goes on around us. Because they don’t affect us, we are able to unsee them. The incidence although most of the time fails to make its presence felt, occasionally leaves me with twigs of guilt. Although that infuriating feeling of injustice has dulled, I still get that image of that boy floating in my head sometimes…  A lot of time has passed since then, I wonder why I am still haunted by the vivid images of that evening…