To ‘Once-upon-a-time’ friendship

Dear once-upon-a-time-best-friend,

It’s been quite a long time since we have been in touch. I remember our last conversation. You congratulating me on the gold medal, me accepting the wishes graciously. Very unlike us. I remember that night clear as day. Talk about paradox. I remember the days leading up to it quite clearly too. I remember writing that acceptance speech, trying to be all grown up. But the best part of that speech came the night before the graduation ceremony. When I tried to make up with you. But was met with empty corridors. The tears that night really burned a hole and the words were beautiful. I can never forgive you. And I know you do not seek it, do not even know the impact it had left on me. Well, you didn’t care. You never did. I shouldn’t have either. But I did. Foolish huh.

I know I was at fault. I had hurt your feelings. That is why I tried. But I guess it was too late by then. I am sorry for that. You do not know how much. But I am. Still. I wish I had done things differently. But the past is what it is. I can only work on my present and my future. I say this with all my heart that I hope I have matured since then. Although I don’t know for sure. One never knows. Until tested. And I hope I don’t get tested anytime soon. I am still fragile. Because I still can’t forgive you. This is the truth. I have learned to live with it running in the background, it has become part of the white noise inside my brain. But I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know if I ever will. Hence all the sad sob shares on social media. I try hard to make up for your absence in my life. Most times I don’t even care. But days like this leave me wistful.

Special days. I hate them the most. I like the monotony now. It’s comforting. Something I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear you being mentioned by our mutual friends, my heart skips a beat, I don’t always know how to react. So I choose the easy way, I ignore it. I still haven’t told my mom about us. She thinks we just drifted apart. Somehow it feels like if I tell another person about us, you will be forever lost. Somehow, someone else knowing we are no longer friends would make the fact concrete. As though it isn’t already so. I am such a fool sometimes.

I still miss you. I miss you most when I hear my new friends reminiscing about their college days like they were last night. I have no stories. Not anymore. I wish I could be part of theirs but I can’t. I am adrift. Sometimes I think it’s for the best. This way there is less chance of getting hurt or hurting others. I am especially cruel with people I love. Don’t ask how I got so screwed up. But I like running away from love. Just another damaged good. Let’s leave it at that. Nothing new. No use romanticizing this broken-ness. I have read enough posts to know how one can start loving this misery, this notion of being a victim. I at least have not stooped to that level. Tears still are a sign of weakness and if you can’t live your life just because of a mistake you made, you are pathetic. Tears are to be shed in the darkness of the night, only to be shared with your pillow. This is my notion of adulthood. Maybe because I look through a cracked glass. I like to know the other side of the story too.

I hope you are happy. You were always such a congenial person. I know life would be a breeze for you. Or I hope so. Anyway, happy friendship day to you and your friends. Late though I might be, my wishes for you are true.

From your once-upon-a-time-best-friend.

P.S – not really sure if I actually was your Best Friend or was it all just inside my head?!

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forgetting to forget you

It was by chance… I saw you. I have been trying to stay as far away from you as possible, taking every precaution necessary. So when it happened… I felt this strange pinch in my heart. And it felt like I couldn’t take my eyes off of you even if I tried. Almost like, I wanted to keep looking at you so I could feel all that pain again. Almost like a masochist.
I know that we are over. And everybody keeps advising me to stop dragging a relationship beyond its normal course of time. Like our relationship had an expiration date. And I know it was right to give up finally. But strangely when ever these chances occur, when I end up seeing you, right doesn’t feel that right.
I really had no idea we would end up like this. I know you are not the one to mourn the loss of someone for long. And I guess that is an advantage, to have that capacity to move on no matter what. I wish I would just get on with it too. It’s so tiresome to be careful and purposely try not to go places where past might come chasing after me. It’s no fun being on guard. You have no idea how frustrated I am with myself. I just… I wish I could just forget that I have to forget you.

Timing

I heard somewhere that every relationship depends on timing. Mine always seem to be happening at the wrong time…

Seeing you, even a glimpse of you… makes my heart flutter. I don’t like it and I don’t need it at this point in time. But stupid heart doesn’t listens. Why is it taking so much time to get over you?? To tell you the truth, I never let myself believe that I was ever in love with you. Maybe I wasn’t, maybe it was just a strong infatuation, maybe it was just a mistake caused because of forced companionship, and maybe it was just love… I remember all the time I spent wondering whether by letting you go without trying was the biggest mistake of my life. Whether I was surrendering a bit too soon… what if you were my soul mate, what if I was giving up too soon, what if… but then you didn’t even believe in soul mates…

I have got a stronger grip on my feeling now. Or maybe I just got better at hiding it. But still there is this crushing feeling every time I see you… is it because I still can’t fool my heart? When will I stop feeling this way about you?

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there…

adel said it all..

when push comes to shove

I guess I was falling for you. And it scared me. So I did the thing I always do when someone gets too close. I push them out. It’s easier. But I wish I didn’t have to. It scared me that I was scared of a future without you. How did I become so dependent on you? When did I start taking it for granted that you were always going to be there in my life? Even when I knew from the start that it wasn’t going to last, even though I pretend to not care about you, about us, I guess you always knew it was all just a show. Sometimes I feel I suffer from a split personality disorder. Or maybe it’s just the devil and the angel hovering over my head.

I read in harry potter that we all have two paths laid out ahead of us, the easy one and the right one and it depends on us which one we take. I see them too. And it’s a constant struggle I go through every day. Wanting things, I know I shouldn’t. Searching for meaning in things which are better left alone, trying to always read between the lines. Always… always looking, but never finding.

This game of telling something else and meaning something else, of trying to understand the unsaid, of trying to read the signs… It’s so frustrating! Life would have been much simpler if we all just said what we meant! A little less complexity to deal with…

I know you are trying to back me into a corner, trying to get me to confess. But how can I do it, when I haven’t yet confessed it to myself, when even thinking about it leaves me a mess. Maybe you are looking for closure. Or maybe you are just trying to make things right before you finally decide to stop trying. I don’t know… I don’t think I have the energy left to try to understand your cryptic messages this time.

You see, I too am trying to look for a way to escape, a way to protect myself. I see the way I am getting too attached to you and I know it’s going to lead to heartaches. I know I am being selfish but I also know that you are the stronger one in our relationship. I am all pomp and show and you are the backbone. You are going to be able to leave it and let go of it without any trouble… but me… being the hypersensitive one with an enormous ego, am going get stuck in the past, be left behind trying to pick up the pieces of a puzzle which is never going to be complete. Another mess to deal with… or to run away from…

I don’t know how it started… it was all fun and games until it turned serious. I have been trying to run ever since. I didn’t even realize when it happened. I thought I could handle it. I have this annoying habit of always making the same mistake again and again. So at last my luck has run out and I have committed a mistake from which there is no redemption… Finally the turn has come for me to be the one getting hurt, the mistake has become too big a trouble to be wrapped up and be hidden into my personal mess folder. How long was I planning to continue to ignore my messes anyway? There had to be a time when all of it would catch up to me. All that’s left to do is to wait and see what I end up doing, when push comes to shove.

lines I like..

 

I can tell
I can tell how much you hate thins
And deep down inside
You know it’s killin’ me
I can call
Wish you well
And try to change this
But nothing I can say
Would change anything
Where were my senses
I left them all behind
Why did I turn away
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I’m not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It’s gonna be alright

Didn’t mean
Didn’t mean to leave you stranded
Went away ’cause I didn’t want to face the truth
Reachin’ out
Reach for me empty handed
You don’t know if I care you’re trying to find the proof
There were ties I’d wonder
Could I have eased your pain
Why did I turn away
Away

It’s gonna be alright
Save you
I wish I could save you

We can pretend nothing’s changed
Pretend it’s all the same
And there will be no pain tonight

kelly clarkson (save you)