To ‘Once-upon-a-time’ friendship

Dear once-upon-a-time-best-friend,

It’s been quite a long time since we have been in touch. I remember our last conversation. You congratulating me on the gold medal, me accepting the wishes graciously. Very unlike us. I remember that night clear as day. Talk about paradox. I remember the days leading up to it quite clearly too. I remember writing that acceptance speech, trying to be all grown up. But the best part of that speech came the night before the graduation ceremony. When I tried to make up with you. But was met with empty corridors. The tears that night really burned a hole and the words were beautiful. I can never forgive you. And I know you do not seek it, do not even know the impact it had left on me. Well, you didn’t care. You never did. I shouldn’t have either. But I did. Foolish huh.

I know I was at fault. I had hurt your feelings. That is why I tried. But I guess it was too late by then. I am sorry for that. You do not know how much. But I am. Still. I wish I had done things differently. But the past is what it is. I can only work on my present and my future. I say this with all my heart that I hope I have matured since then. Although I don’t know for sure. One never knows. Until tested. And I hope I don’t get tested anytime soon. I am still fragile. Because I still can’t forgive you. This is the truth. I have learned to live with it running in the background, it has become part of the white noise inside my brain. But I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know if I ever will. Hence all the sad sob shares on social media. I try hard to make up for your absence in my life. Most times I don’t even care. But days like this leave me wistful.

Special days. I hate them the most. I like the monotony now. It’s comforting. Something I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear you being mentioned by our mutual friends, my heart skips a beat, I don’t always know how to react. So I choose the easy way, I ignore it. I still haven’t told my mom about us. She thinks we just drifted apart. Somehow it feels like if I tell another person about us, you will be forever lost. Somehow, someone else knowing we are no longer friends would make the fact concrete. As though it isn’t already so. I am such a fool sometimes.

I still miss you. I miss you most when I hear my new friends reminiscing about their college days like they were last night. I have no stories. Not anymore. I wish I could be part of theirs but I can’t. I am adrift. Sometimes I think it’s for the best. This way there is less chance of getting hurt or hurting others. I am especially cruel with people I love. Don’t ask how I got so screwed up. But I like running away from love. Just another damaged good. Let’s leave it at that. Nothing new. No use romanticizing this broken-ness. I have read enough posts to know how one can start loving this misery, this notion of being a victim. I at least have not stooped to that level. Tears still are a sign of weakness and if you can’t live your life just because of a mistake you made, you are pathetic. Tears are to be shed in the darkness of the night, only to be shared with your pillow. This is my notion of adulthood. Maybe because I look through a cracked glass. I like to know the other side of the story too.

I hope you are happy. You were always such a congenial person. I know life would be a breeze for you. Or I hope so. Anyway, happy friendship day to you and your friends. Late though I might be, my wishes for you are true.

From your once-upon-a-time-best-friend.

P.S – not really sure if I actually was your Best Friend or was it all just inside my head?!

down memory lane…

I never wanted it. The gold medal or the top job or the status. I was just trying to fulfill someone else’s expectations… because I knew how much it hurt to break them. I remember the night my dad cried. I realized that day how much they loved us, and how we had failed to understand them. It was that night I decided to do everything to never let them go through that kind of pain again. It was also the reason I took some wrong decisions in my life, but I don’t regret them. They made me stronger, the kind of person who can stand on her own without waiting to please the whole world. At least I built an identity for myself. At least I couldn’t be someone who could be ignored. Oh I was hated enough. I never had any friends. I was too opinionated for them all. I guess I was different. And not scared to show it. In fact I was actually quite proud of it. Didn’t want to be the same as every other person in there. Peas in a pod, too scared to stand out.

I met a lot of people. Some left me, some I left. I was repelled by some of them and some of them made me cling to them even after it was too late to salvage our relationships. I don’t regret any of it. Because looking at it all now, from this point of view, I see how it all shaped me as I person. And although I am still not perfect or as strong as I would like to be, I have learned to never let someone else decide my faith. I have learned that some people are always going to disappoint you no matter how careful you are with your selections. No matter how hard you try to be just and true and sincere, there will be some people who will call you selfish and self centered. You just need to learn to tune them out of your life, let go of them as soon as possible, because they are capable of destroying every inch of you without any second thoughts. Some people will always be bitter and they will drag you down along with them. And there will be people who will support you through hell just because they believe in you. Those are the kind of people you need to learn to treasure. There won’t be many but they sure will be there. We just need to learn to recognise them. They will find us.

I have made a lot of mistakes. Who hasn’t? But as they say –“to be human is to be beautifully flawed”. I have accepted the flaws in me and learned to make the best out of it. Although I am still too filled with pride to ask forgiveness from all those people I have judged too harshly, I carry the burden without a sound, the same way I carry the burden of all the expectations attached to me. It might feel too unbearable at times, but it also reminds me of all the people out there who love me enough to trust me to never break their hearts. Like mine was…

in love with the wrong person

We don’t talk anymore. And I hate the way we have become strangers.

I look at everything as if through a looking glass… detached… and I see the mistakes I made which have brought me to the place I am in right now. I see now all the sequence of events which has led me to this place in life. And I know now that it is all because I wasn’t worthy of all that was given to me, the reason why I lost everything. He looks like a distant dream. Something my imagination had created out of thin air. He isn’t as perfect as I imagined him to be. He is not even near. But I still love him. I still can’t have him.

He was my inspiration. He was the reason I wrote. I don’t know since when it started, but now I couldn’t write unless I saw him… unless I had some sort of contact with him. I know it’s was wrong to feel this way about a man who could never be mine, but I couldn’t help it. I told myself several times that I didn’t really want him, that the way I felt for him was different, and that I didn’t want to have a defined relationship with him. But the truth was, I wanted it. I wanted all the things between us which were there in a serious relationship. I also knew it’s something which could never be possible. I was a girl in a committed relationship and I was happy in it. But I wanted more. I know it’s so selfish to even write it down, but I couldn’t hold it inside anymore.

It hits me like a tsunami. The waves of guilt drenching me. How did it happen? How did it start? What had I got myself into? How do I get out of it? Why on earth did I let this happen to me? So many questions hounding me… and I know, it’s all my fault.

too far gone

I feel like a fool. I am truly the biggest thick-head ever. If I knew better, if I ever learned from my mistakes, I would have stayed away from him. I wouldn’t have tried to try to read him, tried to understand him. Because he is not someone I can help, he is not someone who wants to be helped. He is too far gone to be helped. He is going to corrupt my soul too…

I wish I had seen this lingering darkness around him sooner… before it started seeping into me. I wish I could have helped him. I wish I knew that he didn’t know how to ask for it. I wish I didn’t have to hurt him.