outside of my tiny well

dear you,
Before I jumped out of the well which was my whole world… I had a very different notion of who I was. I thought I knew what I wanted in life, nothing too specific, no big goals… just this burning desire to live an independent free life. A life where I wouldn’t have to depend on anyone to take my decisions. Of course now that I have seen the view outside of my well, I know no one ever truly is free.
And this life scares me…
me…

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breaking of the dam

Memories flood my mind. I clench my hand to stop the flow. I don’t have time to deal with them right now. I look at you and think… how can one person be able to dictate my heart in so many ways??! I can’t remember when it started or how it started. Just remember feeling helpless for the first time and desperation… to get out of the situation.

I am the kind of person who falls just as easily in love as I fall out of it. I have a short attention span and I lose interest pretty fast. Nothing holds my attention for long. You might think I’m a flake. You might be right. I wish I knew why if I am so flaky, am I not able to get over him. I have always been the kind of person who values freedom more than anything. More than relationships, more than love. There isn’t a time I didn’t want to be free from all the responsibilities which are holding me, responsibilities born out of love and relationships. There are some I can’t let go, some I don’t want to and some which were attached to me by my birth and the coincidence of geography…

Of course I know these relationships don’t just burden me with their responsibilities but it also brings with it love so pure, it hurts to be enfolded in it. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I have never given in control in the relationships I have formed outside of my family. I find it more of a burden, the cost overriding the benefits of having a boyfriend. I don’t want any more added baggage to my already heavy bag of responsibilities.

Then how is it that I lost control this time? Maybe I became overconfident in my abilities to keep my heart in check. Maybe I grew careless. Maybe it’s the effect of reading too much of Paulo Coelho. I should have never believed him. I always knew I couldn’t trust anyone other than myself. But this time, I wanted to… so badly.