letting go…

Dear you, I see your life going by just fine without me. You don’t feel my absence. You don’t feel my presence either. And that hurts. To be invisible. I know I am a difficult person to be with, but after all this time I thought you at least understood me, if not accept the way I am. I cried on the night of my birthday because although you feel your words don’t hurt me, maybe cause I don’t react, it hurts so much. Words which were so simple to say… showed the true feelings you had for me. Maybe I am hyper sensitive, but I am not a fool. Maybe I am reserved, arrogant, upfront to the point of cruelity but at least I am not fake. I thought that was the most important thing to have in a relationship. At least you always knew where you stood with me. At least you didn’t have to worry what I actually thought about you. But of course, I couldn’t expect the same thing from you. You have no idea how much you hurt me. But I guess it’s ok now. I have learned another lesson in life. I always was slow in this respect. I never could stop expecting you to understand me. I have tried a lot to not show my anger and disappointment to you. And I guess I was successful. Because when you complain about all the things I do to you, you never stop to think that you are doing the exact same things to me. I do it to show you what you make me go through. And the things I do for you without any complaints. Unlike you, I never make a show of everything I do for you. But you don’t realize that. Why would you? After all I am always the bad guy aren’t I? I always put you before everyone else. Even before all the other people who loved me more than you, and even accepted me for who I am. Now I see how clingy I must have been. How desperate to gain your approval. And I never thought I would fall this low. Although I always got less than I gave, I never once thought about it, because I thought it was wrong to do so, that I was being selfish, because I thought relationships like ours weren’t based on a give and take rules. But I do now. I see all the time, you brought my spirit down, made me feel like a loser, made me feel guilty, and I chose to ignore every one of those moments, because I thought I was being hyper as usual. But I too have a limit. I guess I had bottled it all inside and now the bottle is too full to be ignored anymore. I have decided to give up on you. I have decided to not follow you anymore, to let you go at last. I am done with all the hurt and the silent tears. I won’t hate you. You are not worthy of it. I guess I will just forget you. You never needed me anyway. Me…