down memory lane…

I never wanted it. The gold medal or the top job or the status. I was just trying to fulfill someone else’s expectations… because I knew how much it hurt to break them. I remember the night my dad cried. I realized that day how much they loved us, and how we had failed to understand them. It was that night I decided to do everything to never let them go through that kind of pain again. It was also the reason I took some wrong decisions in my life, but I don’t regret them. They made me stronger, the kind of person who can stand on her own without waiting to please the whole world. At least I built an identity for myself. At least I couldn’t be someone who could be ignored. Oh I was hated enough. I never had any friends. I was too opinionated for them all. I guess I was different. And not scared to show it. In fact I was actually quite proud of it. Didn’t want to be the same as every other person in there. Peas in a pod, too scared to stand out.

I met a lot of people. Some left me, some I left. I was repelled by some of them and some of them made me cling to them even after it was too late to salvage our relationships. I don’t regret any of it. Because looking at it all now, from this point of view, I see how it all shaped me as I person. And although I am still not perfect or as strong as I would like to be, I have learned to never let someone else decide my faith. I have learned that some people are always going to disappoint you no matter how careful you are with your selections. No matter how hard you try to be just and true and sincere, there will be some people who will call you selfish and self centered. You just need to learn to tune them out of your life, let go of them as soon as possible, because they are capable of destroying every inch of you without any second thoughts. Some people will always be bitter and they will drag you down along with them. And there will be people who will support you through hell just because they believe in you. Those are the kind of people you need to learn to treasure. There won’t be many but they sure will be there. We just need to learn to recognise them. They will find us.

I have made a lot of mistakes. Who hasn’t? But as they say –“to be human is to be beautifully flawed”. I have accepted the flaws in me and learned to make the best out of it. Although I am still too filled with pride to ask forgiveness from all those people I have judged too harshly, I carry the burden without a sound, the same way I carry the burden of all the expectations attached to me. It might feel too unbearable at times, but it also reminds me of all the people out there who love me enough to trust me to never break their hearts. Like mine was…

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