Masochist

Seeing you every day is a torture, but something I look forward to every day.

I remember small details I should have forgotten long ago. How you held my hand while crossing a road which hardly had any traffic, how the sun shone on your face, how our shoulders touched each other when we met for the first time and shared a taxi, the patterns in your favorite shirt. Useless details. Why do I still think about you at all? You are gone. You have moved on. Then why am I still stuck exactly where I was a year back? I am trying to walk away. Although it scares me to think of a future where I won’t know where you are, I am trying to push those thoughts away and walk away from your life. I won’t hurt you anymore. I won’t be horrible anymore. I’ll leave you alone with her. Maybe now you love her more than you loved me once.

Before you came into my life, I thought love was just a fairy tale, something possible only in Katherine Heigl movies and Korean dramas. I thought I was incapable of loving or falling in love. I thought I would never understand; never know what all the hype was about. Because of you I experienced what it’s like to fall in love. I guess it was worth it. Though I still don’t believe in happy endings, I believe love is possible, even if it’s for a short while.

Will I ever see a day when I can look back and think of you and not be consumed with guilt? When I can forgive myself? I am sorry… really really sorry, and also thankful to you. Thank you for showing me the other side of the story. Thank you for trying to understand me, for trying to accept me with all my craziness, for trying to change yourself just for me. I did love you once. Please remember. Please remember the good times too sometimes, when you- if you ever think of me… You were my first love. You showed me love and the pain caused because of it. I’m sorry for the broken heart and the permanent scares…

I still think long lasting love is like a fairy tale, but thank you for letting me experience the magic for a little while.

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