repairing my heart…

Ok!! So I saw you and I hid!! And you saw me trying to hide!! And some part of me did want you to notice that I was trying to ignore you purposely. I know it was stupid! And immature of me! And I should be more careful with the silly things I end up doing to someone I am trying very hard to forget! But your reaction… it was something which hurt me more. Laughing?? Ah well!! What was I expecting anyway??!! Now I seriously don’t want to talk to you. I can’t talk to you. I guess we are past the point from where we can return unscathed. I made sure of that with my stunt today right?!! And I also know it’s entirely my fault. I know it will take me some time to function normally but I’ll do it. I have to!! There is no other plan. I won’t fail. I can’t fail!!

Trying to act extra happy, I myself find me so fake! I’m laughing at things which are not even worth smiling. God! I’m so obvious!! Why can’t I be more natural??

If you had just pulled me aside on that first day and told me to dump my stupid plans I would have given up without a fight. But you didn’t. if only you had told me what exactly you think of all this that’s going on between us and how dumb you find it, I would have not thought twice before hugging you hard coz I miss you so much. But you didn’t. And it’s all my fault. I know I know I know!!! But I am not strong enough to change it. I am not emotionally stable enough to make things right between us. I know what I am doing is cowardly but I need to save me. I need to not die every day I look at you. I need to remove all the control you have over me. I can’t can’t can’t continue to function like this. I am not that good a person.

My heart breaks every time I see you type your security code in your phone because I know it’s her name. I can’t bear the feeling it gives me. Because I know why you kept her name as your phone code. You even told me you want to keep your kids name after her. Is that how much you love her? Or was that just a hint for me (which I obviously missed!!) to realise there was some one that important in your life??!! Coz seriously who on this sane earth keeps their own kids name after their wife’s name?? Maybe your grandkids but your direct descendents??! That would be weird. I guess it was all an act for me to get curious and ask who she was. Isn’t that super obvious?? So I was the biggest slow brained person on earth who took so long to get curious and ask him why he found her so special.

It’s easier said than done. I get what this phrase means now!!  Truly! But I am not gonna give up so easily. Or maybe I will. Coz I do stupid things for the stupidest of reason. Maybe I’ll have to work harder for a while. But the end result will be for my good. Right now, thinking about what all this will lead to, only makes me want to cry. But I know now it’s all for my good. I should have done it ages ago. When I actually started out… when I realised I was falling for the wrong things…

 I know you will not understand. I don’t understand it myself most of the time. So please have the heart to forgive me. Please ignore me, love me long enough for me to get over you, for me to go back to being normal. Please…

 

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