I broke up with him. I know I love him. More than I have ever loved any other man. I can live, without him. I can marry someone else and be happy. But I also know, I will never find someone else who would love me as much as he does.
I didn’t do it because I was being brave for both our sakes. I didn’t do it because I thought I was doing both of us a favour. I didn’t do it because I thought we didn’t have a future together. I did it because I am selfish. Because I want more than love. I want recognition. I want to be able to climb the 4th ladder of the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I need to have it. I am too selfish to be satisfied with just love. My dreams are too big, too big for anyone else to be in my life except it. I have tried ignoring it. I have tried to pass it off as just another unreachable dream. But I can’t. I want it, more than anything else in life. I want fame, power, glory. I want my parents to look at me and be proud. I want to go beyond boundaries. I want to explore. I want more… more than anyone else… I know I am being greedy.
It’s a dangerous combination… or maybe the perfect one. I need to learn to be harder. I am going to be harder. No more sniffling around for people who will soon enough leave my life to never come back to it anymore. I need to be stronger, a better actor, a better pretender. I need to learn to hide my hatred along with my love. Its weakness, as the professor rightly said, to let anyone come close to my emotions. I too need to build those walls stronger, larger than before.
I wonder if it’s possible to let go of everything for a dream… filled with doubts… with weaknesses… with hope… but still clinging on to this dream for more… greedy selfish me, I hope I survive it all.