distance…

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Or does distance makes you grow accustom to the absence and move on to other things in life. How is it that long distance relationship doesn’t last in most cases? Every book I read tells me to follow my heart. So many novels written on how following your heart results in happy endings. What if I don’t know what my heart wants? What if I know what it wants and also that it is wrong. How do I go forward with that with a clear conscience? Without having to battle on a regular basis with my head on how doing what is considered unacceptable by the society is what my heart wants, to not be stop by the rules of the society.

I want to go so far away that these rules cannot follow me there, so that I don’t have to follow my life according to anyone else’s expectations. Bigger then my dreams are the expectations of others. I could have been anything but because my life is not just mine, I need to live it in a way which is expected of me. Although I know I am blessed to be so loved, it sometimes feels like a prison. A prison whose walls are made of love.

I don’t know if what I felt for him was real or just a kind of a summer fling. But I knew with a sure certainty that it would never lead to anything. He had his life. I had mine. There was no way where our lives could have had the possibility to merge. But life likes playing cruel jokes on us. So I met him, found out who he was, how much our thoughts were alike and also how we could never be together.

I still don’t know how he felt, if it was all real, if he felt the same about me or was I just caught up in a one sided love. But I know that our conversations were never boring. There wasn’t a moment when I felt monotony. Talking to him made me forget the time of the day. I knew I would never be bored with him. He made me forget that there were consequences to our actions. That I would have to pay in some way for the boundaries I was crossing. That my heart wasn’t as much in my control as I thought it was. That breaking away from him would cause so much heart ache.

I thought I could get out of it anytime I wanted. I had always been that way. Because I never gave the whole of me to anyone, it had never been hard for me to move on. Maybe I misjudged my opponent this time. For I found myself thinking about him and hurting in places I didn’t know was still inside me. I thought I had successfully turned myself into stone so that I wouldn’t have to get hurt again. But I guess I wasn’t very good at it from the start. I will just have to get used to being hypersensitive.

 

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