I am right, I am wrong, I am right…

I pick up the phone too many times and I keep it back too many times… I do not contact you not only because I have an ego the size of Mount Everest but also because I know it would be wrong… For once in my life I am doing something right and its taking too much of me to follow it through. I have never been able to resist you and I know if you ask me, I would go back to you in a second because that is the kind of relationship we had… Maybe that’s why it’s kind of a relief that you are not making the first move either… Every night it is a struggle to stop myself from contacting you… I go through several scenarios of how it would be like… what I would say, what you would reply, whether it would be awkward after all this time or would we smoothly move back to the way we were, like nothing really happened between us. But of course I never get to confirm it because it all stays inside my head.

Watching your back, as you move away from me is all I can do. I thought we had something special between us, and so it hurt to see you develop the same bonds with others. But I cannot stop you from moving ahead in life. I cannot force you to stay back with me in time. I just… I just didn’t think you would do it so fast. It feels like ‘we’ were never really of any importance to you, like moving on for you was no big deal, while I’m still stuck in the past. But I cannot dwell on self pity now, when I was the one who broke it off.

Maybe I didn’t mean as much to you as you did to me. Maybe you always had this cruel, uncaring side to you I never saw before because I was so spellbound by your magic. Or maybe I did see it but chose to ignore it. Maybe it was the reason which confirmed it for me that we couldn’t continue like this anymore.

I know I am right in doing what I did, maybe I could have been less obvious about it, less dramatic maybe… But there are moments when I am filled with self doubt and so much regret that I wonder if it was worth it. I wonder why I need to constantly remind myself that “I am right”, why I need to constantly distract myself from you.



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