when push comes to shove

I guess I was falling for you. And it scared me. So I did the thing I always do when someone gets too close. I push them out. It’s easier. But I wish I didn’t have to. It scared me that I was scared of a future without you. How did I become so dependent on you? When did I start taking it for granted that you were always going to be there in my life? Even when I knew from the start that it wasn’t going to last, even though I pretend to not care about you, about us, I guess you always knew it was all just a show. Sometimes I feel I suffer from a split personality disorder. Or maybe it’s just the devil and the angel hovering over my head.

I read in harry potter that we all have two paths laid out ahead of us, the easy one and the right one and it depends on us which one we take. I see them too. And it’s a constant struggle I go through every day. Wanting things, I know I shouldn’t. Searching for meaning in things which are better left alone, trying to always read between the lines. Always… always looking, but never finding.

This game of telling something else and meaning something else, of trying to understand the unsaid, of trying to read the signs… It’s so frustrating! Life would have been much simpler if we all just said what we meant! A little less complexity to deal with…

I know you are trying to back me into a corner, trying to get me to confess. But how can I do it, when I haven’t yet confessed it to myself, when even thinking about it leaves me a mess. Maybe you are looking for closure. Or maybe you are just trying to make things right before you finally decide to stop trying. I don’t know… I don’t think I have the energy left to try to understand your cryptic messages this time.

You see, I too am trying to look for a way to escape, a way to protect myself. I see the way I am getting too attached to you and I know it’s going to lead to heartaches. I know I am being selfish but I also know that you are the stronger one in our relationship. I am all pomp and show and you are the backbone. You are going to be able to leave it and let go of it without any trouble… but me… being the hypersensitive one with an enormous ego, am going get stuck in the past, be left behind trying to pick up the pieces of a puzzle which is never going to be complete. Another mess to deal with… or to run away from…

I don’t know how it started… it was all fun and games until it turned serious. I have been trying to run ever since. I didn’t even realize when it happened. I thought I could handle it. I have this annoying habit of always making the same mistake again and again. So at last my luck has run out and I have committed a mistake from which there is no redemption… Finally the turn has come for me to be the one getting hurt, the mistake has become too big a trouble to be wrapped up and be hidden into my personal mess folder. How long was I planning to continue to ignore my messes anyway? There had to be a time when all of it would catch up to me. All that’s left to do is to wait and see what I end up doing, when push comes to shove.

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