warrior or victim…

I used to be a very stable person.. someone who got trusted a lot.. to do a lot of things… i didn’t suffer from  this emotional outbursts which has become a part of me now… mostly I kept to myself, never getting too involved in anything… books were all I had… and it was good. I used to look down on people being over dramatic… used to wonder why people went ahead and created their own problems and then cried over it. I never suffered from excess of anything. I had friends in the characters of my novels… I could be in the bed whole day dreaming up new characters… extending the story… Now, some how I feel I have lost that ability to dream up, like before… I was never the cunning, competitive, loud, attention seeking, backstabbing type… I guess time changes us… or maybe I was always like this, I just hadn’t realized it before now.

I never wanted anything too much… was more interested in learning others than in letting others know who I was… I used to think I was a traveler… moving from one place to another… gathering knowledge, experience, stories… I was never possessive or the jealous type… I had dreams… I just didn’t have a goal. I dreamt of flying away to some place where I wasn’t chained by boundaries set by the society… most of the time I just wished I was invisible. i wished I didn’t have the burden of other people’s expectation. of all the burdens, those are the hardest to bear. If I didn’t expect anything, in return nothing could be expected of me either right??! I just wanted to dissolve into the background of everything.

How did I change so much? For a really long time I thought I was strong. I didn’t know or maybe didn’t want to know the weaknesses I had hidden inside… I thought, if I could bottle up the hatred and hurt and convert it into something else… i would be invincible. But I couldn’t do it.

Emotion are harder to control then I thought. They creep up slowly, silently, without letting their presence be felt until its too late to let go of them. The only way to make up for the weaknesses in me, was to act the opposite of all I was. I had to be cruel, hard, unforgiving. I had to be Cold outside to compensate for being too sensitive inside.

We live in a harsh world. Isn’t that what everyone tells us?? I have seen it myself, what happens to people too weak to protect themselves, despised them. I cannot afford to let others know my weakness. It would give them too much power over me. Hadn’t I myself used that knowledge to the fullest, wherever possible. 

But somehow my guards weren’t as strong as I thought it was. I didn’t hide my feeling well enough or so it seems. I was doing it all wrong, some say. But I had lived too long this way to change now. I guess pretending it for that long, it just became a part of me… the cruelness and the unforgivingness in my nature.

I always thought myself to be more of a warrior than a victim. or was it the other way round. was I waiting to be rescued? a dame in despair… pathetic!! I thought I could control my future, or at-least my present. But there were just too many loopholes in my plan. I was never going to succeed anyway. Dreams are just that. Dreams…

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